Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

we mourn what imperfection and sin has done to all of us. We all contribute to the reasons there is so much pain in this world. We all hurt others. We all fall short in the roles and responsibilities we carry. We all cause grief. We all carry grief.

The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling, a scrubby plant in a parched field. There was nothing attractive about him, nothing to cause us to take a second look. He was looked down on and passed over, a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand. One look at him and people turned away. We looked down on him, thought he was scum. But the fact is, it was our pains he carried— our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us. We thought he brought it on himself, that God was punishing him for his own failures. But it was our sins that did that to him, that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins! He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. We’re all like sheep who’ve wandered off and gotten lost. We’ve all done our own thing, gone our own way. And GOD has piled all our sins, everything we’ve done wrong, on him, on him. (THE MESSAGE)

So, the last part of my funeral is bringing it all to Jesus. The grief. The pain. The longings unfulfilled. My sin against them. Their sin against me. My need for forgiveness. And the forgiveness I need to offer. I ask Him to stand in the gap between where I am and where I long to be. I give to Him what I now know won’t be and ask Him to bring His fullness into my emptiness. And I just let it be. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need to journal, I journal. If I need to write it all out on paper and tear it up into hundreds of pieces, I do. If I need to then talk it all out with my counselor or a friend, I pick up the phone. But the one thing I don’t do is go back to pretending and living in denial.

I’ve accepted thi...

“What’s ahead has to be better than what’s behind. God isn’t going to take me somewhere worse than where I’ve already been.” Then she questioned herself, “Is that really true though?”

“I think the answer to your question is yes and no. No, because God may allow and probably will allow more hardships ahead. Yes, because all that you’ve already faced in your life has strengthened you to face what’s ahead with more resiliency and assurance that God will take everything and work good from it (2 Corinthians 4:17–18).

Start having your funerals, marked moments of closure, and you’ll see. This one will better prepare you for the next one. And that one for the one after that.”

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18–19) As we better grieve the sorrows, we will soon receive our tomorrows with a little more healing and a lot more life.

A note from Jim on the grieving process Going through the grieving process and having funerals for relationships is hard, but it’s healthy and beneficial for many reasons, including the following: Helps you get closure. Grieving a relationship is a personal experience and not dependent on the other person. Allows you to release what was real, what wasn’t real, and what will never be the same again. Creates a space to feel the loss of investing many years of your life in a relationship that didn’t unfold the way you wanted, nor did it last a lifetime as you’d hoped. Allows you to finally let go of the person you thought they were, but also to consider who you were with that person. This creates an opportunity to ask some internal questions, such as, “What did I miss early on that should have been a red flag?” “What did I tolerate for too long?” “What parts of myself did I lose that I want to get back?” Helps you get to a better place before new layers and waves of grief come. For example, facing the reality that the spouse you divorced or the friend you let go of may be validated and even celebrated by others as a great person when that wasn’t your experience at all. Helps ensure you begin to heal, because what you don’t work out, you’ll act out. Unhealed grief will spill, or sometimes even spew, onto other people—our kids, family members, friends—and can even contribute to long-term mental health issues.

When we love deeply, we tend to hurt just as deeply.

The only way I know to mark where the hurting ends and the healing begins is with a funeral. We are powerless to stop grief from happening. It will visit us all in various forms and for many different reasons. As we better grieve the sorrows, we will soon receive our tomorrows with a little more healing and a lot more life.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17–18) He took the punishment, and that made us whole. Through his bruises we get healed. (Isaiah 53:5 THE MESSAGE) REFLECT:

I separated from my husband and waited another entire year to see

what God would do. I stopped intervening. I stopped trying to suggest the next thing I hoped would help. I stopped making suggestions to God. And I stopped feeling helpless. I allowed natural consequences to happen. I thought it would be the most terrifying year of my life. But I came to realize, it was actually less terrifying to remove my hands from the situation, accept reality, and let God do what only He can do. The greatest source of my suffering was my refusal to accept what I could not change.

It was Ephesians 5:3–7: But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.

You’ve had a clear vision of this person’s potential. You love them. And

are parts of you that feel it would be impossible to let go of what’s good about them. And maybe this time will be different—I mean, what if you give up right when it’s about to finally get great? What you’ve waited for, hoped for, prayed for, and worked so hard for seems as if it’s just ahead. If you draw a boundary and make a change now, you might miss the epic moment when their potential lines up with reality. But then you know that’s not true. Remember? Home base isn’t there. You know it because the next time you get hurt, and there’s always a next time, you won’t know where to run. Toward them? Away from them? Around and around in circles of dysfunction you go.

all. It’s easier to manage the hurt inflicted on us rather than the hurt we could potentially cause someone else if we set a boundary.

So, you keep trying. You keep carrying weight you aren’t designed to carry. You keep paying the consequences of someone else’s choices. You keep saying yes. You keep giving in, just praying you don’t give out. Maybe

one more time of extra grace from you. Maybe one more time rescuing them. Maybe one more time looking the other way and suddenly they will turn a corner and bring home base back to you. You know this isn’t the way that it works. But you want to believe that maybe this time it will. Maybe...

MATTHEW 5:39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Here’s how this verse has been misinterpreted: A good Christian always overlooks being wronged and when mistreated, she lets it go and doesn’t address it.

Here’s what this verse actually means: This verse speaks to an important principle of what to do when someone wrongs you. Jesus does not intend for us to test the limits of the example but for us to embrace the principle of the example. This means we are unwilling to respond to an offense with an offense but rather display maturity.

If someone uses this verse against you when you need to communicate a boundary, here’s how you could kindly and confidently respond: I’m very thankful you are bringing up this Scripture verse. It’s crucial we use the Truth of God to help guide us and direct us, especially when we’re not seeing eye to eye on something. Here’s what that verse is actually teaching us: Don’t retaliate or attack when someone offends us or wrongs us. Jesus doesn’t want us to sink to the level of returning evil for evil. I’m so thankful that Jesus never teaches that abuse of any kind should be tolerated or perpetuated. I’m drawing a boundary so I can stay safe and keep my heart from getting so wounded in our situation that I lash out in return. Since my heart is motivated by love and health, that’s what I want to be evident in my actions.

PHILIPPIANS 2:3–4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Here’s how this verse has been misinterpreted: It’s selfish to have and express your own personal needs. Looking out for the interests of others without caring about your own interests is what demonstrates humility and pleases God.

If someone uses this verse against you when you need to communicate a boundary, here’s how you could kindly and confidently respond: One of my greatest joys is to cheer on those I love and support their endeavors. And at the same time, I’m responsible to not extend myself past what my budget allows, therefore, I can’t continue to give you money. In no way is this an indication that I don’t care—I do. I’ll just need to show my care and support in a different way.

JOHN 15:13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. Here’s how this verse has been misinterpreted: The greatest act of love you could show is to lay down your own life for the good of others, even when it’s to your own detriment.

If someone uses this verse against you when you need to communicate a boundary, here’s how you could kindly and confidently respond: I agree that Jesus taught us to echo His spirit to be honorable and willing to be self-sacrificial when and if necessary. I am willing to be a resource for you when needed, but it’s not realistic for me to become the source that sustains you. And it’s also not realistic or biblical for me to sign on to rescue you from the consequences of choices you made that I had no say in. My greatest desire is to be a cheerful giver like God says He loves, so I’m intentionally cautious not to perpetuate anything that doesn’t line up with my definition of what’s good and right. Please know, I am not judging you or criticizing you, I’m just staying true to only supporting what is right and healthy. Here’s the benefit to us both: if I’m honest with you about what I can and cannot do, it will help prevent simmering resentments and that awkward tension that can quickly erode relationships. I don’t want to try to control you or change you. I want to love you and stay in a healthy enough

place that I can authentically be there for you as much as I can.

GALATIANS 6:2, 5 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.... For each ...

Here’s how these verses have been misinterpreted: No matter the cost, it’s biblical to step in and pick up another person’s burdens. It’s our Christian duty and obligation to help others carry their heavy loads when they’re struggling and in need—this could be emotionally, financially, spiritually, or in other ways as well. Here’s what these verses actually mean: We must pay close attention to two key words in these verses burdens and load. Sometimes we can...

If someone uses this verse against you when you need to communicate a boundary, here’s how you could kindly and confidently respond: I love to help, and I love you, so of course I want to help ease the stress of you feeling as if you’ve taken on too much this year. I acknowledge it is hard to be the chairman of the school fundraiser this year while you have so many other things on your plate. While I cannot be the solution and take over this role for you, I am happy to bring some solutions that are realistic for my schedule. Here are two things I can do to help you. [your notes] and [your notes]. I just can’t carry the weight of the entire fundraiser.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:5 It [love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Here’s how this verse has been misinterpreted: To maintain a posture of love and forgiveness, we should choose to forget the unhealthy patterns of behavior, destructive choices someone is making or has made, and hurtful or harmful interactions that have occurred

If someone uses this verse against you when you need to communicate

boundary, here’s how you could kindly and confidently respond: Did you know that for every hurt done to us, there is both the fact of what happened and there is also the impact of what those actions cost us emotionally, physically, or financially? Please know, out of obedience to God, I have made the choice to forgive you for the facts of what happened. And, at the same time, I’m trying to understand the impact that all this has had on me. When I am processing what happened, I’m not keeping a record of wrongs to use against you. I’m just working through the impact of the pain to get to healing. So, these boundaries I’m establishing aren’t a violation of Scripture but rather a verification that I’m doing the necessary work that proper healing requires.

1 PETER 3:1-2, 5-6 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.... For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Here’s how this verse has been misinterprete...

controlling, or violating God’s instructions on marriage. In order to maintain a biblical and godly marriage, the woman’s wants and needs should come second to the man’s. Here’s what this verse actually means: Part of the process of interpreting Bible verses and then applying them involves reading verses in the larger biblical context. This is vitally important in this situation. First, we have to read about submission within the context of the new identity that we have in Christ. Paul, in Galatians 3:28, says there are no longer distinctions of identity or human separation that devalue the person. There is no Jew or Greek or male or female. Both man and woman depend mutually upon each other (1 Corinthians 11:11). This means we have to understand submission through a lens of equal human dignity. Submission that leads to undignified or degrading behavior is unacceptable. Christian counselor Leslie Vernick puts it this way: “God is not a God who loves men more than women or husbands more than wives. He is not a bully, nor does he sanction the behaviors of the oppressor over the oppressed. He cares for the weak, the downtrodden, the bullied, and the oppressed (Psalm 9:9; Psalm 34:1...

should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” It is not my place to judge you, but it is my responsibility to protect myself from being degraded, deceived, and devastated by your choices. Your actions are not in line with the purity being referenced in God’s truth. Lately, your version of truth has not been lining up with the facts. This isn’t an accusation against you, and this isn’t based on assumption or opinion. This is based on your actions and what actually occurred. Therefore, this boundary will need to be ...

Please know: God never, ever promotes or tolerates abuse or mistreatment. Period.

God’s Word should not be weaponized against us or used to bully or shame us. In fact, His Word is designed to heal us. Psalm 107:20 says, “He sent out his word and healed them and delivered them from their destruction” (ESV).