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January 4 - January 13, 2023
I saw people who constantly gave to others but didn’t know how to receive.
I saw people give until they were angry, exhausted, and emptied of everything. I saw some give until they gave up.
The codependents knew what the other person should and shouldn’t do. And they wondered extensively why they did or didn’t do it.
Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn’t see themselves. They didn’t know what they were feeling. They weren’t sure what they thought.
Like many people who judge others harshly, I realized I had just taken a very long and painful walk in the shoes of those I had judged.
I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.
They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control.
I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done.
I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people’s problems they didn’t have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves.
“The chemically dependent partner numbs the feelings and the nonabuser is doubled over in pain—relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies,” wrote Janet Geringer Woititz in an article from the book CoDependency, An Emerging Issue.1
“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
Hurt people hurt people,
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Sometimes, codependent behavior becomes inextricably entangled with being a good wife, mother, father, friend, child, or worker. Sometimes it’s entangled with religion.
Her problem, she says, is that other people’s moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings. “I’m a people pleaser,” she said.
a common thread runs through all stories of codependency. It involves our responses and reactions to people around us. It involves our relationships with other people,
Codependency involves the effects these people have on us and how we, in turn, try to affect them.
codependency is “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”
codependency as “those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”
One common denominator was having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people.
a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships.9 These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations (e.g., we are all human, vulnerable, and imperfect); selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement might be.
A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
It lies in ourselves, in the ways we have let other people’s behaviors affect us and in the ways we try to affect them: the controlling, the obsessive “helping,” caretaking, low self-worth bordering on self-hatred, self-repression, an abundance of anger and guilt, a peculiar dependency on peculiar people, an attraction to and tolerance for the bizarre, othercenteredness that results in abandonment of self, communication problems, intimacy problems, and an ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.
Other people have been hard enough on us. We have been hard enough on ourselves. Friends, we have suffered enough. We have been victimized by diseases and people. Each of us must decide what part we played in our own victimization.
Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label “codependent.” They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backward to avoid hurting people’s feelings, and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have
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codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They underreact. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors.
Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into, or keep us in, destructive relationships—relationships that don’t work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked. These behaviors can prevent you from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in your life—yourself. These behaviors belong to none other than ourselves. These are our problems.
Sometimes, the things we do to protect ourselves turn on us and hurt us. They become self-destructive. Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren’t getting their needs met.
Codependents may: think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem feel compelled—almost forced—to help another person solve their problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings feel angry when our help isn’t effective anticipate other people’s needs wonder why others don’t do the same for us
find ourselves saying yes when we mean no, doing things we don’t really want to do, doing more than our fair share of the work, and doing things other people can and should do for themselves not know what we want and need or, if we do, tell ourselves what we want and need isn’t important try to please others instead of ourselves find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than injustices done to us feel safest when giving feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to us feel sad because we spend our whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to us find
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abandon our routines to respond to or do something for somebody else overcommit ourselves feel harried and pressured
feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used
find other people become impatient or angry with us for all the preceding characteristics
Low Self-worth Codependents tend to: come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families deny our families were troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional blame ourselves for everything pick on ourselves for everything, including the way we think, feel, look, act, and behave get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others b...
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think we’re not quite good enough
take things personally have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism feel like victims tell ourselves we can’t do anything right
have a lot of “shoulds” feel a lot of guilt feel ashamed of who we are
think our lives aren’t worth living try to help other people live their lives instead get artificial feelings of self-worth from helping others overly identify with the failures and problems of the people we love wish good things would happen to us believe good things will never happen to us believe we don’t deserve good things and happiness wish other people would like and love us believe other people couldn’t possibly like and love us try to prove we’re good enough for other people settle for being needed
Repression Many codependents: push our thoughts and feelings out of our awareness because of fear and guilt become afr...
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Obsession Codependents tend to: feel terribly anxious about problems and people worry about the silliest things think and talk a lot about other people lose sleep over problems or other people’s behaviors worry
check on people try to catch people in acts of misbehavior feel unable to quit talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems
Controlling Many codependents: have lived through events and with people that were out of control, causing us sorrow and disappointment
become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally
think we know best how things should turn out and how people should behave try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, giving advice, manipulation, or domination eventually fail in our efforts or provoke people’s ...
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pretend circumstances aren’t as bad as they are tell ourselves things will be better tomorrow
get depressed get sick go to doctors
believe lies lie to ourselves wonder why we feel like we’re going crazy
Dependency/Attachment Many codependents: don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with ourselves look for happiness outside ourselves
didn’t feel love and approval from our parents don’t love ourselves
believe other people can’t or don’t love us desperately seek love and approval often seek love from people incapable of loving believe other people are never there for us equate love with pain believe we want/need/love people more than they want/need/love us try to prove we’re good enough to be loved don’t take time to see if other people are good for us worry whether other people love or like us don’t take time to figure out if we love or like other people center our lives around other people
