Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

by Melody Beattie

stay in relationships that don’t work tolerate abuse to keep people loving us feel trapped in relationships

Poor Communication Codependents frequently: blame

threaten coerce beg bribe advise don’t say what we mean don’t mean what we say don’t know what we mean don’t take ourselves seriously think other people don’t take us seriously take ourselves too seriously ask for what we want and need indirectly—by sighing, for example find it difficult to get to the point aren’t sure what the point is gauge our words carefully to achieve a desired effect

talk too much talk about other people avoid talking about ourselves, our problems, feelings, and thoughts say everything is our fault

believe our opinions don’t matter

have a difficult time asserting our rights have a difficult time expressing our emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately

apologize for bothering people

Weak Boundaries Codependents frequently:

let others hurt us keep letting people hurt us

wonder why we hurt so badly complain, blame, and try to control while we continue to stand there hurting finally get angry

Lack of Trust Codependents:

don’t trust other people

Anger Many codependents: feel very scared, hurt, and angry live with people who are very scared, hurt, and angry are afraid of our own anger are afraid of other people’s anger think people will go away if anger enters the picture

repress angry feelings

feel ashamed for feeling angry shame ourselves for feeling angry feel increasing amounts of anger, resentment, and bitterness feel safer with our anger than with hurt feelings

Sex/Intimacy Problems Some codependents:

have sex when we don’t want to have sex when we’d rather be held, nurtured, and loved

reduce sex to a technical act wonder why we don’t enjoy sex lose interest in sex

Miscellaneous Codependents tend to:

be extremely responsible

become martyrs, sacrificing our happiness and that of others for causes that ...

feel ashamed about family, personal, or relationship problems

avoid seeking help because we tell ourselves the problem isn’t bad enough or we aren’t important enough

Progressive Codependency In the later stages of codependency, we may: feel lethargic feel depressed become withdrawn, isolated, or disenfranchised

feel hopeless

think about suicide

become seriously emotionally, mentally, or...

People who love, care about, or work with troubled people may be codependent.

People who care about people with eating disorders are probably codependent.

People who care about people with any kind of mental illness or compulsive disorder—from agoraphobia and depression to hoarding and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)—may be codependent.

If concern has turned into obsession; if compassion has turned into caretaking; if you are taking care of other people and not taking care of yourself—you may be in trouble with codependency. Each of us must decide for ourselves if codependency is a problem. Each of us must decide for ourselves what needs to be changed and when that should happen.

Codependency is many things. It’s a dependency on people—on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love.

It’s a “paradoxical dependency.”6 Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent on. We look strong but feel helpless. We appear controlling,...

we’re all responsible for ourselves. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves.

Overinvolvement of any sort can keep us in a state of chaos; it can keep the people around us in a state of chaos.

If we’re focusing all our energies on people and problems, we have little left for the business of living our own lives.

They are preoccupied. They relate whatever you say, no matter how unrelated it actually is, to the object of their obsession. They say the same things over and over, sometimes changing the wording slightly, sometimes using the same words. Nothing you say makes any difference.

Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from, a person or problem in love. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy (and frequently painful) entanglements with others’ lives and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve,

Detachment is based on the premises that everyone is responsible for themselves, that we can’t solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help.

If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our abilities. We strive to ascertain what we can change and what we cannot change. Then we stop trying to change the things we can’t. We do what we can to solve problems, and then we stop fretting and stewing.

Detachment involves living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.

We make the most of each day. We live freely.

Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.

If we are detached, we’re in a better position to work on (or through) our resentful emotions. If we’re attached, we probably won’t do anything other than stay upset.

A good rule of thumb is: you need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do.

I reacted to other people’s feelings, behaviors, problems, and thoughts. I reacted to what they might be feeling, thinking, or doing. I reacted to my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own problems.

My entire life had been a reaction to other people’s lives, desires, problems, faults, successes, and personalities. Even my low self-worth, which I dragged around like a bag of stinking garbage, had been a reaction. I was like a puppet with strings hanging out, inviting and allowing anyone or anything to yank them.

Most codependents are reactionaries. We react with anger, guilt, shame, self-hate, worry, hurt, controlling gestures, caretaking acts, depression, desperation, and fury. We react with fear and anxiety.

Some of us react so much it’s painful to be around people and torturous ...

That is the problem: we are reacting without thinking—without honest thought about what we need to do and how we want to handle any given situation. Our emotions and behaviors are being controlled—triggered—by everyone and everything in our environments. We are indirectly allowing others to tell us what to do. That means we have lost control. We are being controlled.