Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious.

An equally important reason for the extreme jealousy exhibited by so many abusive men is the desire to isolate their partners.

An abusive man who isolates his partner does so primarily for two reasons: He wants her life to be focused entirely on his needs. He feels that other social contacts will allow her less time for him, and he doesn’t accept that she has that right. He doesn’t want her to develop sources of strength that could contribute to her independence. Although it is often largely unconscious, abusive men are aware on some level that a woman’s social contacts can bring her strength and support that could ultimately enable her to escape his control (as we saw with Dale and Maureen in Chapter 1). An abusive man commonly attempts to keep his partner completely dependent on him to increase his power.

Keep the word ownership in mind, and you may begin to notice that many of your partner’s behaviors are rooted in believing that you belong to him.

ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men.

Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills.

In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models...

In other words, abuse is a problem of values, no...

When someone challenges an abuser’s attitudes and beliefs, he tends to reveal the contemptuou...

An abuser tries to keep everybody—his partner, his therapist, his friends and relatives—focused on how he feels, so that ...

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control. Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their core of disrespect toward their partners. Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviors are driven by their core attitudes. Abusers are unwilling to be nonabusive, not unable. They do not want to give up power and control. You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.

********

He’s very sensitive. I shouldn’t complain so much; he’s doing the best he can.

THE QUALITIES THAT MAKE UP an abusive man are like the ingredients in a recipe: The basics are always present, but the relative amounts vary greatly.

other abusers are less overtly controlling and entitled than either of these men but mind-twisting in the severity of their manipulations.

Middleclass white abusers, for example, tend to have strict rules about how a woman is allowed to argue.

Abusers select the pieces of turf they wish to stake out, influenced in those choices by their particular culture and background.

Each woman who is involved with an abusive or controlling man has to deal with his unique blend of tactics and attitudes, his particular rhythm of good times and bad times, and his specific way of presenting himself to the outside world.

Viewed from another angle, however, abuse doesn’t vary that much. One man uses a little more of one ingredient and a little less of the other, but the overall flavor of the mistreatment has core similarities: assaults on the woman’s self-esteem, controlling behavior, undermining her independence, disrespect.

Each abused woman has times of feeling that a riptide is dragging her under the sea, and she struggles for air. Confusion has been part of the experience of almost every one of the hundreds of abused women I have spoken with.

Confusion!!!! My recurring feeling

The sections below describe each style of man while he is being abusive. I don’t mean that he is like this all the time.

In fact, men from any of the categories below can turn kind and loving at any moment and stay in that mode for days, weeks, or even months.

The partner of this man comes to feel that nothing she does is ever good enough and that it is impossible to make him happy.

He has little sense of give and take. His demands for emotional support, favors, caretaking, or sexual attention are well out of proportion to his contributions; he constantly feels that you owe him things that he has done nothing to earn.

He exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions.

He thinks you owe him tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of daily life—when he does—but takes your contributions for granted.

When he doesn’t get what he feels is his due, he punishes you for letting him down.

When he is generous or supportive, it’s because he feels like it. When he isn’t in the mood t...

The longer you have been with him, the more his generous-seeming actions appear self-serving.

If your needs ever conflict with his, he is furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as, “All you care about is yourself!”

At the same time, the Demand Man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of him.

any effort you make to discuss your needs or his responsibilities switches abruptly to being about his needs and your responsibilities.

The Demand Man is sometimes less controlling than other abusers as long as he is getting his needs met on his terms.

He may allow you to have your own friendships or support you in pursuing your own career. But the effects on you of your partner’s extreme entitlement ca...

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are: It’s your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I’m unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it’s your fault. You should not place demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give. I am above criticism. I am a very loving and giving partner. You’re lucky to have me.

Mr. Right considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; you might call him “Mr. Always Right.” He speaks with absolute certainty, brushing your opinions aside like annoying gnats.

This sounds like my dad

Mr. Right has difficulty speaking to his partner—or about her—without a ring of condescension in his voice. And in a conflict his arrogance gets even worse.

I feel like he thinks I do this to him??? I love academics and my special interests, but I try my best (and, I am of course, human) to not interject into a conversation when I don’t have enough knowledge of the subject. I do have knowledge in some subjects I love; I have a hard time keeping myself quiet if I can tell someone speaking doesn’t fully know the information. When I speak up it is not to belittle the other person. I try to say my words in the most gentle, least ridiculing way possible. I know that I can have false beliefs, just like anyone else. If someone has more knowledge on a subject than I do, I value their explanation as a new piece to the puzzle. I might not fully integrate the new info with my thoughts during that convo, but I tend to dream about it or it keeps popping up in my mind. I don’t want to spread misinformation, so I look into the subject.

Right’s superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he and his partner are arguing about their conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between Right and Wrong or between Intelligence and Stupidity.

He ridicules and discredits her perspective so that he can esc...

Part of why Pat is convinced that Gwen is stupid is that he is so exaggeratedly certain of his own wisdom and clarity.

When Mr. Right decides to take control of a conversation, he switches into his Voice of Truth, giving the definitive pronouncement on what is the correct answer or the proper outlook. Abuse counselors call this tactic defining reality.

Over time, his tone of authority can cause his partner to doubt her own judgment and come to see herself as not very bright. I notice how often I am speaking with the intelligent-sounding partner of one of my clients, only to have her say to me: “I’m not that smart.”

Besides knowing all about the world, Mr. Right is also an expert on your life and how you should live it.

He has the answers to your conflicts at work, how you should spend your time, and how you should raise your children.

Mr. Right in some respects is a less violent and frightening version of the Drill Sergeant (see p. 86), but Mr. Right’s control tends to be especially focused on telling his partner how to think.

Uhhhh this is how I feel all the time… like his voice is in my head telling me how to do things better, or generally judging every action I take. I feel I’m under scrutiny, or about to be, while I’m home with him, or when either of us returns home. He would say he doesn’t do this- but, while he’s in meetings, I worry about what I SHOULD be doing (according to him). I tend to become paralyzed, not make any decisions, overanalyze everything, and end up so stressed I feel confused and stuck. I think about his “shoulds” because of how he reacts when he comes out of meetings and doesn’t approve of what I’m currently doing. It might be subtle- “have you gotten to X? That’s more important than Y” (X = his opinion, Y = mine).

His partner feels suffocated by his control, as if he were watching her every move under a microscope.

Mr. Right tries to sanitize his bullying by telling me, “I have strong opinions” or...

Mr. Right isn’t interested in debating ideas; he wants ...

Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.

The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.

If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your ow...