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His voice was stern, loud, when he spit out, “I’m in love with you! Don’t you get that?” My heart rammed into my chest over and over. Then softer, “I’m in love with you, and it’s been slowly killin’ me for years, even though I didn’t always realize it. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be around you all the time and not be able to have you. One day, once I get past this, maybe, but…”
Because he loved me. Sutton was in love with me. This man who knew me better than anyone else, who saw every single part of me, was in love with me. How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve him loving me like that?
“You’re talkin’ out loud again, and you’re really fuckin’ confusin’ me. Sometimes I think you feel it too, do you hear me, Jasp? Sometimes the way you look at me, the things you say to me… Tonight, the way you remember all those details, everything about us. I think you feel it too, and that just messes me up worse because you don’t…or if you ever did, you couldn’t do nothin’ about it. You wouldn’t let yourself. Not for real. Maybe the only way you could is by tellin’ yourself that you’re doin’ it for me, but I need more than that. If I don’t go now, I’ll spend my whole life waitin’ for you,
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“I won’t ever not need you,” I admitted. It...
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The warmth in my belly when our arms touched. The way I could listen to Sutton talk forever, and how nothing was more important than making sure he was okay. “I’m in love with you! Don’t you get that?”
I thought about how it felt to play guitar with him, the smile that settled in my heart when he hummed or sang. I thought about cooking dinner together and food fights. About that time I got sick and he didn’t leave my side. About getting him ice cream after his tetanus shot and lazy summer days with him by my side. Always by my side.
Was that what it felt like to be in love with someone? Like there was nothing you wouldn’t do for them, and every second you ever shared was held in its own locked vault in your head so you knew they would always be there?
My gaze met his, and I realized he’d been watching me, seeing me sort through all this stuff inside me, building the picture of something I’d always had. Every piece of the puzzle had been there inside me, waiting for me to put it together, waiting for me to find the courage to fit them together the way they were always meant to be. “Jasp?” And somehow, hearing my name on his lips cemented everything I was finally letting myself see. “I’m…I’m in love with you too.”
My head was a mess of conflicting emotions, fear and worry, but one thing was certain through it all. “I’m in love with you, and that scares the shit out of me, but not as much as losing you does. Sutton… I…” Needed him.
So I stepped closer, wrapped my arms around him, felt the warmth of his skin, his heartbeat against mine, his breath on my throat as he buried his face there. “You’re gonna fuckin’ ruin me, do you know that? It’ll break me to have you, then lose you.”
Still, his strong arms encircled me too, squeezed me so tight, I thought he was trying to get us to mold together, and the truth was, I’d be okay with that. We’d always felt like we were one anyway.
I’d hugged Sutton a million times in my life, but this was different. His chest against mine—different. His grip in my hoodie—different. The way we breathed each other in and melted together, like our bodies were saying, Finally. This i...
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“We go to sleep. This is a conversation we don’t need to have tonight, especially since you’ve been drinkin’.” I nodded, knowing he was right but not wanting to let him go, afraid he would slip through my fingers and I’d never get to hold him like this again.
“I wanna sleep in your bed with you. I’m scared to let ya go.” “Jesus, Jasper. You really are gonna ruin me. Let’s go.”
“This all right?” he asked. “This is perfect,” I replied.
What happened if his family found out, or people around town, and they didn’t take to it too kindly? Would Jasper be able to deal with that? I could, if it meant having him, but Jasper had more at stake than I did.
Jasper frowned. “What? No.” His eyes widened. “Do you?” “I mean, yeah. I didn’t realize it until recently, but yeah. Not a lot, just certain men. Kendra took me to a gay bar last night, and there was this guy who wanted to hook up with me, but—” He paled, this look on his face like he was pained…and pissed. “You fucked around with a guy last night?”
“I didn’t know you were so possessive.” “I’m not normally, but the rest of them ain’t you.” Well, hell. That was hot. I couldn’t help smiling against his skin. “I told him no. I don’t want anyone but you, Jasp. Maybe focus on that.”
“I’m tryin’, but it’s hard. I’ve never been like this, felt like this. I can’t work out how to deal with it. Plus, you’re a guy and…it’s just you for me, Sutt. I ain’t never seen another man I want.”
I grinned. “I wouldn’t go that far. And stop bein’ charmin’. I think we need to talk.” His whole face lit up. “You think I’m charmin’?” “You know you are. You’ve had me wrapped around your finger my whole damn life, Jasper Finch.”
“Do we gotta, though? Hell, we just started this. We’re just figurin’ it out. Can’t we just enjoy havin’ each other? We can’t tell no one, and I just… I wanna enjoy this. I wanna know you’re mine. I finally have you, and damned if I don’t want to revel in that. Let’s just focus on us, on havin’ what we deserve, and we’ll worry about the rest of it later.”
“You tryin’ to make me jealous of her?” I rolled my eyes. “She’s my friend. I love you. I’ll always love you.” The smile that stretched across his face rivaled the sun at its brightest.
I looked down at Sutton, at his black hair and how messy it was. At his dark, whiskey eyes that could find places deep inside me I didn’t know were there. His jawline and cheekbones were stronger than mine, his face perfect and sculpted like an artist had created him. And his mouth…Christ, I craved the taste of his mouth.
Sutton, my best friend my whole life. Sutton, the man who meant more to me than anyone in the whole damn world. Sutton, the man I was in love with. The man. I was. In love with.
“What do you think?” I asked, my mouth journeying to the other side of his neck to finish tasting him there. “I think this is the best moment of my whole damn life.” Mine too.
“I love you. Can I keep sayin’ that now?” Sutton asked. “You’d break my heart if you didn’t.”
When he opened his grayish eyes, his gaze snagging on me, I wanted to tell him he was beautiful, but I didn’t know if that was strange or not.
“I don’t care. I’m tired. It’s been a long six months, Sutt, feeling you slowly pulling away, losing you a bit more with each passing day…” His arm tightened around me. Yeah, yeah it had been. A very long, fraught six months.
He turned to me, watched me with the same intensity I was watching him. “I want you. Don’t think I ever wanted anything in my life more than you. I know that, but my head is still strugglin’ with the details. Ain’t yours?” “Yeah, it is. That’s why we have to be honest with each other. We can’t hold back, or it’ll ruin us.”
But even without that, I just want you to be mine.” “I am.” There was no reason to deny it. I’d always been his.
“No, I’m not sayin’ that, just…not yet. You’re my guy now, Sutt, you are, and I’m sorry I’m not ready to claim you to everyone, but in all the ways that matter, you’re mine. I’m just askin’ you for time. I might…I might lose them over this.”
“I think you do it just fine, but I’m not tellin’ you we can’t spend the day doin’ it.” Because between these four walls, we could pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. We could pretend that if people found out we loved each other, Jasper wouldn’t lose his family.
He chuckled. “Your thoughts were going crazy. I could feel them.” Sutton danced his fingers from my temple to my chin. I shivered. No one in my whole life had made me do that before. He treated me like I was something precious, and while I wasn’t sure how I felt about liking it, I did. Just like I loved that we slept in my bed together.
“You’re perfect at this. I’m not ready to completely come out either. And it kills me when you say shit like that where I can’t kiss ya or nuzzle your neck the way you like. But I got you, and that’s more than I ever thought I’d have.” “You’re so sweet on me.”
My hand was shaking, but I couldn’t stop myself from putting it on Sutton’s thigh, under the table. I just needed to touch him, to ground myself to him and so he knew it was him I wanted.
My nerves had been kicking in more since our breakfast with Jasper’s folks last weekend. Every time I left him, I was afraid he’d start thinking while I was gone, and that when I got back, he’d tell me it was over. That he couldn’t do this. That he didn’t want to be with a man or that he didn’t love me.
Before I had him, the whole thing was just about loving him and not having him, and now it was all about Jasper loving me too. I didn’t care if we never did more than we were doing right now, as long as it was enough to keep him satisfied.
But I wasn’t complaining. There wasn’t a damn thing I didn’t want with Jasper.
He put the laptop in front of me, then wrapped an arm around me, holding me close, comforting me. And just like that, I relaxed into him. Everything was better when he was touching me.
The thing was, I did know that. I could trust him. Sutton could see every piece of me, good and bad, yet kept on loving me. I thought maybe we were built for it, like if there was someone out there who created us, God or whatever, they made Sutton and me just right for each other.
“You’re so sexy, Jasp. Do you know that? Sometimes I look at ya and all I can think is goddamn, he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
“Been wonderin’ what that birthmark tasted like.” “And?” I asked, feeling dizzy. “Tasted like mine.”
Christ, I was so gone for this man. He made everything feel like so much more than I thought it should.
When we were out of Ryland, or locked away in our house, we could be us—the together us, the us where we touched and cuddled and I could tell Jasper I loved him.
had to admit, it was already harder than I thought it would be. Jasper was my whole damn world, and I wanted everyone to know it.
“Are you surprised by this?” He grinned at me, and it made my pulse go wild. It was crazy sometimes, the power he had over me, and I didn’t think he knew it.
“It’s so damn beautiful,” I said. “Every day I wake up and I’m thankful to be alive when I see all this beauty around me.”
I was surprised when Jasper answered me by leaning in and pressing his lips to mine. We kissed lazily, like we had all the time in the world, no fear of anyone seeing us. Here, at this house, we could just be, and damn, did I want that more than anything. I just wanted to live my life with him.
“I like bein’ able to kiss you outside like this. At a house that feels like it could be ours.” He dropped his head back, the long column of his throat right in front of me, and yelled, “I’m in love with Sutton Manning!” at the top of his lungs.
remembered him telling me how scared he’d been when I’d crashed, and when I’d gotten home, he’d played the song. Had he been telling me all that time and I didn’t know? Or hell, maybe he didn’t know.
