The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

Where is he? Where is CJ? He’s supposed to pull me out because, “You’re my brother, Jake. I’ll always protect you.”

“I love you! Please! I love you!” I love you, Felix. I really fucking do.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do, man,” I snap. “I love him. I’m going.”

I take the invoice from him and blink through teary eyes as I quickly read the order for a brand-new king-size mattress with memory foam topper (he wants to make memories in this bed together oh god my fucking heart).

old, stone building home to believers who don’t believe in providing snacks to addicts (not the time, Felix),

“You hit that target first, remember that? I was so jealous… I wanted to show off and you were better than me, and I thought you were so cool. I wanted to be just like you. My little brother. And remember that time you pretended to drown so I could save you and get that chick’s number? Remember that, Jake?”

“I’m here, okay?” CJ says. “I’ll save you again, Jake. I promise.”

“Jake, please!” I scoop him up and hold on to as much of him as I can and rock him in my lap. I don’t know what else to do, and I’m crying over him, “I love you! Please! I love you!” My tears drip onto his colorless cheeks.

The cops rush out and rush CJ, and the paramedics surround me. I hold the pills in my hand. “I don’t think about you not beating this, because if you don’t, then I won’t.” We’ll be okay now. We promised.

“They said you’d wake up,” he shares, head turned to me and eyes unfocused. He sniffles. “They kept telling me you’d be okay, but I was so fuckin’ scared, Jake. Jesus Christ. I was so scared our last conversation was going to be me telling you all those things, those terrible things I didn’t mean. How could I—” He pauses, face pinching in agony. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that shit. How could I say that to you?”

Breath shudders past my lips, and I’m terrified to ask him, but I have to know. “Do you hate me?” I think he does. He should. CJ’s eyes dart up to meet mine, and then he sits on the edge of the bed and crowds me, gripping on to the back of my neck and keeping our faces close. “I could never hate you. Never. Okay? I swear, I didn’t mean any of that, Jake. I was just, fuck. There’s no excuse for the things I said. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.”

“R-Riley,” I mumble. “She’s okay,” he promises. “Everything’s okay.” “She should hate me too.” “No one hates you. Hey. None of that was your fault, Jake. None of it.”

“I really thought you’d never speak to me again.” “Come on,” he says in a joking way, but I know he’s only trying to lighten the mood. “You’re my little brother. My buddy. God, do you know what all I’d do for you? I’d do anything, Jake. You’re my best friend.” “Anything. Like break down doors, right?” He leans away slightly, and his mouth ticks up. “You think some fucking door is going to stop me if you’re behind it?”

Then CJ says, “I’ll also permanently fuck up anyone who tries taking you away from me.” And I have no idea what he means by that.

“Hey.” He leans in again, saying, “It’s okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I cry. “Please help me. Please? I need you.” “Come here.” CJ gently pulls me against him and hugs me, kissing the side of my head. “I’ll do anything to keep you alive, Jake. We’ll figure it out, okay?”

“You’re so much braver than I’ll ever be,” he says, hugging me, and there’s no fucking way that’s true. “I’ll be proud of you no matter what, Jake, but I know you can do this. I know you can.”

“You found me,” I whimper. “I fucking promised you’d never find me like that again.” “And I promised I’d always be there for you, and I wasn’t. So, let’s give each other a break on this one. Okay?”

“You love him.” My brother isn’t asking. “More than anything,” I say, looking over and meeting his gaze straight on. “More than myself, and I know I shouldn’t, so don’t give me a fucking lecture about it. There’s nothing I can do. I’ll never change how I feel.”

“I couldn’t live if something happens to you. And I got a lot to live for, Jake. I’m trying to build this family with Riley, but if I don’t have my brother…” He pauses, his eyes flooding with tears. “I won’t make it if you don’t. So, I need you to do this. Okay? I need you to beat this. For me, and for Felix, for Riley and what I have with her… Please, Jake. Okay? Please?”

“All right. Let me go get your future husband, which, FYI, Mom is only referring to Felix as that now. She’s ecstatic to have another son. So, heads up.”

wanna hear something crazy uranus was originally named george like r u fucking kidding me WHO TF SIGNED OFF ON THAT CHANGE JAKE

I’m so in love with you I’ve never felt this way about anything please wake up

all of ur brother’s friends came to see you and everyones just so attractive? like what? holy shit I just held my first baby! that was terrifying

it’s 2:37am still don’t understand how I got you

miss you I need u to wake up soon ok? * * * I miss you * * * I miss you

love you. I’ll love you forever

I screenshot our texts and save them to the Google Drive folder I’ve titled “our fucking tragedy <3,”

sink lower in the rubber padded chair I’ve basically claimed since it’s the only one I’ve sat in for four days straight, and if this hospital doesn’t put a small plaque on it somewhere with my name on it, I’ll honestly be a little hurt.

I’ve survived heartache and heartbreak, and this hair.

I want Jake to wake up. I want it more than anything. But if he doesn’t, I’ll be okay. I’ll live, and I’ll be okay (eventually). For both of us.

CJ peers over at me as my arm is slowly inched over by his arm, and then he smiles when my arm is dropped into my lap as he overtakes both of our armrests and really stretches the fuck out. I look down at my arm, then at his arm between us, and then back over at him. And I say, “Stop flirting with me.” CJ’s laugh is breathy and soft. “Do you want your armrest back?” “Are you going to just give it to me?” “Why wouldn’t I?” “I don’t know. Why would you just take it? I was comfortable.” “Just treating you like family. Isn’t that what you’re gonna be?” “Sure,” I slowly say. My eyes bounce between his. “You’re acting weird.”

“You must really love that armrest, little bro. Is it special to you or something?” “I don’t lo—” My mouth snaps shut, and my eyes widen. “Little bro?” CJ’s smile is so bright now. It’s weird. All of this is weird. “What,” he says. And I say, “I’m not your bro.” Because I’m not. Straight facts. We’re not related, and we don’t talk like buddies. Not yet anyway. And maybe not ever, but definitely not yet. But then he says, “You will be,” in this sly, all-knowing way, and CJ’s smirking now and still using both of our armrests!

“I just figured you’d like your hair to look nice since you’re about to fly out of that chair.” “And why would I do that?” I turn my head and ask, “Are there donuts in the break room?”

Plus, CJ called me little bro, and I loved it way too much, and I’m worried he’ll never call me that again.

“What’s better than free donuts?” and try to brace myself for anything and everything. “My brother is awake and waiting for you,” CJ says, grinning now.

I fly out of my chair so fast, and this is so much better than free donuts and every other snack food ever invented, and also, “I can’t believe you just sat there with this information and waited to tell me!” I shout over my shoulder as I sprint through the waiting room. “Are you insane!” “You’re welcome for fixing your hair!” he shouts back, and the bastard is laughing. “Thank you so much!”

I hack and cough when I reach his door, my breath gasping and rattling inside my chest, and the nob is slippery in my sweaty palm as I try to turn it, and does everything have to be so dramatic for me?

I’ve imagined the worst possible things, and I let myself imagine them over and over while I sat next to his bed, one of those things being never seeing Jake look at me again, and the thought broke me, every time I imagined it. Because no one has ever looked at me the way Jake looks at me.

It’s that I’m so happy you exist look.

And when someone looks at you like they’re grateful you’re alive and they’re lucky to even know you, it’s the best feeling in the world.

I’ve lived so long without anyone giving a shit or caring about me, and I’m sure I could live longer without it, but I don’t want to. I want to matter to someone every day forever. And I want that someone to be Jake.

“I promised you we’d be okay.

Jake’s eyes well up with tears. “Hey,” I say, shifting closer and lifting his head when he lowers it. “No no no. If you start crying, then I’m going to start again, and I literally just stopped.” I cup his face between my hands. “You’re alive, Jake. You can still promise me.” “I’m so fucking sorry.” “I know you are.”

“I need this to work, Felix. I’m not going to have another chance. I know I’m not.” “And it’ll work. I know it will. Do you know how I know?” “How?” “Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”

“But I love you,” I whimper. “I love you too. I’m not going to stop.” “It feels like you are…” It feels like you already have. “You’re my fucking soulmate, Felix, and I don’t even believe in that shit.”

“I’m supposed to be here with you. I know I am. But I don’t think I’m going to make it if I don’t do this, and I know this is like, so fucking shitty of me to ask you to wait and be with me when I don’t even know when I’m coming back, but I’m asking it, Felix. Okay? I’m asking it.” I’m crying so hard now. We both are. “Please,” he begs, holding out his hand for me to take.

So, I take his hand and say, “I need you to promise me you’re coming back…” And with so much relief on his face, Jake nods and says, “I promise.”

“You’ll never be alone again,” he says,

Bella purrs and rubs her face against my neck. “I’m going to miss you too,” I say. “But if you’re not nice to him while I’m gone, I’m not picking you up anymore. Got it? Quit being such a fucking bitch.”