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April 6 - June 27, 2023
We can’t enable bad behavior and call it love.
Soooo true
Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors.
Love is not dishonorable. Love does not justify wrongs to enable selfishness. Love does not celebrate evil. Love requires truth. Love leads to honor, kindness, and compassion.
know the frustration of saying something has to change but feeling stuck when the other person isn’t cooperating with those needed changes.
Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4–7)
PRAYER: Lord, the greatest desire of my heart is to love and treasure others the way You treasure us. But honestly, sometimes these hard relationship dynamics make it incredibly difficult to discern what is truly loving. So, as I turn these next pages, I ask that You guide me and help me to walk in Your ways, not mine. Show me how to approach my closest relationships with both compassion and a healthy commitment to reality so I am in alignment with You. In Jesus’ name, amen.
“You cannot build trust that keeps getting broken.”
Or your challenge may be with a great person, and you can’t figure out how to address something that is bothering you or how to communicate the need for a boundary.
Or it’s with a family member who lives in your home, and though you need some distance, setting a boundary doesn’t feel very realistic.
your mind is screaming at the other person, “Stop doing this!” You’ve prayed about this behavior or situation. You’ve talked about this. You’ve tried to navigate it. You may have even tried to stop it. But in the end, nothing has worked.
But you are not crazy. If you are smelling smoke, there is fire. And the only reasonable option at this point is to either put out the fire or get yourself out of the fire. Drawing boundaries can help put out fires before they become all consuming. But if the fire keeps burning with increasing intensity, you’ve got to get away from the smoke and flames. Sometimes, your only option is to say goodbye.
PRAYER: Heavenly Father, when the person who hurts me doesn’t see the heartbreak, tears, or emotions they are causing, I know You do. You remind me that I am seen and loved. I am not walking alone. As I start the journey of discovering how boundaries are not just a human idea, but Your idea, I know You will guide me every step of the way. Keep my heart tender and humble while at the same time steadfast and open to all You reveal to me. Continue to show me what You have for me personally in the pages ahead. In Jesus’ name, amen.
access
Unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.
Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access
Like God, we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives.
Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.
the dysfunctions hiding out in my relationships and life could be truly detrimental. I’ve made the mistake of spending countless amounts of emotional energy on trying to please other people—even when I shouldn’t have. I’ve tried to fix other people. I’ve tried to change
myself to accommodate others and avoid conflicts.
But worst of all,
I have betrayed myself by knowing something was off in a relationship but letting that person convince me otherwise.
when I said that I finally realized I had begun to resent the amount of access I had given my friend? Let’s define what I mean by “access” a little more. It wasn’t that I was resenting my friend or even our friendship. It was that I was resenting what this friendship was doing to me. I had allowed her to have such a prominent place in my heart and mind that her words and actions carried a lot of weight. So much so, that when she was irresponsible with what she said or did it really affected my well-being. This revealed for me personally that I had some codependent tendencies I hadn’t realized.
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Where am I out of alignment with what I want to be true about my life and what is actually true?
Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never
had.
Good relationships require good boundaries.
“Adults inform. Children explain.”
God had grace but His grace was there to lead people to better behavior, not to enable bad behavior. And the same should be true of our grace as well.
Jesus laid down His life for sinners. But it wasn’t so they could keep sinning.
Then came that moment that I thought to myself, I’m such an idiot. Boundaries don’t work. But then something amazing happened. Though I was shaking on the inside, I didn’t sink down to the level of returning hate for hate. Or accusation for accusation. Instead, I told them that what they were doing was not acceptable and that I would no longer allow them to come to my home until they stopped the harmful behavior. And it worked. No, they didn’t change on the spot.
Remember, boundaries aren’t going to fix the other person. But they are going to help you stay fixed on what is good, what is acceptable, and what you need to stay healthy
and safe.
Good boundaries = My focus is on what I do Motivation → Self-control Mindset → I am responsible for my actions. I manage my behavior. I own the actions I choose. Approach → I focus on my self-care, safety, sanity, and other things in my life I can control. Outcome → I accept that I am powerless to control other people. Instead, I use my energy to limit my interactions with difficult people, remove myself from destructive relationships, and pursue loving well the people in my healthy relationships that deserve the best of me. Bad boundaries = My focus is on what the other person does Motivation
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Good boundary: I can, with love, mention my concerns but not cross over into trying to control what she posts or publicly shame her. If she continues, I can mute her social media account. This may be a better first step than unfollowing her but if unfollowing is more appropriate, then I can make that choice.
Good boundary: I focus on what I can do to manage my own emotions and responses to this disagreement. If I need to process with others, I can choose not to engage in conversations that encourage my emotional spiral. Discussing the situation with a few trusted advisors can be healthy. Talking with anyone who only wants the juicy details is slander and will take me into a pit of gossip.
Good boundary: I can address the hurt privately with the person and inform her that I will be taking a break from our small group for a season. Instead of feeling guilty, I remind myself that it’s okay not to attend an event or gathering when I sense it’s not safe for me to be in the presence of someone who has hurt me or undermined my trust.
“Adults inform. Children explain.”—Jim Cress
When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.
The problem isn’t the boundary, it’s that the other person won’t respect the boundary.
1. A BOUNDARY ISN’T TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE OTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS
GRACE HAS A PLACE IN THIS CONVERSATION
3. BOUNDARIES HELP YOU FIGHT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP
4. A BOUNDARY WITHOUT A REAL CONSEQUENCE WILL NEVER BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
5. PLAY OUT HOW THIS BOUNDARY WILL BENEFIT YOU
“I wanted to talk to you today, not to debate your choices but to let you know it is no longer sustainable for me to stay in the same kind of relationship with you. This isn’t an accusation against you. I’m just accepting the reality that this issue is affecting me mentally and physically, and it’s time to acknowledge that and make some necessary changes. I’m committed to caring well for myself. Therefore, I have decided to stop asking you to change and instead create some distance between us so that simmering resentments don’t overtake our relationship. This isn’t easy but it is necessary. If
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“Thank you for being willing to talk about some challenges we’ve been experiencing in our relationship. Let’s keep this conversation calm and kind. If things escalate to yelling, blaming, or hurtful words, I will excuse myself, and we will have to resume it at another time.”
You can be honest that you are feeling triggered and it’s best to call a time-out. It’s wise to avoid trying to continue a conversation when you are flooded with anxiety. Move your body. Drink water and wait twenty minutes for your prefrontal cortex (the “thinking” brain) to resume logical thoughts. If you say something you regret, be gracious with yourself. Don’t berate yourself. Say, “I am human. Knowing my story, my response made sense. I offer myself compassion, and I take responsibility for my actions and reactions. And if I need to ask for forgiveness from the one I hurt, I will do so.”
The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.
They resist needed conversations or turn them against you. For example, when you bring up a topic that needs to be addressed, their denial of the issues at hand and the surrounding facts leaves you feeling like the crazy one. They go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms when they have a bad day or a hard conversation. They lack self-awareness or are emotionally tone-deaf—they are unable to understand how people perceive them. They have an out-of-proportion reaction to a conversation or the situation at hand. They don’t recognize the inappropriateness of their facial expressions, tone of voice,
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