Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are

by Lysa TerKeurst

for me?” (Jeremiah 32:27 ESV)

People pleasing isn’t just about keeping others happy. It’s about getting from them what we think we must have in order to feel okay in this world.

Gary Thomas in his book When to Walk Away says,

Some of you still can’t imagine turning someone away or letting someone walk away, even if the relationship has become toxic. Your Lord and Savior

doesn’t have that problem: “Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:22–23). Jesus actually sends these people away. He spoke the truth and respected people’s choices . . . controlling others is a primary sign of toxicity, not a method for ministry. Jesus never cheapened the beauty of what he was saying by appearing desperat...

Remember, some people appear to say the right things, but their actions betray their words. Jesus quoted Isaiah 29:13 in reference to such people: “These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.” This was in the context of Jesus explaining what defiles a person in Matthew 15. Jesus went on to explain that people like the Pharisees are “blind guides” and instructs those listening to leave them!

I don’t want to be a pit dweller. I want to walk in the light. I want to delight in the truth. And I want my heart, mind, and words to reflect my devotion to God. I will not bow down to someone’s mistreatment, but I also will not rise up with such angst and anger that I violate God’s truth in the way I exit.

I’d like a little more “God be with you” in my goodbyes.

To check if you have codependent tendencies ask, “Is there a relationship in my life where I feel I can’t be okay if I don’t first work to make sure someone else is okay?” Now, Let’s Live This . . .

shift. I wasn’t just in a difficult relationship. I was in an emotionally destructive relationship. I was told by three different counselors that if I didn’t accept the ending before me, it would most likely mean the death of me. I thought that to be a bit dramatic. I shook my head in disbelief.

I wasn’t the one breaking away from relational health. I wasn’t the one breaking promises and breaking hearts. I wasn’t the one leaving the place we’d worked so hard to get to. And that’s when I could finally say, “I’m not giving up. I’m not walking away. I’m choosing to finally accept reality.”

And if reality is telling you that you’ve done all you can do, what comes next? You’ve made the big changes, you’ve prayed, you’ve sought wise counsel, you’ve had the conversations, you’ve set the boundaries, you’ve implemented the consequences, you’ve set even more clearly defined boundaries and yet, it’s not working.

Remember all the work you’ve done to draw boundaries was not about controlling someone else’s behavior. It’s about paying attention and being honest about how someone’s poor behavior and lack of responsibility is possibly controlling you. And when people close to us are acting out of control, that’s when we run the greatest risk of lacking self-control. When a relationship shifts from being difficult to being destructive, it’s the right time to consider a goodbye.

My definition of an emotionally destructive relationship is this: Pervasive and repetitive patterns of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person’s growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse and lack of change.2

And when their level of responsibility is a zero, their level of access to you should also be a zero.

When this is the case, God’s not disappointed in you saying goodbye. Actually, God modeled this. And we should follow His lead.

God wanted redemption for Adam and Eve. . . . therefore, He didn’t enable them. He didn’t excuse away the problem they created. He didn’t make an exception and hope for the best. He didn’t allow them to keep sinning in His sacred garden. No, He let them face the consequences of their own

choices. He responded to the choice they made and put them out of the garden. It was necessary to end their access to the garden. They demonstrated zero responsibility in the garden, therefore their access to the garden was taken away.

We are all still suffering the consequences of Adam and Eve. But the good news is, we have a choice to regain the peace once lost to Adam and Eve. Romans 8:5–6 says, “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.”

Now, this doesn’t mean we can’t love someone who is in active sin. But it does mean we don’t participate in what they choose to do. And we don’t allow their choices to harm us and start drawing our heart into places of compromise, devastation, or deception.

Again, we all need grace when we mess up. But we also need the awareness that there is a difference between an occasional slip in behavior and an ongoing pattern of behavior.

not advocating a quick and easy pathway to ghosting friends, no longer seeing your parents, or quickly divorcing your spouse. Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship. Those words unsustainable relationship feel like a stab to my heart. I want relationships to be good and last for good. The grief over relationships ending is some of the deepest I’ve ever known.

Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (ESV).

Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship.

excitable. If our neighbours’ tempers are gunpowder, let us not play with fire.4

But when those who inflict harm aren’t horrified by it enough to get help so they don’t do it again, they most likely will do it again. And remember, the greater access we give them, the greater we will feel the impact of their harmful actions and the longer it will take us to recover from it all.

If we want recovery and healing, we would be wise to take a break or possibly make a clean break from the one wounding us. When saying goodbye . . . We can do it without hatred (anger) like God instructs. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Ephesians 4:26 ESV)

We can do it for a season or do it for a lifetime like God instructs. A time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away. (Ecclesiastes 3:6) We can have compassion on their pain like God instructs. Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous. (Psalm 112:4) We can and should work to forgive them like God instructs. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32 ESV) We can get rid of bitterness toward them like God instructs. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and cause...

People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. (2 Timothy 3:2–5)

None of this is easy to process. And a decision to say goodbye should not be made in a rush without wise counsel and much prayer. But remember, although God loved people so much that He gave His only Son’s life to try and save us, He’s also willing to accept our refusal to be saved. God has a line that He will not allow to be crossed. If someone refuses salvation, they will not be rewarded with eternal access to Him.

Hebrews 12:14–15: “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up a...

If peace isn’t possible in the current circumstances in a relationship, then we must strive to find peace with that person by changing the cir...

Here are more Bible verses containing God’s wisdom that we should factor into our thoughts and prayers when considering a goodbye. The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil. Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate. (Psalm 101:4–5) No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence. (Psalm 101:7) Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned. (Titus 3:10–11) Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent—the LORD detests them both. (Proverbs 17:15)

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15) I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. (Romans 16:17)

Establishing a breaking point can sometimes be a boundary that helps the relationship stay healthy. It clears up the nebulous questions around what is and is not permitted between you and the other person. That clarity will make the need for a goodbye much more obvious to both parties. It is helpful to think through boundary limits and breaking points when you are in a nonemotional, nonconfrontational mental space. Remember, like we talked about before, it’s important to prepare in times of security for times of insecurity. It’s important to prepare in times of health for times of dysfunction. So, here are a few questions to help you identify what a breaking point is for you: What am I willing to live with? What is and is not acceptable behavior? What are my deal breakers that would pull me from a place of health into unhealth?

Now, Let’s Live This . . . REMEMBER: Trauma isn’t just something that happens to you. It happens in you. When thinking through a relationship that’s shifted from difficult to destructive, we can’t just consider the facts, we must consider the impact as well. When people close to us are acting out of control, that’s when we run the greatest risk of lacking self-control. Processing a possible goodbye isn’t permission to peace out or tap out. It’s a pathway toward grieving and accepting one of the toughest realities we will ever face—an unsustainable relationship. If we want recovery and healing, we would be wise to take a break or possibly make a clean break from the one wounding us. We don’t want to violate God’s Word in our efforts to keep God’s Word.

their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. (Romans 8:5–6)

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. (Romans 12:18 ESV) But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. (2 Timothy 3:1–5) I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. (Romans 16:17)

“If peace isn’t possible in the current circumstances in a relationship, then we must strive to find peace with that person by changing the circumstances or changing the relationship.”

How have you misunderstood what it means to deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow Jesus (Luke 9:23)?

Show me who I can trust to process some of these things with. Thank You for Your never-ending love and faithfulness toward me. I know You will never leave me. In Jesus’ name, amen.

will lead to a temporary pause when you don’t communicate or see each other for a while but eventually come back together. A chance to slowly rebuild after a safe season of separation. Other times, they will lead to a final, forever goodbye to the relationship you once had. An ending.

So, I’m having to make peace with the fact there isn’t a formula to calculate where the relationship will go next. There will be some renewed relationships. There will be some temporary pauses. And there will be some forever goodbyes. But what is consistent with every one of these scenarios? Grief.

I love deeply. So, I tend to hurt just as deeply.

there’s going to be a million little funerals in my life that no one else attends. And it will probably be that way in your life too. And no one is going to bring you flowers and a casserole. There are Tuesday morning funerals and Friday night funerals and 7:30 p.m. sunset-after-work funerals. There are funerals that happen when you’re brushing your teeth or pouring a cup of coffee or making that drive you could do in your sleep. It’s not complicated or long or encapsulated within a perfectly crafted speech.

So, here’s how one of these funerals goes for me: I acknowledge what isn’t. I state out loud what makes me so disappointed and how unfair the whole situation feels. I see it as a good thing to cry out to God. I will get it all out because He can handle my honesty, fear, anger, and utter devastation expressed in its most raw form. I give myself permission to cry as many tears as I need to.

I then uninvite the image of the person I’ve held onto. That picture of who I wanted them to be isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. That picture isn’t reality. I acknowledge the person is unwilling or incapable of what I so very much desire for them and our relationship. But my desire doesn’t line up with their desire. So, it’s not realistic at this time. I release the person to be responsible for her life, just as I’m responsible for my life. I allow myself some time to feel sad and experience the emotions of grief. I say out loud what I’m releasing. “I am choosing to let go of [your notes]” (for example, resentment, anger, bitterness). I say out loud what this will now allow me space to receive. “I am choosing to receive [your notes]” (for example, joy, hope, a better future). I commit to setting and maintaining good boundaries for myself. And I will have another funeral about this tomorrow if need be.