She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by Ian Kerner

Elements of Style.

When it comes to pleasure, there is no right or wrong way to have an orgasm—the only thing that’s wrong is to assume that women need or value them any less than men do.

Any sex therapist will tell you that the number one complaint they hear over and over from women is of an inability to experience orgasm during penis-vagina intercourse.

She Comes First offers men and women a surefire “bird in the hand” approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes “all or nothing” proposition of intercourse. It’s time to close the sex gap and create a level playing field in the exchange of pleasure, and cunnilingus is far more than

• Dispense with “disinformation” and cultivate a true understanding of female sexuality • Think clitorally, rather than vaginally; to focus on stimulation as opposed to penetration • Postpone gratification without sacrificing pleasure • Turn foreplay into coreplay • Skillfully navigate the process of female sexual response and appreciate the role of the clitoris as the powerhouse of pleasure • Develop a sense of awareness that will render the often elusive female orgasm knowable and tangible beyond the shadow of a doubt

But women often need 15 minutes or more to become sufficiently aroused

“The man must keep the situation in control and benefit from the communion without undue haste.”

Shere Hite, author of the Hite Report on Sexuality, went so far as to suggest, “Intercourse was never meant to stimulate women to orgasm.”

Eighty-two percent said having their husbands pleasure them orally was very satisfying; the next highest activity, intercourse, was rated very satisfying by only 68 percent.

But they reached orgasm 81 percent of the time during oral sex.

When surveyed by Shere Hite regarding their partners’ oral techniques, the vast majority of women complained that guys were too rough, too impatient; too fast, too slow; off target, or they changed rhythm at the wrong time. One woman even exclaimed, “It seems like he is trying to erase my clitoris.”

One guy summed it up: “Cosmo and Glamour are much more specific about sex and relationships than men’s magazines like Playboy and Maxim,

There’s no faking it. You need to be more than just a technician. You need to imbue technique with all of your senses and imagination. You need to be present, you need to be real; you need to be there in body, mind, and spirit.

“Style results more from what a person is than from what he knows. But there are a few hints that can be thrown out to advantage.”

The female orgasm is a more complicated affair and often takes much longer

In particular, her first orgasm is the most difficult to accomplish, requiring persistent stimulation, concentration, and relaxation.

but less than a third of women, always have orgasms.

that a woman, so unique in her sexuality, possessing both a clitoris—an organ designed solely for the production of pleasure—as well as the ability to experience multiple orgasms during a single session of sexual activity, should so often find this vast potential for blazing ecstasy smoldered—a magnificent conflagration left unlit—all for lack of a match that can hold its flame.

It’s not a problem with the match, say many men, but rather that a woman’s fuse is too long.

Studies, like those by Kinsey and Masters and Johnson, have concluded that among women whose partners spent twenty-one minutes or longer on foreplay, only 7.7 ...

“Nerves are like wolves or birds: if one starts crying, there goes the neighborhood.” So

Tiresias responded, “If the sum of love’s pleasure adds up to ten—nine parts go to women, only one to men.”

Rare is the man who says, “I made love to her as subtly and lightly as a feather”; “I grazed her vulva as with the delicate wings of a butterfly”; “I barely touched her she came so hard!”

the inner two thirds of the vagina are substantially less sensitive

“The deep interior walls of the vagina really have few nerve endings and are quite insensitive when stroked or lightly pressed.” But when gently touched on their clitorises, 98 percent of women were aware of it.

The idea that genital penetration might be seriously overhyped is a bitter pill to swallow, especially for those men of the world who base much of their sexual self-esteem on the value of their penis in stimulating female pleasure.

What can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse? Here’s a simple answer: Don’t have intercourse. Or at least make it part of a larger event and not the event itself.

But a quick study of anatomy reveals that all orgasms are clitoral.

In other words, the G-spot may be nothing more than the back end of the clitoris.”

they are actually “caused by pressure on the parts of the clitoris that surround the vaginal opening,” what author Rebecca Chalker refers to as the “clitoral cuff.”

The clitoris encompasses them all. The tongue is far better used to produce orgasms than to waste time

NUMEROUS STUDIES have demonstrated that women whose lovers give them direct clitoral stimulation during sexual activity are more likely to climax consistently. But because of its location, most sexual positions (especially missionary-style) do not properly stimulate the clitoris.

Unlike the penis, it’s effective when hard or soft, and never gets overheated. When using his tongue, a man doesn’t have to worry about growing fatigued, nor does he need fret over premature ejaculation or impotence. He can relax and enjoy the act of giving.

Giving expert cunnilingus requires learning appropriate techniques (through reading a book such as this and also through individual experimentation) and then applying them consistently over time in a focused, patient, and loving manner; most important, it requires respecting, sharing, and participating wholly in the erotic intimacy of the moment.

“The penis is very badly placed, anatomically speaking, when it comes to making women come. Better if men simply left their penis alone, stopped attending to those immature nerve fibers, and concentrated instead on learning how to orgasm through their tongues.” (Tisdale)

As long as the one-sex view prevailed, the capacity for female pleasure was understood, if not always respected.

According to Freud, adult women needed to get past their need for clitoral orgasms and develop a desire for penetration; after all, isn’t that what penises do? Penetrate? Female masturbation was criticized as creating clitoral dependency; oral sex was verboten.

In Freud’s view, there were no two ways about it: if a woman couldn’t be satisfied by penetrative sex, something must be wrong with her.

But knowledge is only powerful when disseminated and put into practice. Men need to take the time to learn what most women know intuitively about

their bodies—how to listen to and feel them—and sex needs to be redefined as an activity that accommodates a wide variety of sensual and erotic activities; including, but by no means limited to, genital intercourse.

Tang Dynasty, the Empress Wu Hu ruled China. She knew that sex and power were inexorably linked, and she decreed that government officials and visiting dignitaries must pay homage to her imperial highness by performing cunnilingus upon her.

Etymologically, “vagina” originates from a Latin word meaning “a sheath or scabbard for a sword,” reinforcing its relationship to the penis and dependency upon penetration or insertion for broader meaning—which may be indicative of the reproductive process, but certainly not the pleasure process.

“That which we call a rose by

any other name would smell as sweet.” But the language of science is by no means the language of love; “cunnilingus,” “vulva,” and “vaginal introitus”—those may not be the first w...

The mons pubis is a thick pad of fatty tissue, covered in pubic

hair, which is sometimes called the love mound because it forms a soft mound over the pubic bone.

Interestingly, the principal function of pubic hair is to attract and retain odors that stem from the release of glands in the pubic area and serve as a source of arousal.

As Napoleon noted in a love letter to Josephine: “A thousand kisses to your neck, your breasts, and lower down, much lower down, that little black forest I love so well.”

Some anthropologists speculate that a woman’s use of lipstick stems from her desire to have the visible upper lips resemble the inner hidden lips below—a signal to the opposite sex that she is sexually ready.

Below the head, the inner edges of the labia minora meet to form the frenulum, a small expanse of soft, sensitive skin, also known as the bridle. Like the inner lips, this area is rich in nerve fibers and is extremely sensitive to the touch.