More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
“Listen to me, okay?” I wait for him to nod before continuing. “You can know how sexy you are, or I can remind you—I really don’t fucking care. But what you’re not going to do is put yourself down in front of me and expect me to just stand here and take it. You’re trashing something that’s important to me, Felix. Don’t fucking do that.”
He shudders a breath. “I’m important to you?” “More than anyone else, yeah.” “Even—” “Yes. Even my brother.” “Really?” “You’re my best friend, right?” And there’s that smile… “Right.” He leans in and rubs his nose along my jaw. “Of course, I am, Jake. And you’re mine.”
“Yeah, Felix. I think your name is sexy.” His hand pushes through my hair and palms the back of my head, and he leans in, lips against my ear. “Want me to make you moan it, Jake?”
“How’s it look?” he asks. So unsure and worried. I reply without hesitation. “Voluminous.” And oh, how he smiles.
reach over and grab onto his hand, and I’m fully prepared to be the only one holding on right now. Whatever he needs me to do, I’ll do it. But I’m not. At all. And now I know I’m doing the right thing, because even though I was the one initiating the contact, it’s Jake who grabs on to me so severely, our joined hands tremble, and his blunt nails dig deep into my skin.
“You have to know how much I appreciate you right now. And how much this means to me. Because I can’t act like this isn’t a big deal, Jake. I don’t know how to do that.”
“Did you do anything else? Tell me now. I’m worried what another surprise from you will do to me.” I’ll blurt out I think I’m in love with you. I know I will.
“You’ve dealt with enough. And I wanted to do it. I like doing things for you.”
“Yeah, and it was a real cunty question. Who bitches about a racecar bed.”
“Do you really think I’d let them get away with that?” “You’re my brother, Jake. I’ll always protect you.”
“I don’t know how to be sober without my brother,” Jake admits, and his voice trembles. “He’s always been there for me, and I don’t know if I can do this without him, Felix. What if I can’t?”
“You’re not alone,” I say. “You’ll never be alone, okay?”
You have to fight this with me, Jake. You can’t stop fighting it. Okay?”
We’re both slow and lazy and gentle, shy with our hands, and every touch feels important.
I have a thing about forehead kisses. They’re magic.
“I’m feeling a lot of things right now and not one of them is embarrassment for how messy this looks.” “So, you like messy things?” “I like you so, yeah.”
“Off topic, but I’d marry you.”
“Hector and Miguel wanted to know. They were talking about if we were well matched or some shit, and I told them I’d ask you, but then I forgot about it when I got home because you smiled at me…”
“When I walked into the house yesterday, you smiled so damn big, and you always do that. You always look at me like I’m not a failure at everything or even capable of screwing up. You have all this hope in me, Felix, and you’re happy just having me around, and not just because I’m not out using if I’m with you. You’re the first person to ever look at me like that.”
“Does it matter less if I’m not trying to do that? Because I’m just reacting to seeing you.” “No. It matters more.” Jake steps closer until the plate I’m holding presses into the skin on his stomach. “It matters more than everything. Than everything. And so do you.”
“There’s more I could say, but I don’t know if I should.” “Why?” “Because my sobriety should be the most important thing to me, and I’m not sure it is anymore.”
I’m content with lying awake and never sleeping again, because I think Jake is in love with me.
I kiss my way up his spine, lips tasting the sweat on his Handle With Care tattoo, and I think to myself everyone fucking better.
“We’ve always been something,” he says quietly. “At least, to me, we were.”
I couldn’t touch you. I couldn’t want you, and I did. I wanted you the second I saw you.”
And it kills me that he may never see himself the way I see him.
I’m glad it was horrible for you.” “I never said—” He covers my mouth with his hand. “I’m going to pretend you couldn’t get off with her and it was the worst sexual experience of your life, and this is the last time we’ll ever talk about it. Nod if you agree.” I smile against his hand. Then I nod.
“I’m so happy you love eating ass, Jake. Am I glowing? I feel like I’m glowing.” “Shut up.” I laugh.
If you own one guinea pig in Switzerland you could get arrested ARRESTED JAKE It’s considered animal abuse bc the pigs are social and could get lonely omfg i love that
I miss you <3 dean says hi I wonder if my boyfriend knows how cute he is let me ask him jake do u know how cute u are
I wish I could tell fourteen-year-old Felix about this boy named Jake who loves it when I kiss him and who wouldn’t dream of slamming my face into a locker. I’d tell myself to hang on and wait. I’d say it gets better.
Where Will I Be In Four Years Alive. I want to be alive and with Jake. I want this forever.
And I hope his feelings are as big as mine. I hope that more than anything.
What I wouldn’t give for a packed shop right now. Or at least one other person besides us. I honestly wish the world could’ve seen what just happened to me. PDA? I’m a huge fan.
Where do you think you’ll be in four years?” “Four years specifically?” “Yep.” “I don’t know. Sober. With you. Doing whatever we feel like doing. That’s a fucking weird question. Where did that come from?”
“Never,” I growl, gripping the strings and tightening the material around my neck. “I’ll die in this, thank you. I’ve never stolen a boyfriend’s hoodie before, and it might be the best thing I’ve ever done. Next to my sobriety. It’s a close second, Jake.”
Tell me what I can do. There’s gotta be something that’ll sweep you off your fucking feet.” “You already do it, dumbass.”
“I’m so in love with you. Holy fuck.”
“And I saw that picture you sent me. I made it my lock screen. And I’m staring at you and reading your texts, and I just fucking walked away from him. It was incredible. I’ve never done that. I never could before. And then I come in here thinking maybe today is the best day of my life because of what I was able to do, and you fucking say you’re in love with me.”
“Well. It is a million degrees in here. We could all be hallucinating.” “Take the hoodie off.” “I’d. Rather. Die.”
“You want to know how to make me feel good all the time?” “If it involves removing your hoodie, then no.” “It doesn’t.” “Okay. Then yes. Tell me and I’ll start doing it.” His smile is slow and beautiful. “Exist, Felix.” “What?” “I just need you to exist. Stay here with me. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.”
I’m too focused on Jake and us and this moment that might be the moment. The one I never thought I’d have.
“Look what you’re doing to me! And did you not hear yourself? I think you’re saying you love me too, but no one’s ever said that to me besides my mom. Even though I know Dean loves me, but this is different. Right?”
“Okay. Wow. You are saying you love me. Holy fuck. This is it. This is actually it!”
And I smile and I smile. “Holy shit. You love me, Jake.” “I really fucking do.” “I always wondered what this would feel like.” “It’s good, right?” “Yes. It’s everything! Hey. We’re both having the best days of our life today. Look at that.”
We stop at my chair, and then Jake pushes my hair back out of my face before leaning in and kissing my forehead. Magic.
Jake smirks and slides his hand around my neck to tug me flush against him, and we kiss like we’re in love. Because guess what? We are. :)
Because I wrote his we’ll be okay and he wrote mine, and today I discovered my boyfriend only writes in capital letters.
“I’ve tried hating you a lot over the years, Jake,” CJ says, acting like he doesn’t hear me. “And I keep thinking, you know, maybe if he knows I hate him, maybe then he’ll understand what he’s doing to me every time he uses, and he’ll finally stop trying to take my brother from me.”
You love getting high more than anything and anyone, and you don’t care that this will kill me. If anything happens to you, it will fucking kill me, Jake. Why doesn’t that stop you?”
