Begin Again
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When you get used to living a certain way—used to measuring your life, and maybe even your worth in a certain way—it’s so much easier to keep going in an old rhythm than to try to pick up one you’ve never known.
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the mindset that’s driven me these past few years. But everything in my life that I’ve put on hold because of it.
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the pieces I haven’t picked up. The mess I’ve been ignoring.
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Blue Ridge State is my chance to begin again, but I still have to look back if I want to look ahead.
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The things that I want are things I haven’t let myself consider. Things I’m not sure I can even have.
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I want to love and be loved without ever having to wonder if it’s conditional.
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want a life that is sometimes just my own, without feeling like I’m responsible for anyone or anyone is burdene...
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“Welcome to The Knights’ Watch, Squire.”
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“Do you think if you can wait it out, you can make it work?”
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that’s the curious thing about Milo. I’m always aware of him.
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“In the end, you have to follow your heart,”
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“Go make the most out of it, because every day is a chance to begin again.”
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If you were doing stuff and nobody knew it was you, would it scare you then? Back then I thought it made me feel safe.
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it might have just made me feel small.
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the energy of talking to someone in real time,
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more than the friends who quietly believed I could do it, and waited for me to believe in myself.
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The thing is, there is plenty to overthink. Namely the fear that’s rippled like
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trying to ground myself in the reality of what’s happening, to decide what comes next.
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I’m used to things falling through.
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I would never, ever ask him to do the same for me.
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“Have you thought about what your life would be like there?”
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Bad things happen, and you just think of foods you like to eat?”
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“I contain multitudes.”
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“You’re good, Milo. To the people you love and the people you don’t.”
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“Knowing they probably don’t miss me half as much.”
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“What are you scared of?”
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The difference is what’s at stake. The difference is that despite everything—despite the plans and the dreams and carefully curated lists I’ve made all on my own—I sometimes feel like I have no sense of who I really am.
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There’s almost a relief in the understanding.
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ridiculously ambitious color-coded dreams of yours to come true.”
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In a way that makes me feel too seen, but just enough at the same time.
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the best kind of practice—learning from your mistakes.”
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“What do you want to remember about this place after you leave?”
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I want to remember laughing with my friends.
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Setting my ribbons down next to my mom’s.
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Quiet walks in the a...
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“You kids are all so focused on doing too much. So much of everything all the time. What you need is balance. Priorities.”
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“You need to decide what’s important to you, or then nothing is important.
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The way I’ve been throwing myself into so many things that I can’t quite give my whole self anywhere. Not to the things that matter most. Not just the things that matter while I’m here, but during whatever comes next.
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what do you want out of this experience?
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I’ve been let down too many times to pin my hopes on anything.
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“Love you, A-Plus.” I press the phone closer to my ear. “I love you, too.”
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It feels warm and energizing. Like a challenge.
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“Maybe that’s the problem. We’ve got our own separate interests.
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people aren’t necessarily looking for advice. They just want somebody to hear them. They just want to know that they’re not alone.
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the idea that you can help sometimes just by being there. No fix-it urge. Just understanding.
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feeling more universal than most: that constant, human worry of wondering whether you’re enough.
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“Go make the most out of it, because every day is a chance to begin again.”
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I feel solid. Like what I’m made of finally matches what I want.
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“It’s important to you. It’s not ‘making a big deal’ out of anything.”
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It’s just that the things I write? They’re mine. They’re just mine.