8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go

by Jay Shetty

key skills we learn in solitude are self-control and patience.

“When you’re with someone you care about, your breathing can synchronize, as can the beating of your hearts.”

“The best thing for your nervous system is another human. The worst thing for your nervous system is another human.” Synching with other people can log us in to their bad vibes as well as their good ones. This

Karma is the law of cause and effect. Every action produces a reaction.

She just wanted him to be present when he was with her.

Karma is a mirror, showing us where our choices have led us.

To use your karma well, you must be conscious of who you’re choosing, why, and whether they fit what you want in your life, as you began to explore

You’re not equals. And you’re investing far more in the relationship than they are.

you love the role of guiding, leading, and giving advice, you can find that elsewhere in your life.

During and after sex, we feel more in love, but it’s not actually love. We feel closer chemically even though we’re not closer emotionally.

The Bhagavad Gita talks about six opulences: knowledge, fame, money, beauty, strength, and renunciation.

We want attention but a million likes won’t make us feel loved.

We want money, but it won’t buy happiness.

Abilities and achievements don’t matter so much as qualities and actions.

You’ve made them fall in love with a character that you created, not you.

Define Love Before You Think It, Feel It, or Say It

We’ve been together for three years and we say “I love you” before bed. Same time every night. I’m not sure it means anything anymore.

We say “I love you,” or wait for the right time to say it, or hope someone will say it to us, but there is no universal agreement as to what it means.

He was telling her that his definition of “I love you” was different from hers: broad, low-pressure, and not particularly romantic.

We say “I love you” in so many different contexts—with family and friends and lovers—that it doesn’t indicate anything but the presence of some sort of affection. And yet we have expectations based on what we assume it means to the other person.

Some people renew their vows every ten years, either to recommit to love or to express how their love has evolved.

“We love each other, but leaving each other was the best way to carry on loving each other.”

In these dates you’ll focus on three areas: whether you like their personality, whether you respect their values, and whether you would like to help them achieve their goals.

In their personality, you’ll see how their past has shaped them. Second, you’ll explore their values, which define who they are today.

recognize their goals, which encapsulate what they want in the future.

if you really enjoy each other’s personalities. To do

ask questions that inspire both of you to reveal more personal details, including your quirks and imperfections.

When you ask someone what the best meal they ever had was, the question isn’t just about food.

Food

If you ask what they wish they knew more about, you find out about their curiosities and unfulfilled interests.

What’s something you love to do? Do you have a favorite place? Is there a book or movie you’ve read or seen more than once? What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment? What’s something you wish you knew more about? What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?

Questions

Who’s the most fascinating person you’ve ever met? What’s the most out-of-character thing you’ve ever done or would like to do?

What is a tough thing you dealt with in your past? What makes you proud? What would you do if you had enough money to not need a job?

Do you have a dream you’d like to fulfill one day—a job, a trip, an accomplishment? What would you like to change about your life?

Is there a single moment or experience that changed your life? Is there someone you consider to be your greatest teacher?

We want to find a balance among time together, time alone, time with our own friends, and time with collective friends.

Physical trust is when you feel safe and cared for in their presence.

Mental trust is when you trust their mind, their ideas, their thoughtfulness.

Emotional trust is when you trust their values and who they are as a human.

Do you trust how they behave not just with you but with the other people in their life, from close friends to a waiter?

One of my favorite ways to show trust every day is to notice and recognize when someone follows through on a promise.

guru is beyond a teacher, guide, or coach.

They are like the captain of a ship who helps you cross the turbulent ocean of life with deep compassion and friendship.

Each of us approached the other with awe and reverence.

You are both gurus and students for each other.

Your partner should be someone you want to learn with and learn from and learn through, and vice versa.

A guru offers guidance without judgment, wisdom without ego, love without expectation.

Do Not Lead, Serve

Which learning style best describes your partner?

Hearing. Your partner likes to take in new information through their ears. They like to listen to podcasts, audiobooks, or TED Talks.

Vision. Your partner likes to watch someone demonstrate a skill or to follow a diagram. Your partner learns b...