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The high I could chase to take all of this away is right there in my pocket. I just need to reach for it. It’s simple. It’s easy. “Do it,” the best feeling in the world whispers in my ear.
I’m jobless and homeless. I’m an addict who just lost seven years of sobriety. I’m a Marine (former) who’s been dishonorably discharged. And I want to get high, again. Right now, even though my life is over because of it. That’s how I really know I’m fucked.
CJ laughed at me and made me go to bed so our parents wouldn’t find me rolling on the floor. He stayed with me until I fell asleep. He didn’t even care about his party anymore. He loved me that much. He was the best big brother. And I was the best little brother. He said it more than once.
CJ became a cop, and he chose me to pin his badge during the graduation ceremony, which was huge. He could’ve chosen anyone, and he picked me.
a buddy of mine helped me out with two white lines of magic. My world opened up that day, and everything changed. I was eighteen when I fell in love with cocaine.
I was geared up and fucking ready to go to Afghanistan the first time they sent me. The second time, a little less. The third time, honestly, that pissed me off. They couldn’t send anyone else? I was just there!
I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.
I think I’ve walked into the friendliest meeting on the planet.
We’re addicts. We’re disgusting human beings. We want drugs. Dirty, nasty drugs. And if we can’t have drugs, we want sugar and anything else that’s bad for our bodies. How hard is that to understand? I mean, read a fucking book on it. Shit.”
“I’m Felix,” he says once I get up beside him. “Jake.” The sidewalk is narrow, and we bump shoulders more than once. My hand brushes his.
Trust me. One day at a time. Hell, one hour or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to keep going.”
I don’t know him, and I sure as fuck don’t owe him anything. But I follow him anyway. It sort of feels like I have to.
“Um. My hair does this thing sometimes.” His voice is so weak now. “Like. It has the audacity to not wanna be on my head or something. I don’t know.”
“Holy fuck. You can smile.” A laugh bursts out of my mouth, and I swear to God, you’d think I just made Felix’s day. He looks so proud to hear it.
But then, then, Felix surprises the fuck out of me by responding with the last thing I expect anyone to take from that recap. “So, is it like, exclusively girls for you or…” I blink. What.
“You were clean for seven years without a sponsor?” “Yeah.” “That’s badass, Jake. Damn.”
I cock my head and wonder where the hell this guy came from. Why is he so bothered by this? And why am I bothered by him being bothered? What the fuck? What a weird turn my life has taken. I’m out of the booth before I can think twice about what I’m even doing and return with another chocolate frosted with rainbow sprinkles. (Not chocolate sprinkles because what’s the point of that, Jake? You can’t even see them.)
“You?” His face lights up. “I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me since I hit my year mark forty-seven days ago. Because I know I’ll be the best sponsor. Like, it’s just who I am. I care a lot. And sometimes people don’t really get me because of it. Or they think I’m just clingy or whatever, but that’s not it. I like being close with people. The connection. I feel it more than others, I think. So, I know I’ll care about your sobriety just as much as my own. It’ll be that important. And I’ll be there for you whenever you need me. I don’t care what time it is or what I’m doing. I’ll be there,
...more
I’m overwhelmed by how badly I want him to be my sponsor. I think he will be the best at it. I believe every word he says. He’s got a year of sobriety behind him, so why not? Plus, he’s promising me, just like CJ can.
I try to give him an inch of room by walking partly in the grass, but he grabs my elbow and tugs me back over where I was. Our arms brush continuously.
I watch as he looks straight ahead. I think he’s still smiling. And I’m a little bummed I can’t see it.
did u know fruit stickers are edible? how crazy is that the fda regulated the glue. so u can eat them
And I absolutely do not think about good-night texts. Or smiles in the dark. Fuck.
I follow his gaze and look down at the apron I’m wearing. It’s adorned with flowers. I’m certain it’s Riley’s. “I’ve fully embraced this, and I regret nothing. So, go fuck yourself.”
“You eat like you haven’t had food in days.” “More like thirty minutes. I just had three hot dogs and a twenty-piece nugget meal.” “Where the hell does it all go?” “Mostly to my dick.” I stare at him. Did he just say…
“Because you’re imagining it…” “Yes,” I nearly shout. “Fine, okay? How can I not? You won’t shut up about it! And now I have this image in my head of some dude working out his dick with dumbbells—Sorry, ma’am. I mean, Sister. Right. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t talk like that in front of a church. Or ever. You’re right—Shit. That was so fucking awkward. Oh, you’re such an asshole. I hate you.”
he looks worried that I’ll call him out, like what are you doing or why do you keep staying so close to me. Maybe he’s nervous I’ll point out that he did the same thing yesterday on the sidewalk when I tried to give him some space, and I want to. I want to know why he keeps doing it. I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.
“There’s nothing wrong with your hair, Felix. It’s cute. Okay?”
did u know elephants look at humans the way humans look at puppies they think we’re cute i love that so much
Felix grins at my (Riley’s) apron, and that’s when I remember I’m still wearing it. “Don’t make this a thing,” I say as I quickly untie it and slip it over my head. He steps inside. “Hello.” “Hi.” “You look nice in floral prints.” “You’re making this a thing.” “Jake, I have to.”
“Yeah. You’re very scowly right now.” “This is my normal face.” I walk with him to the door.
“My brother can’t bake for shit.” What am I DOING.
I get in and slam the door. “Oh, the scowl deepens.” “This is just my face!”
I stare out the front windshield, my brain whispering kissherekissherekisshere.
It’s why I’ve held off openly acknowledging my attraction to Felix, not even allowing myself to flirt back when I think he’s flirted with me.
It’s why I haven’t fucked him already, because God knows I’ve wanted to.
Yes, he sends me heart emojis. Old school ones. You know: <3
So, you see? I’m fine. Nothing else is happening. No one needs to worry. I’ve got this. Keep reading to find out how much of a liar I am.
For someone who blushes more than anyone I’ve ever seen, Felix text-flirts like a champ.
I guess it’s easier if I’m not staring into his eyes so intently, the world around us could burn and I wouldn’t even notice.
<3 Hector gasps in my ear. “Heart emoji. Oh snap.”
God, I hope I don’t regret this. * * * I regret this. I regret this so fucking much.
“Jake. We don’t out people. That’s fucked.” “Yeah, Jake. That’s fucked.” “We wouldn’t do that to you. Which is why we’re asking our questions now. With just us here.” I look between Miguel and Hector. My new friends.
“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”
“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”
He tastes like something sugary sweet (not surprised)
But it’s just kissing. That’s really all we’re doing. Nothing else. So, we’re fine. Everything is fine. * * * Everything is not fine.
“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”
Okay, yes, I’m a chronic exaggerator, and when I say life isn’t fair, I’m only focusing on all the bad stuff. But trust me, there’s a lot of bad. A lot of it. So much so, that when you get done hearing about it, you’ll think wow, that’s too much bad for one person, Felix. You don’t exaggerate at all. And you’re right. Why can’t you have this one thing? Buckle up. And don’t say I didn’t warn you.
What if he’s the one? What if we’re supposed to meet this way so we can tell our children (Charlie and Cassie) about it and they can say something like “Tell us the story again, Daddy. It’s so unique! We love it!”
