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And then, because I wanted to touch him, because I wanted to show him I was okay with this and I wasn’t ashamed of him—okay, and maybe to stake my claim just a little bit—I reached out and took Sutton’s hand.
Sutton added, but I knew he didn’t. The way his eyes sparkled and his grin kicked up even more, I knew he was happy. It was so damn easy to make him happy. I loved that about him.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” I told him. “I still love you even though you suck at Jenga.” I felt his happiness, this magnetic energy buzzing off him and into me. “I love you too.”
“I spent my life not seein’ the beauty in this—not in receiving it, at least. Not allowing myself to admit the way my heart skipped when I looked at ya. Not acknowledging the beauty in a man’s body and the strength it took to be on my knees for one. You gave me that.”
“We were swimming, and you went under the water. Then you burst out of it, the setting sun behind you, the biggest smile on your face, and I thought to myself…this moment right here, I’m gonna remember it forever. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. You still are. I got a million little moments like that inside me, and I remember every one.”
When they were finished, she said, “I gotta say, I always smile when I see the two of you in here or out workin’ together around town. You boys have somethin’ real special, and I hope you know that.”
It was like a whole side of me had to always stay hidden, and because of what? Because people were assholes and bigots? Because my dad who hadn’t spoken to me in months was ashamed and I was trying to win him back by respecting his wishes? Because I thought if I kept trying to talk to him or helping Mama at the house, he would realize how much family meant to me and wouldn’t be hateful anymore? It was exhausting.
My dad had been telling me for a long time now to grow up, to get serious, and while his idea of that was a wife while living on his property, it wasn’t mine. Not anymore. It was Sutton and me, on our own. Making a life together that was all ours by design, with no say from anyone else.
“Are you sure? That’s your home, Jasp.” “Nah, that ain’t nothing but four walls and a roof. You’re my home,” I told him, and Sutton’s face softened.
My eyes were blurry, my pulse pounding in my ears. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that—that they wouldn’t have cared, that nothing would have changed. That they would have loved me. What kind of broken world was this, where that was even a question?
“Earlier,” Uncle Brian went on, “you said you feel guilty about Jasper movin’ out. It’s okay to feel that way, but don’t let it change nothin’. He chose you. He loves you. That ain’t the ending everyone gets. That other person don’t always love us back.”
“I think part of why it gets to me so much is because if you hadn’t felt the same, I would’ve been him. I would’ve been alone, watchin’ you fall in love, get married, have kids… Just spendin’ my life quietly lovin’ you.” “Jesus. You ain’t never gonna be without me again. You won’t ever have to know what that feels like.”
But both of those two times, I hadn’t planned it. I’d just gone off instinct. Plus, nerves were also warring with remorse when it came to Sammy. I wasn’t just telling him about me and Sutt; I was apologizing for not supporting him the way I should have when I was with a man now too. It felt wrong on every level.
I said, “I didn’t understand how I felt, wouldn’t let myself acknowledge what I was feelin’ all these years. Then Sutt started pullin’ away, and it felt like he was rippin’ my heart out over and over again. I wouldn’t let myself put it together, I reckon out of fear of what it meant for myself, or who I always thought I was. Then he told me he loved me, and my whole fuckin’ world suddenly made sense.”
I smiled, liking this closeness with him, wishing we’d had it our whole lives. “That sounds good to me,” I replied, but then I lingered, and said, “I love him so much it hurts. I didn’t know that was possible. Is it that way for you?” “Yeah,” Sammy replied. “Yeah, it is. That’s how we know it’s real.”
I was excited for tonight, wanted to be a couple with Sutton around people who wouldn’t judge us, who had similar experiences as us. Another small step ahead, but it felt like more. “I love you, Sutt.” “I love you too.”
I still worried what Jasper being more open about us would do to his relationship with his folks, but I was trying to trust him and just…be happy. We deserved that, didn’t we?
“We deserve this, Sutt. We’ll figure it out. We can make a home here that’s just ours. It ain’t a spot of land on my folks’ property. It ain’t my house that I designed and you helped with. Everything we do will be us. Can you imagine comin’ home to this after work every day? Spendin’ our weekends buildin’ our future together with our own two hands? Makin’ this everything we could ever want?” I smiled, my heart going a little crazy. “Yeah, baby. I can imagine it.”
There were nerves there, but something else too that I couldn’t quite read…until I could. Slowly, I nodded, telling him it was okay, that it was up to him. Jasp gave me a nod in return, took a drink of his beer, and said, “Actually, he’s with me.”
“No, baby. It’s just a fight, and I need to figure out how we deal with this. What it means for us, for you. Bein’ with me… I don’t wanna be somethin’ you’re ashamed of.” I kept walking, got to the door and put my hand on the knob.
“I love you, Sutton.” “I know you do. I love you too.” And I always would.
I hadn’t done what I had because I was ashamed of being with him. Being with Sutton made me feel alive. He was, and had always been, the best part of my life. Just looking at him made me realize how lucky I was that he chose me, that I got to call him mine, but…
To him, to so many people, being gay or bisexual made a guy less than. Meant he wasn’t as manly, as if that was the most important thing to be. Like being with Sutton didn’t make me me anymore. None of those things were true.
Sutton had been right. Last night wasn’t about us at all. It was about me. About all the ugliness I’d heard off and on my whole life and how I’d taken it in, how I’d internalized it and let it mold my thoughts and feelings about myself and the world around me. Shame had filled me, fueled me when I went after Clyde, because I’d felt like there was something wrong with me if I liked the things he’d said.
But I was done shedding tears over my folks. I was done fighting to get back into someone’s life if they didn’t want me there. I was done trying to prove myself to them.
All this was so new for me as well, and I was just trying to find my way in it all. I wanted us to be able to love each other and be happy. Was that too much to hope for?
“He loves you. He loves you more than maybe I’ve ever seen someone love another person.” “I feel the same about him.”
“He ain’t gonna lose me, not ever. I love him too much.” I picked up the box of Kleenex from the end table and handed it over. “You’ve done a better job at lovin’ him than we have. I see that.
I ran to the door, pulled it open just as he stopped on the stairs, looking at me like I was the whole damn world, like he was just as broken up as I was, like nothing would ever be right if we weren’t together.
I told her I wasn’t either, not without you at least.” He stepped inside and froze. “Unless you’re plannin’ on leavin’ without me.”
“Christ, Jasper. Do you know what it does to me to hear you say that? You deserve so much more than he gives you. You deserve everything.”
“I got a few things I need to say.” “Okay, just as long as you know the answer is yes, I’ll go anywhere with you.”
fed to me my whole life.” “I’m here for whatever you need. We’ll figure it out together.” I knew we would, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” “I am too, but I’m done tryin’ to be who he wants me to be. I love who I am with you, that I can be myself in ways I can’t with no one else. I love the way you touch me, the way you make me feel like I’m the most important thing in your whole fuckin’ world, and that ain’t weak, Sutt. That’s strength.”
“I love how perfect we are for each other, love that you come undone for me this way, and that I do the same for you. You know that, right? That you take me apart and put me back together just as much as I do you. It don’t matter who’s doing what.” He kissed my nape again, holding on to my hips. “I know…we’re perfect…so fucking perfect.”
We showered together, then took a nap, since neither of us had slept well the night before. I didn’t think I knew how to sleep anymore without being in his arms.
Not everything could be perfect, not everything could be tied in a pretty little bow, but I had Sutton, we had our future, and that was what mattered. Love was what mattered, and Sutton and I had enough of that to live an eternity on.
We were looking up at the starry sky, when Jasper suddenly yelled, “I’m in love with Sutton Manning!” the way he’d done on his birthday in Asheville. “I’m in love with Jasper Finch!” I yelled, same as I did back then. It didn’t matter that it was a bit ridiculous. It was us, and it was true. I rolled toward him and let him hold me.
“We had a million little moments, Sutt, all of ’em leading us here. I can’t wait to spend my whole damn life makin’ a hundred million more of them with you.”
There was a loud rumbling, then a bright light flashing above. Thunder and lightning. Jasper and Sutton. We just went together like that. Somehow, it was the best ending to one of my greatest days.
