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But he was big—sometimes it felt like the whole world revolved around him, in the best way. Being with Jasper made everything better.
It didn’t surprise me he’d worked it out. How could he not? No one knew me better than Jasper.
“I wanna disappear.” Jasper sighed, walked over, and sat beside me. “Don’t.”
His thumb was slightly rough, but he used it gently, like I was fragile, this thing he wanted to protect and do anything not to break.
When something brushed against my pinky, I realized our hands were touching. In his sleep, he hooked his with mine, and neither of us let go.
Sutton smiled, which made me feel a strange sense of pride having been the one to make him do it.
“Just happy, is all. Fuck, life is good, ya know? Got my house, my business, family, friends, you.” My heart skipped a few beats, stuttered like it might die, then picked up again. “Yeah?” “Of course. Don’t know how I got so damned lucky. I want it to stay like this…like the perfect fuckin’ summer or…a music video for a feel-good song where everything is just right. Hell, I’m ramblin’. I just… Promise me it won’t change.”
The one I buried as deep as I could, lies and reality on top of it. The one that said Jasper was more to me than he was supposed to be, more than I’d ever have, because he would never want the same thing, no matter what he said.
Jasper laughed, the sound working itself over me like a caress even though we weren’t touching. He was sweaty and dirty, both of us were, but fuck if his crooked smile wasn’t the happiest damn thing I’d ever seen, like the sun had crafted it itself.
water. He was under for just a second before he broke through again, hair plastered to his head, drops of water clinging to his stubble, and the happiest smile on his lips. That right there was how Sutton Manning was always supposed to look.
That was my favorite thing about being with Sutt—how easy it was to let go with him, how I could be grumpy or immature or whatever because I knew he’d always have my back the way I would always have his.
His fingers brushed against mine when he took it, and my stomach did something weird, this sorta dip like I was on a roller coaster and suddenly fell in a quick swoop.
It was Sutton who started teaching me. He caught on quick, was definitely better than me, but I wasn’t too bad. I liked seeing him in his element, liked watching him lose himself, and fuck, find himself at the same time.
Sutton rolled over, turned away from me, but I stayed right where I was, aware of him beside me, of his breathing evening out and the little moan he made sometimes when he was sleeping. I smiled in the dark and closed my eyes. Yeah, I liked it here just fine, and I didn’t want anything to change.
just wasn’t as interested in her as I should be, as I wanted to be. I tried not to think about what that meant, why I didn’t want to take a chance with a beautiful woman and why I’d be happy being Jasper’s best friend and roommate forever if I could.
We did have other friends, people we hung out with sometimes, had a drink or played pool and darts with at the bar. We just weren’t with them the way we were with each other.
That I was in love with him. That I’d been in love with Jasper Finch my whole damn life and what that had to mean for me.
Was I bisexual? Because I liked women a whole lot too. Hell, I didn’t know what label it meant, and at the moment I didn’t care. I just loved him and needed to bury it deeper, find a way to stop feeling this way about him. Because if I didn’t, I was gonna ruin everything.
up and into the mirror facing the door. He could see me in it, and I him, but he stayed on the bed, not turning around. Look at me. What’s wrong? Why won’t you look at me? I silently pleaded with his reflection. “Hey.”
He seemed to hesitate, and for a moment I thought maybe he was going to say no. It sounded ridiculous, but it wasn’t often Sutton said no to me. I didn’t to him either. We simply did what the other wanted because it was usually what we wanted too.
My insides lit up in a strange way, too bright and happy, like he’d just offered me the world. There was a quiet voice, a slight whisper deep in my head that told me it was too much, too big a reaction for something so small. I ignored it, though, like I usually did, and that tended to quiet it again.
We gotta go.” We. It was always we. Technically, I didn’t have to do anything. I wasn’t their family, but I knew Jasper needed me, so there wasn’t anywhere else I’d be.
He was like that—big-hearted. If he could fix it for Sammy, Jasper would, quietly, without letting anyone know, and they’d never suspect it was him. It was one of my favorite things about him.
reached over and squeezed his knee in support, then pulled my hand back. What would he do if I left it there? How would it feel to twine our fingers together? To brush my thumb against his palm to reassure him I was there? To run my fingers through his blond hair and tell him he’d never have to deal with anything on his own…
Sammy found himself in Emerson’s arms again, holding on for dear life. They clutched each other like a lifeline, like if they let go, they would drift away, and it left me feeling emptier, more bereft than I’d ever felt in my whole life. The older man kissed the top of Sammy’s head, told him he loved him, that it would be okay, and…and I fucking wanted. Maybe needed. That. Right there.
If Sammy could have this with Emerson, why couldn’t I with Jasper? Because Jasper doesn’t feel the same. Because he would never let himself even if he did. But seeing it made the need inside me grow. I really was bisexual, and I was so fucking in love with Jasper that it hurt…that it was killing me, and if I didn’t find a way to make this go away, I wouldn’t ever recover.
Every time I peeked at Sutton in the rearview mirror, he wasn’t looking at me. I’d wait, gaze locked, pleading with him to glance my way, but he never did. Why wouldn’t he look at me? We were always on the same wavelength, could speak to each other without words, and it helped me make sense of things. I was out of sorts without it. I couldn’t say what I expected him to do about how shaken up I was, but I needed something from him.
didn’t talk about much at all, really. He was quiet, and I let him be. We worked together and went home together, but we weren’t us.
I liked her, wanted to keep being her friend. Wished she could make me stop loving Jasper, that I could let myself want to be with her because if it wasn’t for him, I thought we could be happy together if she felt the same.
He grinned, sorta looking away from me like he didn’t want me to see it. “Nothin’. You’ve been askin’ me that my whole life.”
Because if I knew, my whole life might change. I felt that and wasn’t sure how to make sense of it, so I blamed it on Kendra and the fact that Sutton clearly liked her more than he ever had anyone else. That when people used to tell us we’d grow up and things would change, this was what they meant.
wanted us back, wanted to find a way to get to where we used to be, even knowing I’d been pulling away from him too. That way, I could deny how much I needed him, because I knew that wasn’t right. It wasn’t normal.
Fuck, he was right. What would someone have thought if they’d seen us? I didn’t think about those things much before Sammy, just once in a while when my dad would clear his throat or make some kinda comment. Or when I compared the way we were to the way other male friends of ours acted.
I miss you. I miss you so fuckin’ much. How did you miss someone who was right beside you? Who worked with you and lived with you? It didn’t make a damn bit of sense.
Because of course she would ask me about the one thing I didn’t want to talk about. Of course she’d mention Sutton and seeing someone, how I was losing him, which left me empty, feeling like a shadow of myself.
The thing was, I’d always thought I wanted that too. It wasn’t until recently that their vision of the future started feeling like it was strangling me, like it was sucking the life out of me and would leave me alone…so fucking alone.
He was nervous, which meant this was big, and fuck, it took everything in me not to go to him, to tell him it would be okay. To try and make Sutton feel better because I never felt as worthy as I did when I made him happy, or made him smile, or just let him know that he would never have to be alone. Not on my watch.
It was so fucking stupid. Of course he would move out. Of course we wouldn’t live together forever. How could we? But it wasn’t supposed to rip me apart, wasn’t supposed to feel like my heart was on the ground and Sutton was stomping on it, pulverizing it until there was nothing left.
Don’t go… Please don’t go… “It’s not natural, the two of you and how close you are. That’s not the way friends are supposed to be, and if you ain’t careful, people are gonna think you’re like your cousin.”
I miss you… Don’t go… Christ, I was so fucking broken. What was wrong with me? Who lost their shit this way because their best friend was moving out? You know why. Call him. Tell him. But I didn’t do either of those things. I curled into a ball, right there on my kitchen floor, and drowned in all my pain and sorrow.
Eventually, I would have to do it anyway. Might as well cut the cord now, but damn, it hurt. I was hollowed out, like I’d left everything important to me, every vital piece of myself back at the house with Jasper. To him, what I felt for him wasn’t normal, and there was no getting around that. All it would do was devastate me in the end.
That had never happened before, but it now had, and that opened up so many possibilities, but also broke my heart. It made me miss Jasp more, want Jasp more.
Moments ticked by, until he finally whispered, “Don’t go. Please don’t leave me, Sutt. I don’t even know who I am without you, and I wanna know. I mean, I don’t wanna know. Shit. I’m drunk.”
“It’s not gonna be your home if you leave. Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.” He just kept saying that over and over, making my heart bleed with it. “Jasp, where are you? How much did you drink?”
“Don’t leave me. I know I shouldn’t say that. I know it shouldn’t matter, but don’t leave me. I need you.” “Jasper.” He didn’t reply, just breathed. “Jasp, talk to me.”
I let myself wonder where it was going, what would happen if Sutt and I just jumped on it and let it take us away the way we used to talk about when we were kids.
I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, didn’t know how long I sat there when I heard the crunch of twigs breaking beneath feet behind me. I knew without looking it was him; of course it was him.
“Not the first time you’ve called me that, and I doubt it will be the last.” The reality of our situation hit me as Sutton took a step, helping me along. “Or maybe it will be. Maybe everything changes after tonight. It already has. I already lost ya, I feel it. I’ve felt it every damn day for months.”
The second we stepped into the house, they burst free. “I’ll fix it, Sutt. Whatever I gotta do. Tell me how to fix it so you won’t go. Tell me how to fix us. No matter what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll—” “Shut up!”
to understand, for me to make it better. I threw my hands up. “Then tell me how to fuckin’ fix it! I told you I’d do whatever it takes. Don’t care what it is. I just can’t lose you.” If Sutton left, my whole life would be derailed. I wasn’t sure I’d still be tethered to the earth, just wandering and trying to find the place I belonged, when I already knew it was with him.
