Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

In fact, she might even believe it was her own decision, not noticing how her abuser pressured her into it.

PARENTING

Sphere of control #3

He sees himself as a wise and benevolent head coach who watches passively from the sidelines during the easy times but steps in with the “correct” approach when his partner isn’t handling the children properly.

This can easily be applied to how he interacts with our dogs!!

THE ABUSIVE MAN CLAIMS that his control is in his partner’s best interest.

Yes! Bringing me down the double black diamond without me knowing, then saying he was justified because it proved I was a great skier, so I should feel more confident in myself since I had accomplished it.

couldn’t get her to stop, so I finally had to slap her in the arm, and unfortunately she hit her head against the window. But at least that got her to settle down and stay in the car.

Reminds me of the police body cam footage of Gabi Pettito and Brian. His excuses are so readily accepted by everyone at the scene.

Does Vinnie really believe that he is abusing his partner for her own good? Yes and no. To some extent he does, because he has convinced himself. But his real motivation is plain to see: Olga wants out of the car in order to escape Vinnie’s control, and he wants to make sure she can’t.

Unfortunately, an abuser can sometimes succeed at convincing people that his partner is so irrational and out of control, that her judgment is so poo...

Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; on...

When a man starts my program, he often says, “I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I always correct him: “Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”

!!!!! Wow, this is a really great line

A large part of his abusiveness comes in the form of punishments used to retaliate against you for resisting his control. This is one of the single most important concepts to grasp about an abusive man.

REALITY #2: He feels entitled.

They have the right to have their opinions and desires respected, to have a 50 percent say in decision making, to live free from verbal abuse and physical harm.

Not only are the rights of his partner and children diminished—with some abusers those little circles disappear altogether—but his rights are greatly inflated.

My fundamental task as a counselor is to get the abusive man to expand his perception of his partner’s and children’s rights to their proper size and to shrink his view of his own rights down to where it belongs.

Another huge point!!!****

The abusive man awards himself all kinds of “rights,” including: Physical caretaking Emotional caretaking Sexual caretaking Deference Freedom from accountability

Physical caretaking is the focus of the more traditionally minded abuser. He expects his partner to make dinner for him the way he likes it, look after the children, clean the house, and perfo...

If she doesn’t fulfill her myriad household responsibilities to his satisfaction, he feels entitled to dole out harsh criticism.

Fewer abusers look me in the eye nowadays and say, “I expect a warm, tasty dinner on the table when I come home,” but they may still explode if it isn’t there.

Ahhh I always have felt devalued as the one in school, not making money, having long COVID.

Abusive men often hide their high emotional demands by cloaking them as something else.

the issue only arose when he wanted her attention.

“You want your partner to be this compass,” I say to them, “and you want to be North. No matter where the compass goes, it always points in the same direction. And no matter where she goes, or what she’s doing, or what’s on her mind, you expect her to always be focused on you.”

But I notice that when he focuses on her, most of what he thinks about is what she can do for him, not the other way around. And when he doesn’t feel like focusing on her at all, he doesn’t bother.

An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit.

he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, i...

Sexual caretaking means that he considers it his partner’s duty to keep him sexually satisfied. He may not accept having his sexual advances rejected, yet turn her down whenever he feels like it.

Even her pleasure exists for his benefit: If she doesn’t reach orgasm, for example, he may resent her for it because he wants the pleasure of seeing himself as a great lover.

In short, he wants sex on his terms or not at all.

Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is “nagging” or “provoking” him. He believes he should be permitted to ignore the damage his behavior is causing, and he may become retaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look at it.

THIS IS OUR BIGGEST ISSUE THAT LEADS TO ME FEELING SO HURT!!! I can’t just tell him that I can’t do something (when he wants me to do that thing). He’ll go on and on about why I should feel differently than I do (questioning my own reality). When I tell him his words are hurting me, since he’s always questioning whether I can do better or more or whatever and I say I can’t, and he gets annoyed and begins to question me, he just gets defensive. It goes from me telling him clearly how his behavior had made me feel. “I statements”- I concentrate very hard on only speaking in this way because it’s supposed to decrease defensiveness. It doesn’t seem to work for him, because no matter how I phrase my hurt feelings, he turns it back on him. He’ll say I’m making him feel like a bad person, etc. This can cause me to find myself actually comforting him, telling him how good of a person he is, and trying to reframe it that I’m not trying to attack him, but I do want him to understand how I feel + want to be better (like I’m constantly striving to do).

The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.”

OMG!!! Remy says I control him… it’s an argument we have that leaves me feeling so confused. He says I make him walk on eggshells, especially since I got sick. I think this is because I did need him more when I was sick, but he already resented that I wasn’t in school or working so much that me asking for anything extra was seen as controlling. He has to “walk on eggshells” because I tell him his behavior has hurt me. It all goes back to him. If he read these notes, he’d probably think I’m crazy because these are all of “my” bad behaviors (I.e., telling him when he’s upset me). Usually leads to me trying to change something about myself (like my years-long struggle to keep up with his sex drive…)

These studies point to the importance of focusing on changing the entitled attitudes of abusers, rather than attempting to find something wrong in their individual psychology.

The abusive man’s problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is: YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him.

This is exactly what I was talking about in my last note!!!

he considers himself above reproach,

on some level he senses—though not necessarily consciously—that there is power in your anger.

If you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to...

He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacit...

Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with ang...

Once you grasp the nature of entitlement, the following concept about the abusive man becomes clear: HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.

The abuser’s unfair and unrealistic expectations ensure that his partner can never follow all of his rules or meet all of his demands.

his entitlements would just keep producing more anger. His attitudes are what need to change.

REALITY #3: He twists things into their opposites.

QUESTION 4: WHY DOES HE SAY THAT I AM THE ONE ABUSING HIM?

The abuser’s highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse aggression and self-defense.

The lens of entitlement the abuser holds over his eye stands everything on its head, like the reflection in a spoon.

She finally reached her limit and began standing up for herself forcefully, and that was when he stormed out for the evening.

in his mind she’s supposed to be listening, not talking. If she expresses herself at all, that’s too much.

When I challenge my clients to stop bullying their partners, they twist my words around just as they do their partners’. They accuse me of having said things that have little connection to my actual words. An abuser says, “You’re saying I should lie down and let her walk all over me” because I told him that intimidating his partner is unacceptable no matter how angry he is.

The abusive man has another reason to exaggerate and ridicule his partner’s statements (and mine): He wants to avoid having to think seriously about what she is saying and struggle to digest it. He feels entitled to swat her down like a fly instead.

REALITY #4: He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.