She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

by Ian Kerner

the head is the crown jewel that rests atop the unseen shaft and crura (the legs). With approximately eight thousand nerve endings, twice as many as the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body, the head is the visible part of a woman’s clitoris that often gets referred to as the “love button.”

In fact, at the peak of sexual arousal, the head becomes so sensitive that, with a little help from the suspensory ligament (an unseen part of the of the clitoris), it retracts beneath its hood and is often hidden at the moment

of climax.

There’s quite a bit of contention over the etymology of the word “clitoris.” Some believe it stems from the Greek, kleitoris, meaning “little hill or slope”; others say it comes from the Greek verb kleitoriazein, meaning “to touch or titillate lasciviously, to be inclined to pleasure”; and still others claim that the Greek word kleitoris originally meant “divine and goddesslike.” In some sense, all these meanings are true.

Dr. Kinsey observed during his research that the perineum is “highly sensitive to touch, and tactile stimulation of the area may provide considerable erotic arousal.” When making your travel plans of the clitoral network, make sure to include this southern hot spot.

Attached to the head, and running just beneath the surface of the skin, the clitoral shaft can easily be felt, especially when aroused and filled with blood.

The shaft extends north from the head toward the mons pubis for about three quarters of an inch before forking and dividing like a wishbone into two thin crura (or legs) that flare downward along the path of the inner lips and surround twin bulbs of erectile tissue, known as the clitoral bulbs.

If you’ve ever noticed that the clitoral head seems to retract and disappear under its protective hood during peak arousal, that’s because the suspensory ligament—attached to the head at one end and the ovaries at the other—is being stretched, causing the head to retract.

For all its hype, the G-spot, as cited earlier, may simply be nothing more than the roots of the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge.

While sensitive to stimulation, but without nearly as many nerve endings as the clitoral head, the G-spot generally responds to a more persistent, massaging pressure.

A G-spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm; it’s part of the same pleasure network.

Upon analysis, however, it’s been concluded that these glands, in

fact, produce a clear alkaline fluid that is much closer in composition to male prostatic fluid, and gives rise to the even more controversial notion of the existence of a female prostate.

In short, female ejaculate of this sort...

What’s interesting as well is that interviews with women who are able to voluntarily ejaculate reveal that the process is independent of sexual arousal and does not necessarily heighten the pleasure of orgasm, whereas women who involuntarily ejaculate are unable to parse the experience of orgasm and ejaculation and often don’t even know that they’ve ejaculated.

She may be lubricated, but not necessarily aroused. These secretions are part of the vagina’s natural way of keeping it free of bacteria that don’t belong there. Conversely, a woman may be highly aroused, yet not necessarily well lubricated.

And while lubrication is connected to the process of arousal and plays an important role in subsequent sexual activity, assessing her readiness depends on a variety of factors and is ultimately more art than science.

Additionally, it’s been observed that pregnant women sometimes experience prolonged orgasms because of the persistent engorgement of their genitals.

With women, it takes longer for the genitals to return to their normal state, at least five to ten minutes. Women tend not to get sleepy, their genitals don’t become hypersensitive (except the clitoral head), and they don’t experience a refractory period—with a little stimulation they’re ready to begin the process all over again.

don’t overanalyze, or get angry and pick a fight; instead, respect each other’s differences and compromise: fall asleep while holding her in your arms.

In the Poetics, the only rule is that the action must occur “in a manner uninterrupted,” and take place within a twenty-four hour period.

“A beautiful object, whether it be a living organism or any whole composed of parts, must not only

A smaller percentage of men did not share these concerns, and an even smaller group of aficionados claimed to love the taste and smell. But such enthusiasts are in the minority.

genitals are a self-cleaning system—more sanitary than many other parts of the body, including the mouth.

At the core of this ecosystem is a sophisticated process of symbiosis, one in which healthy bacteria protect and ward off the unhealthy. It’s been said that a woman’s genitals are as clean as a fresh carton of yogurt, and this comparison is often made because the kind of bacteria found in yogurt, lactobacilli, are also found in a woman’s vaginal secretions.

showering or bathing, or even engaging in what the French refer to as a “tart-wash” (a quick freshening of the underarms and genital area) can usually help to rid oneself of any unwanted odors.

“In fact, the idea of pairing wine and women isn’t a bad one, as the acidity of the vagina in health is just about that of a glass of red wine. This is the vagina that sings; this is the vagina with a bouquet…” (Natalie Angier)

“There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex—simply informed caution.”

There’s an utter nakedness to cunnilingus, a vulnerability that we must respect and honor. She is exposing herself to be seen, smelled, tasted, and observed firsthand; she is permitting the exploration of a part of her body that she herself may find unfamiliar and mysterious. She may think her vulva is ugly, unkempt, unpredictable in its secretions, odoriferous, and strange. She may insist on making love in the dark, literally and figuratively.

•Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does. •There’s no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment. •Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence.

In relegating oral sex (as well as other important activities such as manual stimulation of the clitoris) to the domain of foreplay we are simultaneously: • Discounting the importance of these pleasure-oriented activities • Limiting their role in the overall process of arousal/sexual response • Promoting genital penetration as the centerpiece of sexual experience

when in fact the opposite is true: because of the heightened sensitivity of the clitoris, direct stimulation is best approached slowly and gradually, and is ideally preceded by a variety of erotic activities.

technique, foreplay will be considered those activities that precede coreplay—the sublime waltz of tongue and clitoris.

During foreplay avoid direct contact with her genitals for a minimum of ten to fifteen minutes. Stimulate other parts of her body; let the oxytocin wash over her and pervade her bloodstream. Save the genital kiss for last, as the first kiss upon the vulva is the threshold between foreplay and coreplay.

Cleanliness is an important part of any sexual encounter, but particularly in respect to cunnilingus.

“Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.”

“Savor, don’t suckle.”

indicator. As she gets more aroused, look for the commensurate changes in her breathing, and tightening of the abdominal muscles.

Take a page from The Thousand and One Nights and incorporate a story into foreplay. If you’re not a born storyteller, try reading one aloud together. Some literary recommendations: James Salter’s erotic masterpiece, A Sport and a Pastime; Anais Nin’s collections of short stories Delta of Venus and Little Birds;

Ultimately, it’s her decision. Remember that; respect it.

A kiss is a unique and versatile expression of the soul. A kiss can be playful, patient, and coy; or ravenous, forceful, and violent.

Cunnilingus is simply the art of extending a kiss into a complete act of lovemaking.

“The best sexual lubricant is saliva” and it’s usually in ample supply during cunnilingus.

stay away from those that are oil-based and contain chemicals such nonoxynol-9, a commonly used spermicidal that tastes awful, and can burn and lead to infection.

Also, stay away from jellies, such as K-Y, that are greasy and heavy.

Dr. Kinsey found that 95 percent of the women he studied climaxed far more often through masturbation than during genital penetration.

Ravel’s Boléro during sex as “it both captures and stimulates the process of arousal—the way the tension builds slowly, repetitiously…subliminally

If she climaxes during foreplay, transition for a few minutes into a milder form of stimulation such as kissing and hugging before moving into coreplay.

you will be able to return to direct stimulation of her vulva and get ready for her next orgasm.

If cunnilingus is coreplay, then it’s possible to think of genital penetration as an aspect of part of foreplay.