Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

Reacting usually doesn’t work. We react too quickly, with too much intensity and urgency. Rarely can we do our best at anything in this state of mind. The irony is that we are not called upon or required to do things in this state of mind.

We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what is happening, and what might happen.

Many of us react as though everything is a crisis because we have lived with so many crises for so long that our reactions have become habitual.

We react because we don’t feel good about ourselves.

We don’t have to be so afraid of people. They are just people like us.

We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help.

We don’t have to forfeit our power to pause, think, and feel in any situation.

We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people).

Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are—to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.

We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth.

We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth.

We don’t have to take things so personally.

We don’t have to take little things personally either.

By practicing detachment, we can lessen our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are.

We don’t have to react. We have options.

Learn to recognize when you’re reacting, when you’re allowing someone or something to yank your chain.

Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you’re having a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace.

Examine what happened. If it was a minor incident, you may be able to sort through it yourself. If you’re facing a serious problem, or if it’s seriously upsetting you, you may want to discuss it with a friend to help clear your thoughts and emotions.

Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state.

Slow down. You don’t have to feel so frightened. You don’t have to feel so frantic. Keep things in perspective. Make life easier for you.

We do it to stop the pain.

I am responsible for what I give and receive.

I am responsible for my wants and desires.

All of me, every aspect of my being, is important. I count for something. I matter. My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs. I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.

This above all—to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. —william shakespeare, Hamlet

we wouldn’t dream of treating other people the way we treat ourselves.

Most of us suffer from that vague but penetrating affliction of low self-worth.

For some of us, low self-worth is an understatement. We don’t merely dislike ourselves, we hate ourselves.1

We believe we’re not important, and even if our feelings aren’t wrong, we think they don’t matter.

Sometimes, we may allow people to hurt us, but our worst beatings go on privately, inside our minds.

We put ourselves in impossible situations, then wonder why we can’t get out. Then we finish the job by shaming ourselves.

We don’t like ourselves, and we’re not going to let ourselves get any of life’s good stuff because we believe we don’t deserve it.

We are the best things we’ve got going for us.

The only difference between codependents and the rest of the world is that most other people don’t pick on themselves for being who they are.

Guilt and shame are not useful as a way of life.

“Each time you learn to act as if you are valuable, not desperate, it gets easier to repeat that new behavior in the future,”

To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.

To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.

We can learn to practice radical self-love.

The losses many of us face and accept are enormous, often ongoing, and caused by the people we care about.

Accept reality? Half the time we don’t even know what reality is. We’re lied to; we lie to ourselves; and our heads are spinning.

Acceptance doesn’t mean adaptation. It doesn’t mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way things are. It doesn’t mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are.

If I can accept that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I have done what I have done—if I can accept it whether I like all of it or not—then I can accept myself.

Being emotionally vulnerable is dangerous when hurt becomes piled on hurt and no one seems to care or notice.

Expressing our feelings may even be dangerous to our physical well-being because they rock the family boat.

Invite emotions into your life. Then make a commitment to take gentle, loving care of them. Feel your feelings. Trust your feelings; trust yourself. You are wiser than you think.

Give yourself permission to feel angry when you need to. Give other people permission to feel angry too.

Anger doesn’t have to be justified or rationalized. If the energy is there, feel it. Feel any underlying emotions too, such as hurt or fear.

Make a responsible decision about what, if any, action you need to take.

We don’t have to lose control of ourselves. It’s just energy, not a magical curse over us. Detach. Go to another room. Go to another house. Get peaceful. Then figure out what you need to do. You don’t have to let other people’s anger control you.