The Tragedy of Felix and Jake
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Read between January 5 - January 10, 2025
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“I’m sure he had a good reason for borrowing my car. Quit jumping to the worst possible conclusion.” “Borrowing implies consent. He stole it.” “And stealing implies I wouldn’t lend it to him no matter what the reason was, so back the fuck off.”
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“This is—I just wanted to surprise my boyfriend,” Felix says to CJ, holding up the bag. My stomach does this strange little flip, and I suddenly feel lighter. Yeah. I really like hearing Felix call me his boyfriend.
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“Look! It looks just like mine!” I glance from the familiar stuffed animal in my hands to the skin he’s exposed, and just above his finger is the tattoo on the lowest part of his ribs—the fox with the fluffy tail. It’s orange and white, just like the plush, and I can’t believe he bought me the exact same one. “Isn’t it cute?” Felix asks. I’m nodding as I tell him, “Yeah,” and I think this has to mean something, because he could’ve picked the puffy white owl or the lion with the full mane or some other stuffed baby toy they could’ve stocked at the drugstore since the time I was there, but Felix ...more
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“Now you’ll always think of me.” “I already do that.”
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“But, I was thinking, all the recipes in here are supposed to help with cognitive function and reduce deterioration and there is no doubt we both have at least mild brain damage from all the shit we’ve put into our bodies, so, these recipes might be really good for us.” He jabs at the book.
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“You could heal our brains with cookies and shit, Jake.” Cookies and shit. My chest gets warm.
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I watch Felix stretch out sideways on the bed and prop his head on his hand, his other flipping back the lid on the donut box, and I swear he looks at anything containing sugar the same way I look at him.
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“We haven’t spoken to you since Friday. That’s three days of silence, Jake. Which reminds me, we really need to exchange phone numbers so we can at least text when we’re apart.” “Good idea, Miguel,” Hector says. “Thank you, Hector. I thought so.” “I’m not giving either one of you my phone number.” That’s such a lie.
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“See? We’re friends!” Hector grins. “Friends also share juicy boyfriend secrets, and we know you have some.” “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Jake,” Miguel growls. “Don’t do this to us! We need to know what’s happened!”
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Miguel says. “And damn, Jake. Baby boy is cuteee.” “So cute,” Hector adds. I fight the smile of my life. But damn, are they right. He really is.
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“Friendship is such a beautiful thing,” Hector says, his voice filled with awe. “It really is. And who knew Tully could be so sweet?” Miguel jabs at his chest. “Not me. Not me, Hector. I was completely unprepared for this conversation. You?” “Not me either. Wow, Jake.”
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“Speaking of, you better give us something, Jake. Friends don’t keep secrets. And if Hector doesn’t eat soon, he’ll probably die.” On hearing that, I glance from Miguel to Hector to the cooler Hector now holds in front of himself, his eyes pleading with me. “I’m getting weak,” Hector whispers. “Need… sustenance.” I take another bite of my sandwich and I swear his face pales. “Jake,” he whimpers.
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“Fine. I’ll tell you what happened with my boyfriend.” Cue the biggest overreaction in history. I am not even kidding.
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“How the fuck should I know what his sign is?” “Uh. Birthday? Hello.” Miguel chuckles. “This guy, Hector.” “I just love him,” Hector says.
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I realize Miguel and Hector are only thinking about me right now and if the universe considers Felix and I to be compatible because they want us to be compatible. They’re rooting for us. And how the fuck could I ever think any of this is stupid or weird? I smile at Hector, and he immediately smiles back.
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Miguel is seated sideways now and giving me his full attention, and they’re both so damn excited to hear about this and happy for me, for us, themselves included because Felix is now their friend based solely on association. “He’s our newest bff, Jake!”
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Felix texted earlier when he finally got up and told me he was planning a self-care day (his words), which I figured meant he was going to be laying around and resting, so I think he’ll be hanging out in my room when I walk inside the house. Maybe even sleeping again. Yeah. That’s not what he’s doing. I stop a foot inside the house after closing the door, and there must be something wrong with me, because Felix is seated on the couch with a floral shower cap on his head and two-toned green mud on his cheeks, nose, and forehead, and there’s yarn all around him—he’s obviously knitting ...more
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“How do you feel?” I ask. “Horny.” I smirk. “Be straight with me.” “No can do, bro. The only straight I am is straight up gay.” He points finger guns and winks, and we’re both laughing now.
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“It’s not like I walked in here expecting to find you knitting.” “Crocheting.” “Same thing.” “Uh. No.” “Okay.” I really don’t care. “Is this something you do?” “I used to when I first really got serious about getting clean. It was my hobby. I taught myself. You have baking and I have this.” “Aren’t we a pair.”
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Felix raises the knitted square and begins working on it, and damn, he doesn’t even need to look at what he’s doing. The little stick thing he’s holding is flying. And what the hell, why do I find that hot?
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I can’t even recover from a hard day at work like a normal person because my brain wants to kill me. What’s the downside of using again? I can’t seem to remember. My old roommate’s Oxy would taste incredible right now. A couple Percs would make me feel great (and simultaneously nothing at all), and fuck, is this always going to be my life?
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And I want him before he even pushes his sweats down but then his sweats are down, and what the fuck did I ever see in girls when there’s this.
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He walks over while stroking himself stiff and asks if there’s room for both of us, and I think I’d break a wall down just to make room, but there’s no need.
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Three months ago, if someone had asked me what body type I went for when it came to guys, I’m not sure I would’ve had an answer for that. But now, I’d simply point at Felix. There’s no other way I’d respond.
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Both of his thighs are tatted, and I think I just found my favorite placement on a guy. This is sexy as hell.
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“Don’t get mad at me. I’m just trying to explain that I’m nothing special.” “And you’ll never convince me of that, so shut the fuck up.” “You shut the fuck up. It’s just how I feel, okay?” “No! It’s not okay. That’s not okay, Felix. I know this is something you have to work through and it might always be, but I don’t think you’re nothing special or just another dick that gets me hard. I’ve never thought that about you. And I’d be a shitty boyfriend if I did. In fact, I will beat the fuck out of you if you ever let someone treat you like that.” He blinks, letting his mouth fall open. “That was ...more
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“You can know how sexy you are, or I can remind you—I really don’t fucking care. But what you’re not going to do is put yourself down in front of me and expect me to just stand here and take it. You’re trashing something that’s important to me, Felix. Don’t fucking do that.”
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“I would’ve invited you to my birthday party. To all of them.”
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His method for giving head should be studied in universities and written about in textbooks.
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I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good. But we didn’t really plan this out, and maybe we should’ve. “I’ll stop if you want,” I say, limbs shaking. “Just tell me.” “I’ll kill you if you do.” Right answer.
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And look at that… I’m moaning his name the way he said I would as he rides me until I come.
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Felix is smiling so much now. I can hear it. Hell yeah. I love this playful shit.
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“Oh my god you’re so sexy,” he rushes out in one breath. “Says the hottest guy I’ve ever seen.” His eyes widen, and he whimpers. This is important, I think.
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“Where. Were. You.” And I flinch at his tone. “What do you mean. When?” “When my wife was bleeding out in my fucking living room.” He steps closer. “Where the fuck were you?”
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“It’s going to be okay,” I tell him, squeezing just as hard as he is now. Our eyes lock, and a shuddering breath leaves him. “I promise, Jake.”
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“What was you?” I ask again. “This.” He tips his head at the door. “I fixed it the other day when I came over and grabbed your stuff.” His tone is so fucking melancholy right now, it kills me. “You didn’t have to do that,” I say. “I would’ve gotten a new one eventually.” Jake’s shoulder jerks, like this is nothing. No big deal. When I can easily list this in a category of the nicest things ever done for me. “Fuck, Jake. Thank you.”
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“You have to know how much I appreciate you right now. And how much this means to me. Because I can’t act like this isn’t a big deal, Jake. I don’t know how to do that.” His neck rolls with a swallow. “Okay?” I ask. “Okay.” “Thank you.” “You’re welcome.” “Did you do anything else? Tell me now. I’m worried what another surprise from you will do to me.” I’ll blurt out I think I’m in love with you. I know I will.
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“I could’ve done that.” “You’ve dealt with enough. And I wanted to do it. I like doing things for you.”
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“You’re sweet, Jake.” “No, I’m not. I just really like you.”
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“Do you really think I’d let them get away with that?” “You’re my brother, Jake. I’ll always protect you.”
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Smoke swirls and swells between us after he exhales, and I stupidly think about how fun it would be to shotgun a joint with him. And I’ll never stop thinking that, will I?
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“I don’t know how to be sober without my brother,” Jake admits, and his voice trembles. “He’s always been there for me, and I don’t know if I can do this without him, Felix. What if I can’t?”
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But I have you now and I have Dean and… and I have you.” My heart jumps. “And I think this could be the biggest thing to ever happen to me. It feels different,” I admit.
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I’m his sponsor first. I have to be. “You have your parents,” I say. “And other family I don’t know about, but you have people who care about you, Jake. And that includes your brother. He cares. I know he does.” “You heard what he said. That stay sober or don’t shit.” “I heard someone who was scared and hurting lash out, and I think CJ felt like he could do that with you because you’re his brother and you’ll always be his brother, no matter what he says.” “If that’s true, that’s fucked up.” “I know, but… he just lost his baby. And Riley could’ve died. He was… out of his mind a little. You ...more
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“I don’t think about you not beating this, because if you don’t, then I won’t.”
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Jake shoots me a glare. “Fuck you. Don’t put that on me.”
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“I’m not! I’m not saying that to try and guilt trip you into staying sober. It’s just… it’s the truth. I’m scared too. You have to fight this with me...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
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And I am guilt-tripping him, but I’m desperate. If it saves his life, I’ll never regret what I’ve just told him. No matter how fucked up it is.
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Then he presses a kiss to my forehead before moving away. I watch him walk over to the oven. And I only let that cheap little dig slide because I have a thing about forehead kisses. They’re magic.
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He stops when he’s close and holds it between us, showing off the one piece he cut for us to share. And it’s shaped like a heart. A slightly mangled, fucked up heart. The edges are jagged and broken and messy, and one side is definitely bigger than the other. There are crumbs all over the plate. But Jake did this for me, on his own, without me asking for it. I love it more than anything.