The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

He smirks at me. Then he hands over the plate. “Don’t worry. I won’t make you share any of it,” he says. “Off topic, but I’d marry you.”

“Hector and Miguel wanted to know. They were talking about if we were well matched or some shit, and I told them I’d ask you, but then I forgot about it when I got home because you smiled at me…”

“When I walked into the house yesterday, you smiled so damn big, and you always do that. You always look at me like I’m not a failure at everything or even capable of screwing up. You have all this hope in me, Felix, and you’re happy just having me around, and not just because I’m not out using if I’m with you. You’re the first person to ever look at me like that.” I force the last bite of cake down my throat before it chokes me and lick the crumbs off my lips. “Does it matter less if I’m not trying to do that? Because I’m just reacting to seeing you.” “No. It matters more.” Jake steps closer until the plate I’m holding presses into the skin on his stomach. “It matters more than everything. Than everything. And so do you.”

I’m content with lying awake and never sleeping again, because I think Jake is in love with me.

Food. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Money. Anything that lights up the “pleasure center” of your brain has the risk of growing from a want to a need to this dangerous, compulsive obsession that takes over and then ruins your life.

And it’s either lift my head and catch that wrecked look on Felix’s face when he peers back at me with his pupils blown and his cheeks flushed and his pretty curls stuck out and sticking to his forehead. Or. Looking down and watching my dick disappear into the world’s most perfect hole. Never mind. You know what? Fuck giving up one for the other or worse, going without both just so I don’t shoot a few minutes in like some virgin. Let him see how much I love this.

I couldn’t touch you. I couldn’t want you, and I did. I wanted you the second I saw you.” His chest heaves, and he wets his lips. “You did?” “Yes.” “The very first second you saw me?” I fight a smile and nod. Felix blushes instantly and stares at the floor. Then he scratches the back of his head, whispering, “No fucking way.” And it kills me that he may never see himself the way I see him.

“I’m glad you know you can do this, Jake.”

“You will too. We’ll beat this.” And I believe it now.

“We’ll be okay,” Fe...

Oh, fuck. The smile on his face right ...

If you own one guinea pig in Switzerland you could get arrested ARRESTED JAKE It’s considered animal abuse bc the pigs are social and could get lonely omfg i love that

I wonder if my boyfriend knows how cute he is let me ask him jake do u know how cute u are

Holy fuck. That’s my boyfriend. How lucky am I?

I back up, hand trembling as I dig out my phone, but Felix is right there on the screen. Smiling. Happy. Sober. And his texts are right there too.

I am so fucking lovesick. I’ve reread my texts with Jake so many times now, I’ve lost count. I scroll through them all the time, every free second I have. It’s one of my favorite things to do.

Risk losing this? Heart emojis and I miss yous and Jake’s compliments that make me feel so damn good about myself? I’d do anything, anything to keep this.

Where Will I Be In Four Years Alive. I want to be alive and with Jake. I want this forever.

how can such a simple greeting make my heart beat so heavy in my chest. What is this magic?

Jake presses his palms flat on the counter and boosts himself up to lean over it so he can hang over the side and kiss the top of my head. “Nice beanie,” he murmurs before dropping back to his feet. What I wouldn’t give for a packed shop right now. Or at least one other person besides us. I honestly wish the world could’ve seen what just happened to me. PDA? I’m a huge fan.

Where do you think you’ll be in four years?” “Four years specifically?” “Yep.” “I don’t know. Sober. With you. Doing whatever we feel like doing. That’s a fucking weird question. Where did that come from?” I stop swiveling and stare at Jake as my heartbeat fills my body, and I start to overheat. So quickly, my head and face and neck are boiling because in four years, my boyfriend will still be my boyfriend. He just said those exact words. He wishes for the exact same things!

I’ve never thought of anyone being dreamy before, but I think Jake is dreamy. Just look at the stuff he says to me.

And I blurt out the only thing I can think to say. “I’m so in love with you. Holy fuck.”

“It was fucking crazy. This prick was hanging around outside, just waiting. I think he might sell there a lot. He approached me when I was walking to my car and I wanted everything, Felix. Everything he had on him. But I backed away and pulled out my phone, and⁠—” Jake looks down and smiles the smallest smile, then he lifts his eyes and looks straight at me. “And I saw that picture you sent me. I made it my lock screen. And I’m staring at you and reading your texts, and I just fucking walked away from him. It was incredible. I’ve never done that. I never could before. And then I come in here thinking maybe today is the best day of my life because of what I was able to do, and you fucking say you’re in love with me.”

“Well. It is a million degrees in here. We could all be hallucinating.” “Take the hoodie off.” “I’d. Rather. Die.”

“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken.”

“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken. And I’ve taken a lot of drugs, Felix.”

“Look what you’re doing to me! And did you not hear yourself? I think you’re saying you love me too, but no one’s ever said that to me besides my mom. Even though I know Dean loves me, but this is different. Right?” “If he loves you like I do, we have a problem.” Whoa.

“Okay. Wow. You are saying you love me. Holy fuck. This is it. This is actually it!” I do a full three sixty on my stool, and Jake chuckles.

“Holy shit. You love me, Jake.” “I really fucking do.” “I always wondered what this would feel like.” “It’s good, right?” “Yes. It’s everything! Hey. We’re both having t...

“We should probably get matching tattoos or something. Too bad you’re not into that sort of thing.” My mouth drops open. ...

Please don’t be joking with me.” “I brought it up, didn’t I?” “Yes. But you’re scared of needles.” We stop at my chair, and then Jake pushes my hair back out of my face before leaning in and kissing my forehead. Magic. “I was also scared to tell you I love you, and that turned out okay,” he says, finger-twisting the curls that fall over my ear.

Jake smirks and slides his hand around my neck to tug me flush against him, and we kiss like we’re in love. Because guess what? We are. :)

He loves it (his words). And he loves me (still not used to that).

Because I wrote his we’ll be okay and he wrote mine, and today I discovered my boyfriend only writes in capital letters. That’s cute, right? But both of our tattoos are in thin black ink and the same size. A permanent promise.

“When the fuck did I agree to you tattooing my dick?” “You remember!” “I remember that insane conversation, yes. But I don’t remember agreeing to it.” “Oh. Wait.” I tap my temple. “That’s right. Tattooing it was a firm no.” “Very firm.” “You agreed to letting me ride your dick whenever I want. That was the compromise you suggested.” He nods, licking his lips. “I’m a smart guy.”

“I’ve tried hating you a lot over the years, Jake,” CJ says, acting like he doesn’t hear me. “And I keep thinking, you know, maybe if he knows I hate him, maybe then he’ll understand what he’s doing to me every time he uses, and he’ll finally stop trying to take my brother from me.”

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but then I peer out the front door and notice their delivery truck backed up in front of the house with the engine still running. And I wonder if certain felonies can be overlooked. Fuck it. I drop the invoice and run.

“I’m here, okay?” CJ says. “I’ll save you again, Jake. I promise.”

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I cry. “Please help me. Please? I need you.” “Come here.” CJ gently pulls me against him and hugs me, kissing the side of my head. “I’ll do anything to keep you alive, Jake. We’ll figure it out, okay?”

You couldn’t pay that kid to leave. If he’s not in here with you, he’s camped out there. Riley said he’s made friends with all the nurses. He keeps knitting everyone shit.” God, I fucking love him. I actually smile at that and mutter, “It’s crocheting. Not knitting.” “Whatever. My new scarf is a little small.”

“I couldn’t live if something happens to you. And I got a lot to live for, Jake. I’m trying to build this family with Riley, but if I don’t have my brother…” He pauses, his eyes flooding with tears. “I won’t make it if you don’t. So, I need you to do this. Okay? I need you to beat this. For me, and for Felix, for Riley and what I have with her… Please, Jake. Okay? Please?”

wanna hear something crazy uranus was originally named george like r u fucking kidding me WHO TF SIGNED OFF ON THAT CHANGE JAKE we could have a planet named GEORGE I’m calling it george idc

I screenshot our texts and save them to the Google Drive folder I’ve titled “our fucking tragedy <3,”

“What is happening?” I whisper, and I’m still frozen against the chair. “Am I dreaming? Oh, shit. Am I dead? No. I didn’t take those pills. I’m sober. I’m completely sober and losing my mind. Of course. Years of drug use. My brain has been slowly dying forever. This was bound to happen eventually. Fuck. What if I lose bodily functions next and shit right here… oh no. I’m turning into my dad.”

It’s that I’m so happy you exist look. I’m sure you know it. Most people do. And when someone looks at you like they’re grateful you’re alive and they’re lucky to even know you, it’s the best feeling in the world.

“Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”

“I can’t come with you. I-I can’t. I have my job, and I don’t want to give up my house. It’s the only thing I have left of my mom.” I harshly wipe at my face with the cuff of my sleeve. “Shit.” And then he says, “I know. I’m not asking you to come.” And now, this is when it hurts.

“But I love you,” I whimper. “I love you too. I’m not going to stop.” “It feels like you are…” It feels like you already have.

But we’re fucking soulmates, and he doesn’t even believe in that. Did I even need a choice? Probably not. So, I take his hand and say, “I need you to promise me you’re coming back…” And with so much relief on his face, Jake nods and says, “I promise.”