Whispers of You (Lost & Found, #1)

by Catherine Cowles

“Not like she’d share if there was hell inside her head.” He looked back at me. “Keep trying. She’ll never let Chris or me in the way she used to talk to you. I don’t think she opens up to Grae like that either.” “I’m pretty sure I’m the last person she’d open up to right now.” He shook his head. “You’re wrong. It might take time, but you’re the person she needs.”

“I’ve known you both for a long time. Long enough to know that you’ve been miserable as hell without each other. I don’t want that for the people I care about. That regret will eat you up inside.”

“Don’t be an idiot like me. Fix it.” He didn’t give me a chance to reply. He simply turned on his heel and strode out of the station. Fix it. I didn’t have the first idea how I was supposed to do that when the woman in question could barely stand the sight of me. But I knew one thing: I’d need to stick around to have a chance in hell.

Since the moment he’d shown up, I’d wanted nothing more than for Holt to leave so I could go back to the normal I’d created for myself. It was safe. But it was also slowly killing me. Like drinking a little bit of poison every day. Seeing Holt again had reminded me of how I’d used to live. How we could find fun in the silliest and simplest things. How at peace I’d once felt. It hurt like hell to remember that, but it was so much worse to pretend that it hadn’t existed at all.

He chuckled. God, that sound—it was just like I imagined it would be. Deeper. Richer. Like a smoky whiskey that heated you from the inside out. I wanted to drown in that chuckle.

“Yeah, I’d like to get out from under that surveillance. Especially since I’m sticking around for a while.” My traitorous heart picked up its pace. “How long?” Holt’s thumb swept back and forth across the stubble below his lip. “For the foreseeable future. I need someplace to stay until I can find a longer-term rental.” His deep blue eyes swirled as they bored into mine. “And I hate the idea of you being out at the cabin alone. Especially after today.”

I’d loved how Holt wanted to care for and protect me a decade ago, but he’d given that away when he let me go. In some ways, it had been a good thing. I’d learned to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself. If Holt had stuck around, I wasn’t sure I ever would have done that.

Shadow let out another bark, this one happier, and then took off running. That had me turning. I watched as my dog happily leaped at Holt’s arrival. He let out a laugh that carried on the breeze. That sound had barely changed, a little deeper now maybe, but the sound itself, the way it was shaped, was just the same.

“Burgers and fries.” Holt eyed the drinks. “That a root beer float for me?” My cheeks flushed. When I’d walked into Dockside to order, knowing that Holt was coming here, I couldn’t stop myself from placing the order I had done before too many times to count. I hadn’t missed the way Jeanie’s eyes had flared at hearing the words pass my lips, but she hadn’t said a thing.

“I’m sorry you lost her.” I jerked, my gaze going to him now. “How’d you know?” He plucked at his burger bun. “I kept an eye on things from afar.”

Holt knew better than anyone how much Gran had meant to me. Other than him, she was my lifeline. When she passed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep going.

“I went to the funeral. I almost talked to you, but you had so many people around you, and I didn’t know if my presence would make things worse.” My heart thudded against my ribs. “You were there?”

It was easier to think Holt had stayed away because he hadn’t wanted me, not because he’d loved me too much. Easier to think that he hadn’t thought about me once since he’d left, not that he’d kept tabs and been a ghost around the edges of my life.

“Why?” I croaked. A sad smile played on his lips. “Not sure you’re ready for that answer, Cricket.”

I knew I looked like death warmed over. Even Wren had looked a little worried when she took in my face before leaving for work this morning. But that was what happened when you were being tortured by thoughts of the person who was everything to you lying in a bed just steps away from your room. Sleep had not happened.

“You thought every guy Maddie dated was either a creep or a doofus.” “Probably because they were,” Nash muttered. Or maybe because my brother had never been able to pull his head out and realize that he was in love with his best friend.

I opened my mouth to try to knock some sense into him, and then I thought about how many people had tried to talk to me about Wren—all my siblings except Roan. My parents. My right hand at my company. None of it had done any good. It’d only pissed me off. The only one who could change things for me was me. I had to be ready to come back here and face things.

Maybe ready wasn’t the right word. Nothing could have prepared me to face Wren again. But I had to be willing to live through all the pain for a chance to make things right.

“It’s just that Shadow is her baby. It’s hard for Wren to leave her with anyone.” The smallest flicker of something flared to life in my chest—something that felt a lot like hope.

The thought of staying lit a fire in me, but it wasn’t completely painful this time. It was a mixture. I’d missed the hell out of doing SAR. I’d missed my family. I’d missed Wren. But if I stayed, and Wren still wanted nothing to do with me? I’d be signing up for a lifetime of torture.

Clint was a good man. He’d always been kind to me. There were times I just felt broken. Like that internal compass was always pointing in the wrong direction when it came to relationships. Because it was still pointing firmly toward Holt. I slapped that thought away the second it surfaced. It was the last thing I needed swirling around in my head.

“I’ll do it out of uniform. Invite him to dinner. Seems like he could use a friend.” My mouth curved. “You’re a good man.” He grunted. “Don’t go spreading that around.” Laughter bubbled out of me. “I hate to break it to you, but the rumor’s already out.”

My mind started to drift to last night. To the lake. To Holt. How he’d silently watched over me for the past decade. That familiar war of longing and anger took flight inside me. I never knew which one would win out on any given day. Lately, the anger was hitting hard but in short bursts, while the longing was settling somewhere deep in my bones, showing no signs of leaving.

“You can’t come in.” “I know. I’m going to the station.” Because I only had one priority right then—Wren.

Shadow went straight to Wren, nudging at her hands. Wren absentmindedly stroked the dog’s head, but it was as if she were on autopilot. I crouched down next to her. “Wren?” She jolted at the sound of my voice. “What are you doing here?” I glanced at Abel, whose brows were furrowed in worry. “Wanted to make sure you were okay.” “I’m fine.” The words weren’t pissed off like Wren was furious at me for suggesting that she might be human. They weren’t fragile either, like she was on the edge of breaking. It was something so much worse. They were empty. Devoid of any emotion at all.

She stared up at him but didn’t say a word. It was as if she didn’t have any fight left in her at all. And that was what broke something deep inside me when I didn’t think I had anything left to break. I’d seen Wren in so many incarnations, but I’d never seen her totally and completely defeated—as if she’d given up altogether.

I looped Shadow’s leash around my wrist as I dug in Wren’s bag for her keys. When she started for the driver’s door, I gently guided her to the passenger side as I beeped the locks. She made no protest, simply climbed inside.

A million different curses flew through my head as I got behind the wheel and started the engine. I forced myself not to drive more than five miles over the speed limit, knowing the town was crawling with cops looking for anything out of the norm. My gaze kept pulling to the right side of the truck. To Wren. She was pale. Too pale. And those breathtaking hazel eyes were vacant now, no green fire in them at all.

I hated everything about her demeanor but didn’t have the first idea how to fix it. All I could do was get her home. Be there for her. Show her that she wasn’t alone.

I hurried up to the house, finding the key and sliding it into the lock. Wren slid by me as I opened the door, and I didn’t miss the way her body vibrated with phantom energy—the shock setting in deeper.

If I could get Wren warm, she would be okay.

Turning around, I studied the woman who had always owned me, body and soul.

Then one guttural sob pierced the air, and my chest cracked right along with it. Another sounded, a third on its heels. There was a brokenness to the noise that I’d never heard in all my life. A brokenness that had been living in Wren since that day ten years ago. A brokenness I’d left her alone in.

Memory after memory slammed into me. Holt’s voice telling me he loved me as I woke up after surgery. Mr. Peterson’s kind expression as he asked me how I was holding up. Gretchen’s wide smile as she recounted all the ways the shooting had made her grateful for her life. The sobs came faster. Harder. I couldn’t take in any air. It was as if there wasn’t any in the room around me.

A second later, a towel wrapped around me, and someone lifted me into strong arms. The world around me blurred. I thought there was a blanket then, too. A bed. And then I was drowning in Holt. He was all around me—that pine and spice. “I’ve got you.”

“I’m so sorry, Cricket. You’ll never know how much. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” His words only made me cry harder.

“Cricket.” My nickname was an anguished plea. There were no more words. Only soft caresses. His lips ghosting across my forehead. His hands skating up and down my back.

Because the truth was, the only thing that could bring me comfort right now was Holt—the tender way his fingers moved, the feeling so achingly familiar. The way his mouth uttered nonsensical things in a language that was all ours. I wanted nothing in this moment ...

And I let Holt soothe every wound that had been festering for a decade. It wasn’t just one action or whispered prayer. It was all of it, coming together from...

As the tears subsided and the trembling ceased, I still couldn’t get close enough. I was a woman starved. Cut off from the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced an...

“Tell me what you need, Cricket. Anything.” “I need you.”

I was already pulling away, the sting of rejection too strong. But Holt caught me, bringing me back to him. “Look at me, Cricket. See me. I’ve thought about you every damn day. Wanted you with every breath. Nothing will change that. Ever. But I won’t be able to live with myself if we go there, and you regret it tomorrow. You’ve been through hell today⁠—”

That even if I didn’t have Holt forever, I could have him for this moment. Maybe we could live our forever in this room.

waited for one beat. Two. Then I closed the distance. I sank into the familiar heat that was Holt. I’d kissed those lips a thousand times. Felt their coaxing warmth and gentle pressure. This kiss was different. It was a mix of deepest want and coming home. There was a desperation in it that had never been there before. His fingers tangled in my hair as I sank into the melding of our mouths. I wanted to disappear in the taste of him.

I’d always loved the feel of his roughened fingertips against my more delicate flesh. The way they sent waves of pleasant shivers flying through me. That wave was back. Only this was more.

“Tell me you’re sure.” I brought my eyes to his, letting him see the truth burning there. “I’m sure.”

The blue in his eyes sparked and swirled as he stared down at me. His fingers skated over my skin as if he were imprinting the image in his mind forever.

Holt pressed his lips to the scar over my heart. That heart seized in a stuttering beat. His lips traced the long line over my sternum, trailing down. “Holt,” I breathed, starting to squirm. I wasn’t ashamed of the scars or even embarrassed. But here? Like this? I felt exposed. Like one raw nerve ending.

“Your strength only makes you more beautiful,” he said hoarsely, his...

I arched into Holt, searching for more. More co...