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My girl had always doubted. Struggled to see just how amazing she was. That she was more than enough. That she was everything.
“I was drowning in guilt, and I didn’t know how to face you. You were hurting so much, and it was all because of me.” Wren reared back as if I’d struck her. “You didn’t shoot me.” “I was late.” The words were barely audible as if dragged from my throat by sheer force of will alone. “I told you I’d be there. Promised you I wouldn’t be late.” “You were always late.”
It wasn’t nearly enough, but it encompassed the truth. I should’ve been at Wren’s side. I’d given her my word. And I might as well have been a million miles away.
“You were everything to me. It was my job to keep you safe. To take care of you.” “We were supposed to take care of each other. That doesn’t mean it was your job to be my human shield.” My jaw went hard as granite. “Five minutes difference and I would’ve been there.”
“I don’t give a damn about the five minutes you missed that night. I give a damn about the last ten years you threw away.”
All the pain; the destruction of a life that had been so beautiful and held such promise. And for what? Because of five minutes. Three hundred seconds. Because Holt took the world on his shoulders and couldn’t release that Superman mentality. Five minutes had cost me a lifetime of happiness—or maybe Holt’s stubborn bullheadedness had. As livid as I was with him, my heart broke for Holt, too. The weight he carried was clearly crushing him. It had cost him his home, his family. Me. And for what? So he could play the noble, tortured hero?
She’d loved when Holt and I got together. Said it just meant I’d officially be her sister one day. And it wasn’t easy for her to give up on that dream.
“I don’t hate him. I want nothing but good things for him. But I can’t have him in my life the way you want me to.”
But I couldn’t watch him move on. I couldn’t see him every day, watch him with Lawson’s kids—maybe even his—knowing that we were too broken to ever find our way back to each other.
I didn’t give a damn about might’ve beens. I cared about making sure that Wren was safe.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Lawson clipped. “To make sure she’s okay.” “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” But I was already behind the wheel and sliding my keys into the ignition. Lawson cursed and jogged toward his SUV.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Wren stared at me for the count of three. “I’m fine. Really.”
I turned back to my brother and Wren. “And you shouldn’t have to.” Shock flared in her eyes. “Thanks.” “I’ll stay with you.”
“You have to be invited into someone’s home. Otherwise, you might end up arrested. Right, Law?”
“Wren,” he said quietly in that same soft tone that always had me caving to whatever he wanted.
Holt tipped his head back so he could meet my gaze. “I know I don’t deserve it. For a million different reasons. But let me stay anyway. I’ll leave first thing in the morning. I just don’t want you out here alone when someone’s been skulking around.”
team first. Always. My number one fan and star pitching coach. It was one of the things I’d missed the most when he left—the feeling of not being alone in the difficulties that life could bring.
Holt’s gaze shifted to my dog as he continued scratching her head. “I’d never be able to live with myself if something happened to you.”
As I stared at Holt, I wondered if it had been even worse for him than it had been for me. I cursed myself to high heaven as my resolve wavered. Because as angry at him as I was, I couldn’t stop myself from caring. From wanting to soothe those hurts and ease his burdens.
I’d sat in this house less than an hour ago, telling Grae that I couldn’t have this man in my life. And here I was, telling him he could stay the night?
“I know it hurts, Birdie. And you’ve got a right to that pain. But think how much he must have cut himself when he walked away from you. Now, he’s out there alone, half a world away, with nothing but ghosts to keep him company.”
He lived with that pain every single day. That didn’t erase what he’d done, though. To me. To us. But I didn’t feel quite so alone.
Lawson stared at me for a moment. “I’ve never known two people who loved each other more. Not even my parents. The way you two always were around each other… Like you could sense where the other was at all times and if they needed something,”—he took a breath—“you were giving it to the other before anyone else could blink.”
Holt had a duffel bag slung over one shoulder as he moved toward us. I drank in everything about him as he moved. Took in the way his white tee clung to his chest muscles, how his dark-wash jeans hugged his hips and thighs, and the way the scruff along his jaw made my fingers itch to feel the prickle of it.
I swore I still knew the whole thing by heart, simply from how often Wren and Grae had forced me to watch it. But I would’ve viewed it a million times more—anything to have Wren’s body curled around mine. To hear the soft whispers of her breath and how it hitched in certain parts and whooshed out in others.
Holt’s gaze swept over my face, assessing. Even my best mask wasn’t enough because he would always read me like a book. No, it was more than that. He could sense what I was feeling, as if whispers of those same emotions radiated through him.
And for the first time since Holt had returned, I felt a whisper of his emotions wash over me. He was trapped in the same prison, but his moment was different. Finding me on the bathroom floor. Not knowing if I was alive or dead.
“I need you to do just one thing for me.” “What?” The single word was a hoarse whisper. I lifted my head so I could look into Holt’s eyes, our faces just a breath away from each other. “Forgive yourself. Let this go before it destroys you.”
It had already cost him so much: our relationship. His bond with his family. It was time to release these demons.
I didn’t need Holt in here making amazing breakfasts and looking all sexy with his mussed hair and perfectly fitted T-shirt. A pang lanced my heart. How many T-shirts had I stolen from him over the years? Even now, they were shoved in a box in the back of my closet. I didn’t want to look at them every day, but I couldn’t bear to get rid of them either.
“Police calls should be confidential.” “Public record, Cricket,” Holt said from behind me. “Well, they shouldn’t be.”
And all I could think about was how easy it had been for Holt to walk out that door.
“What’s going on with you and Wren?” “None of your damn business.” My nostrils flared. “She will always be my business. And you know that.”
don’t give a damn about the five minutes you missed that night. I give a damn about the last ten years you threw away.” I’d thought I was doing the right thing. But all I’d done was inflict more damage on everyone around me.
Wren doing okay?” “Happily kicked my ass to the curb this morning.” Lawson chuckled. “I think it’s a hell of a lot of progress that you lasted almost twelve hours.” It didn’t feel like progress; it felt like torture. Two steps forward, one step back. Except each inch I gained was a reminder of everything I’d missed these past years.
“Holt, you two have a shot to find your way. But you’ll kill that if you come in after being gone for a decade and start trying to boss her around.” “That’s pretty much what she said. Just without the you-two-have-a-shot part.”
“I need to know she’s safe.” “I get that. I’ll have officers stopping by Wren’s place regularly. But you might try just talking to her. Tell her your concerns and ask if it would be okay if you used your contacts to get her a screaming deal on a security system. But you have to listen to her input on it.”
“I didn’t protect her. She’d been let down so many times, and I promised her I would always be there for her. When she needed me the most, I was nowhere to be found.” He blew out a long breath. “Holt. That shooting wasn’t on you. Those kids were sick. Twisted. If they wanted to find a way to hurt her, they would’ve succeeded. And I’m damn glad they didn’t have to go through you to do it.”
“I hate what Wren went through; it kills me. Neither of you should’ve had to face what you did. But you can’t be with someone twenty-four-seven. It’s impossible. Accidents happen. Horrible tragedies. Evil. That’s life. What matters is sticking with the people you love through it all.” That fire lit, swirling deep and burning everything in its wake. “And I didn’t.” My dad looked me straight in the eye. “You didn’t. And you need to face that. It won’t be easy. But you have to find a way to take ownership of your actions while having empathy for the boy who was scared out of his mind.”
“You didn’t have any more incidents at your place, did you?” I tried to hide my wince. Small town. Working for the department. Nothing was private. “No, nothing like that.” Not unless you counted an overbearing ex-boyfriend and nosy friends.
My gaze snapped up at the familiar, raspy tone. But I wished I hadn’t looked. Holt wore workout shorts that hung low on his hips and a T-shirt that clung to every ridge of muscle. I swallowed. Hard.
And even though Holt was still feet away, I swore I smelled that blend of pine and spice. Either that or I was having some sort of scent hallucinations now.
“I would like to help if you’d be comfortable with it.” “Holt, it’s a bad idea.” “Cricket, there’s nothing I can do that will fix the past. There’s not much I have to give now. But I can give this. It’s what I do, and I’m damn good at it.”
“Halo security systems are the best in the business. You know I wouldn’t put anything less in your house.” I did know, damn it. And I’d also seen that name before on homes and businesses.
“Thanks for letting me do this. For trusting me with it.” There was that dangerous T-word. Did I trust Holt? With my life? Yes. Without hesitation. With my traitorous heart? Never again.
“That boy looks like you just stole his last cookie.” I couldn’t help taking a quick glance over my shoulder. Holt’s focus was zeroed in on me, his thumb skating back and forth under his bottom lip. The move was so familiar it lit an ache in the deepest parts of me. Igniting a wish that things could be different. That I could erase the last ten years somehow and change that day and everything that followed.
Someone swung my chair around. I couldn’t make out the face, only a blurry form. It was the scent that told me everything. Pine with a hint of spice. I didn’t think, I simply threw myself at Holt. His arms wrapped around me. I wasn’t sure if I was crying or simply shaking but Holt was my anchor. The only way I could stay in the here and now. He held me, and he didn’t let go.
I had the burning urge to pick up Wren, run, and never stop. She trembled against me.
“Sorry,” she croaked. I scowled. “You know you don’t have to apologize. Not to me.”
“Desk clerk said you’ve been in here all afternoon.” What else was I supposed to do? I wasn’t leaving, and hovering behind Wren’s desk seemed like a piss-poor decision.
