Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

parts of a conflict, always saying, “but you . . .” in response. More times than not, they lack empathy in situations and do not

consider how their choices will affect th...

They are unwilling to honor or respect any communicated boundaries. They do not take responsibility for themselves or their actions and expect you to pick up the pieces. They refuse to acknowledge how unhealed trauma from their past, possibly even their childhood, needs to be worked out so it’s not acted out. They rewrite history to prove a point that serves only them or their version of the truth. Their version of reality is not consistent with...

They let their emotions get the best of them and sabotage what otherwise should have been a beautiful moment. Instead of acknowledging or confessing wrongdoing, they swee...

Now, Let’s Live This .

PRAYER: Father, this journey to health and wholeness isn’t hopeless. Help me stay sober-minded and alert. As I choose to stop participating in unhealthy behaviors and dysfunctional relationship patterns, I am asking for Your help. I know boundaries are not easy but help me make healthy changes. As I draw necessary boundaries, please help me process any disappointment I’m simultaneously feeling. I believe You have good things in store for me. In Jesus’ name, amen.

When they say: “What I did isn’t that big of a deal. You’re being so dramatic.” “You are being overly sensitive.” “And you call yourself a Christian?! Jesus wouldn’t treat people this way.” “I thought Christians were supposed to be forgiving.” “You’ve got such a hard heart. Jesus would have never walked away.” “This is just more evidence of you being controlling and unforgiving.” “Jesus loved all people and gave grace no matter what. So, what’s your problem?” “You don’t seem like yourself. You’ve changed.” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “You’re just crazy and this is irrational.” “You’re so selfish. All you care about is yourself.” “Seriously?! How can you be so mean after all I’ve done for you?” “You’re so off base. Drawing boundaries isn’t biblical.” “But you’re my (wife, daughter, best friend, mother, sister). Acting this way toward me is out of order and unacceptable.” Here’s why these statements are so triggering:

They are offensive. They aren’t an accurate picture of what’s true about who we are. Being misunderstood is so brutal because someone else is taking liberties with our identity. They are threatening. When someone makes hurtful accusations and pushes against our boundaries, it can feel as if whatever this relationship is providing for us will be taken away and some need in us will go unmet. They are disillusioning. When someone else makes us question our need for the boundary, we can second-guess reality, our sanity, our rationality, and even the severity of what’s really going on. We can easily start to wonder if the real problem is us rather than considering the source and why we are in this hard dynamic in the first place.

Healthy people are mature people. They seek to understand your concerns, discuss any issues that the need for the boundary reveals, and respect your limits. Healthy people who desire healthy relationships don’t have an issue with other people’s healthy boundaries.

Somewhere in all the looking around at others for validation, we’ve stopped looking up.

It’s no wonder we are anxious and feel boundaries are only acceptable and legitimate if the other person agrees with and respects them. In other words, instead of stating our boundaries and ending the sentence with

period, we tag on a question. “You good with that?” “Okay?” “Does that work?” “This is understandable, right?”

“You see where I’m coming ...

We aren’t sure who we really are. We aren’t sure what we really need. We aren’t sure that if others walked away from us, we’d be okay.

Posing a boundary as a question opens us up to be questioned, debated, and disrespected. If a boundary is presented with doubt, it won’t be effectively carried out.

Here’s who I am. I am a woman who loves God and loves other people. Therefore, because of Christ in me (Galatians 2:20), I am empowered to

the version of me God intended when He created me. I’m kind, creative, caring, g...

Now, write down the qualities that are true about the most authentic, wonderful version of you.

REMEMBER: Healthy people who desire healthy relationships don’t have an issue with boundaries. If our identity, the foundational belief we hold of who we are, is tied to an opinion someone has of us, we need to reassess.

Posing a boundary as a question opens us up to be questioned, debated, and disrespected. If presented with doubt, a boundary won’t be effectively carried out. It’s my responsibility not to let another person’s actions and expectations wear me down to the worst version of myself. We won’t get healthy results from unhealthy relationships. When God is the source of our identity, we are much less prone to others feeding our insecurity.

RECEIVE: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would n...

“We won’t get healthy results from unhealthy relationships.” What do you think it means to be in touch with your own limitations? Why is this important for the health of your relationships?

If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries.

REMEMBER: If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries. Good boundaries bring relief to the grief of letting other people’s opinions, issues, desires, and agendas run our life. Someone else being disappointed doesn’t make us a disappointment. I must stay whole by keeping what I know, what I feel, and what I do in alignment with God’s truth about who I am. I don’t want to get so emptied by the fractured people that I don’t have anything left to give to anyone else.

Whole people tend to gravitate toward whole people. Fractured people tend to attract other fractured people.

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8) We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV) Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. (Colossians 3:9–10) REFLECT:

Read the following statement from this chapter: “We’ve got to know who we are, so we don’t lose ourselves in the fractured realities of others. We can’t live our lives to satisfy the unrealistic demands of other people.” How does this speak to you personally?

We can so easily lose our sense of self-worth when we only feel: acceptable if we are seen as the one everyone else can always count on. in control when people see us as significant and respect our opinions. valuable when we have something impressive to give or do for them. loved when we meet their needs, stay available for what they want to do, and keep saying yes to their requests.

To be validated

To be liked

To be good

To be in good standing

To be appreciated To be valued ...

To be understood To be at peace

To be loved

To be unique To be respected To be nice To be supported To be admired

To be accepted To be the responsible one

Am I needing to be accepted to such an extent that I am unwilling to establish

and maintain a healthy boundary? Do I fear that it will cost me too much? It could cost me being supported by this person; therefore, the boundary isn’t worth it. I would rather things stay as they are than risk losing what people pleasing is giving me. Now, Let’s rewrite it. I need to be accepted. But I now recognize that sacrificing healthy boundaries to get someone to support me is the wrong way to get my needs met.

Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could

implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

Unhealthy Ways of Coping: Binge watching Netflix or TV Excessive use of alcohol or drugs Rage or retaliation Heavy sarcasm or cynicism Compulsive spending or emotional eating Excessive use of social media Use of porn or sexual infidelity

Healthy Ways of Coping: Intentional self-care (taking a walk, reading a helpful book, getting adequate sleep) Dinner with trusted friends Finding a new creative hobby (painting, cooking, writing poetry) Participating in regular therapy sessions Educating yourself on spiritually and emotionally healthy topics related to your healing (podcasts, Bible studies, online resources, workshops and seminars) Journaling and memorizing Scripture

People pleasing isn’t just about keeping others happy. It’s about getting from them what we think we must have in order to feel okay in the world.

Jesus served from a place of fullness, not for a feeling of fullness. Jesus loved people enough to give them the choice to walk away. When people didn’t like what Jesus had to say and they walked away from Him, He didn’t drop His boundary, chase them down, and beg them to take Him back. Only God is limitless. Secure relationships don’t feel like everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)