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I’d never been insecure in who I was. I’d never much cared what people thought, and I hated that I did now. I just wanted… I wanted to be with Sutton and for nothing else to matter.
Well, he sat. I lay down and put my head in his lap. I wanted this day so fucking much, and I was trying not to care about anything else.
I realized how I felt before you did, and I’ve been dealing with these feelings for longer before I acknowledged it to anyone else. I got to figure out what that meant, which led to me realizin’ I’ve always been attracted to guys too.” I growled. “I hate those guys.” “Every guy I think is hot?” “Yes, and not hotter than me, right?” He laughed. “No, not hotter than you.”
“You should talk to Sammy.” “I’m not ready. I’m sorry. Does that hurt you?” Sutton shook his head. “How many times do I gotta tell you that I don’t care about anything else as long as I have you?”
I was afraid to move because if I did, I thought you’d pull away. That night, I didn’t want you to pull away, Sutton. I wanted to run my fingers through your hair and see if it felt the same there as it did against my cheek. I might not’ve let myself acknowledge what this was or even seen it, but I’ve been feelin’ it just as long as you.”
We ate, talked, and laughed the way we always did. Everything had always been fun with Sutton, but it was even more now. After Sutton paid the bill, our waiter smiled at us and said, “You guys make a good couple. I hope I have that one day.” And damned if I didn’t want to jump on the table and scream that I was in love with Sutton the way I’d done at the rental.
We headed inside, some pop song playing that I didn’t know. I grabbed ahold of Sutton’s hand again, wanting to feel grounded by him, connected to him because that made everything in my world easier.
I liked feeling as though I belonged to him, liked the thought of him making sure everyone knew I was his.
“I love you, Jasper.” “Then dance with me.”
His went around my waist, and he squeezed me so tight, I thought he might kill me, but it would be an okay way to go. We kissed while I swallowed down his laughter and tasted his happy tears. This really was the greatest day I’d ever had.
I wasn’t family, and I wasn’t what they wanted for Jasper. If it was between me and the future they wanted for him, they would choose that future, and I’d lose my second family.
“Okay.” But damned if I wasn’t hoping he would tell them about us instead. Then I felt guilty for it because I was wishing for him to turn his whole life upside down and risk his relationship with his family for me.
Someone like her would be good for Jasper. He would be happy with her. And despite hating thoughts like that, I knew it was true.
I forced myself not to stay too close to him, not to let myself look at him too often or too long, afraid everyone would see in my eyes what he was to me. That the thought of losing him killed me, and how much I wanted to claim him, to tell them he was mine.
That I loved him, and I’d always do whatever I could to protect him and take care of him. That I was a man and that wasn’t what they wanted for him, but no one would ever love Jasper the way I did, and wasn’t that what mattered?
I knew we had to stay a secret. I knew Jasper loved me, that he didn’t want Lacey, and hell, she didn’t want him either, but I just…fuck, I wanted to be right for him in their eyes. I didn’t want him loving me to ever be a burden for him.
For her, there was no reason she shouldn’t do that, but it felt like a knife to my gut. It had hardly been two months since Jasp and I got together, and lying about it was already breaking my damn heart.
Sutton was hurting. I’d have to be a fool not to see it. If I tried to move closer to him, he moved away.
That wasn’t something I was proud of, but it was true. I couldn’t handle the idea of someone wanting Sutton with anyone other than me, of someone he’d slept with touching him the way Lacey did to me. It didn’t make things any easier that he wouldn’t even glance my way. Look at me, look at me, look at me. Let me know you’re okay.
When my eyes wandered over to Sutton, he was looking down at the couch, picking at the seam. I’m sorry, Sutt. Look at me. But he didn’t, and I went with Lacey to get dessert before they noticed anything.
Yeah, there was a reason, and a part of me wanted to tell her so damn bad, wanted the whole fucking world to know I loved Sutton and he loved me, but I didn’t know how to make the words come out.
“Don’t do that again. Don’t try and set me up. I don’t like Lacey that way, and I never will.” Though maybe I could if there wasn’t a Sutton, but there was, and that’s all that mattered.
turned to Sutton, took in those eyes that were now intense on me. Thought about the way it felt to be held by him, how he watched me when he didn’t know I was looking, the way he smiled at me when he told me he loved me, and…he deserved better. He deserved more.
“Because I’m in love with Sutton,” I said, the room going deadly quiet. “I’m in love with him. Always have been and always will be. We’re together. He’s my…boyfriend,” I said, voice shaking, but at least the words were still coming out.
Sutton wasn’t speaking, but he wasn’t turning away either. He looked…damn, he looked in awe of me. Proud. And I wanted that, to make him proud. “I didn’t mean to tell you this way, but tonight wasn’t fair to Sutt. I don’t ever want to put him through that again.”
“There’s not a person in this world that’ll love him like me, that’ll treat him as well as I do. There’s not a thing in this world I wouldn’t do for your son. I’ll do everything in my power to make him happy every day of my life. Hate me all you want, but don’t ruin your relationship with him because of me. He’s a good son, a good man. He don’t deserve that.”
Why did it matter? Why couldn’t I love Sutton and they just be happy for me? Why did we have to be something they needed time for or to figure out?
I was pretty sure I’d just lost my family, and while they were clearly in the wrong, that hurt like hell. I didn’t know if it was something I could deal with.
I had to believe that. How could they walk away from their only son just because he loved me? How could I live with myself if Jasp left his family because I couldn’t control how I felt about him?
He loved them, and he wanted to make them proud. Family was important to him. Eventually, he would resent me for it, and I couldn’t let that happen. It would only make me lose him. This had to be fixed because I refused to let loving me break his heart.
“We’ll fix it,” I whispered softly against his skin. “We’ll find a way to make it better. Once they settle into it some, they’ll see there ain’t no one better for you than me. This ain’t our fault, and we shouldn’t be the ones to have to fix it, but you’ll regret it if you walk away right now. We gotta try.” I knew that down to the marrow of my bones.
I turned on the lamp by his bed and the big light off before I laid him down, got into bed with him, and pulled him close. Jasper held me so tight, he damn near squeezed the air out of me. I didn’t care. I’d let him crush me to death if it helped him somehow. He cried into my chest, quiet but like each and every tear yanked his heart out over and over again.
Jasper eventually cried himself to sleep, and I watched over him, like I could somehow fight these battles for him, like I was his protector and nothing could hurt him while I was there…but it could, and it did. He was hurt for loving me, and there were no words for how that made me feel.
I wiped and kissed tears off his face, ran my fingers through his hair, brushed the back of my hand against his cheek, just needing to touch him. I wanted him to know, even in his sleep, that I was there, that I’d always be there.
The sound of it echoed through my head, felt like it was a wall between us, and all I could do was hope things weren’t going to change. That I wasn’t going to lose him, which felt selfish as shit, considering what he went through today.
Jasper immediately climbed right back into bed with me, limbs around me like if he held me tight enough, if I held him tight enough, the rest of the world would go away.
It was always like we were part of each other anyway, like Jasper was an extension of me and I of him.
While I knew this was partly about sex, it was about more than that. It was about connection, about having one other thing between us that we would never have with anyone else, something that was ours. It was about comforting each other and showing in a whole new way how much we loved each other.
He was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen.
“That was…there’s nothin’ like that,” he said. “Stay in me as long as you can.” “I will,” I promised, and as perfect as that moment was, I couldn’t let it take me away. Our problems were still there waiting for us.
I needed Sutt, I needed him to survive, but having him could make me lose my parents, my home.
was wrong. That wasn’t what men did, right? But it was what some men did. Why was I supposed to feel less than for taking pleasure in a certain way? For needing to feel loved the way Sutton made me feel. For needing that connection to the person I knew would never, ever leave my side. There was nothing weak about that.
“And now you’re turnin’ your back on me too, all because of who I love. Ain’t that some crazy shit? That lovin’ someone can cause all this? That lovin’ someone can be a hard limit a person can’t get past, or hell, somethin’ they care about at all? I get that I’m not innocent. Before Sutt, I might have been right along with you, and I ain’t proud of that, but I get it now.”
If you want me gone, if you don’t love me no more, then you’re gonna have to tell me that, you’re gonna have to tell me and Sutt to leave, because I go where he goes. You can hurt me all you want, but you can’t hurt him. You can ignore me all you want, be angry with me, but I’m not gonna stop lovin’ my family, because that’s what the dad I thought you were raised me to do.”
“Yeah, Jasp. Of course. Hell, you didn’t have to tell your folks last night. This ain’t a race, it ain’t a movie or a TV show. It’s our life. This is real, and life is complicated.” Christ, I loved him, so fucking much.
But sometimes I just wanted to be able to hold his hand when we walked through Ryland. I wanted to put my arm around him when we walked to the truck after work. I wanted to be able to confirm to Uncle Brian and the whole fucking world who we were to each other.
But I would never push him. Still, part of me worried his family was an excuse, that Jasper would never feel comfortable being bisexual or letting the world know he loved a man. And that hurt.
He wrapped his legs around me, pulled my head down, and pressed his mouth to mine. We lay there kissing and laughing. Groceries and dinner would wait.
He was quiet for a minute, then asked, “Are you ashamed of bein’ with me?” I’d known Sutton most of my life, and his voice when he asked that sliced through me. He was scared the answer was yes.
“What? No. It ain’t like that. It’s just different. I’m still getting my legs under me and all. The shit with my family don’t help, but I’m not ashamed of you. How could I be? You’re the best person I know.”
