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I started toward my truck, but a voice stopped me dead in my tracks. “Hey, Cricket.”
I knew now why I’d stayed away from photos of Wren. She’d been beautiful when I’d fallen in love with her. But now? It was the kind of beauty that branded you. Looking at her and truly seeing? You’d never be the same.
Her long hair cascaded down her back. The soft brown had hints of blond woven through it that hadn’t been there before.
The moonlight hit the swells of her cheeks, her skin picking up the rosy glow, even in the darkness. But the lack of light stole that mix of brown and green in her eyes from me. I would’ve given anything to see just how much green danced in them tonight.
Wren’s nickname had slipped from my tongue so easily that it was like I’d never stopped saying it. As if my mouth knew its shape better than any other word.
Anything would’ve been better. Screaming. Crying. Slapping me across the damn face. Not staring at me like I was no one. A stranger.
Wren’s hair lifted in the breeze as she climbed behind the wheel. Her eyes never once strayed in my direction, instead remaining focused only on the parking lot around her. I stayed frozen to the spot as she backed out and pulled onto the road. I didn’t breathe until her taillights disappeared altogether.
With speed came force. Wren’s face flashed in my mind. The expression that said I was nothing to her. My hook slammed into the leather, making my bones rattle. Flecks of emerald, the ones that blazed when I kissed her, teased and taunted.
A grin pulled at my lips. She’d told me that she wanted tonight to be special. I shook my head as I climbed the stairs. Didn’t Wren know by now that she made every damn moment special just by breathing?
I could still feel her heart beneath my hands, willing it to beat again. I would’ve made a deal with the devil for Wren to live. And I guessed I had in a way. Because Wren had gotten her miracle. And when she healed and was whole, I did the only thing I could, the only right thing. I walked away so she could find someone worthy of her.
Holt’s face flashed in my mind, torturing me just a little more. His hair was different. That same light brown shade but more closely cropped on the sides. I couldn’t help but wonder if that stray lock still swooped across his forehead. I wanted it to. But maybe he’d found a way to tame it as he’d grown into a man.
Broad shoulders and a muscular chest, defined arms and thighs that told me he was still running every day. All it had taken was a single second for his image to burn itself into my mind—into my bones.
Maybe because I’d seen the hollow look in his eyes, the one that told me he’d turned something off within himself. I knew how that went.
I wasn’t about to open my mess of a head to friends I hadn’t seen in a decade. They didn’t need to know how I’d lost it last night or that I hadn’t slept a wink because every time I started to drop off, my dreams were filled with blood.
“Wren know how you feel?” Her name was like fire in my veins, washing through me and leaving a trail of ash in its wake. “I don’t think Wren cares much how I feel. And I get it.” Jude scoffed. “I really thought a decade away would make you less of a moron.” My head snapped in his direction. “Excuse me?” “The girl’s still in love with you. Never stopped for a damn second. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her go on more than a handful of dates with someone. Won’t let anyone in her life even utter your name.”
Each word shredded my throat on the way out. But it was a pain I deserved. And one I would experience time and again if it meant that Cricket was happy. Safe.
I’d already concluded a long time ago that I would never love someone the way I’d loved Wren—the way I still loved her. Because it didn’t matter if it had been ten days or ten years. A love like that ruined you for all others.
woman like that who still loves you after you walked out of her life at the worst possible time? That’s a damn miracle. You don’t appreciate it, and I’m pretty sure God is going to strike you down.”
“You’re just like—” My words cut off. Holt. He was just like Holt with his obsession with food—pie, in particular. But food of all kinds was worthy of devotion.
It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate Jude and Chris looking out for me. I did. But asking that in front of two of Holt’s brothers? Not freaking cool. The last thing I wanted was one of them telling Holt that his presence hurt me. Holt didn’t get to know that he affected me at all.
“Sorry, Wren. I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward spot—” “It’s okay. I just don’t want Nash and Law going back to Holt with any stories. He’ll be gone before we know it, and I’ll be fine.”
An ache spread in my chest as her face flashed in my mind. How she’d forced me out of bed for long walks each day when all I’d wanted was to let the covers swallow me whole. She’d never wavered, and I’d eventually started to get better. But it hadn’t changed the fact that I was walking around like some hollow half person. Because the life I’d thought would be mine, the one I wanted more than anything, had been ripped out from under me.
I’d spent so many years planning that life with Holt. But that when the right person came along, I wouldn’t feel that way.
My finger hovered over the button to end the call as if I couldn’t be sure that Jane would really be all right. Abel leaned over and hit it for me, startling me out of my frozen state. Concern filled his eyes. “You okay?” I nodded as I jerked to my feet, tearing off my headset. “Gonna take my ten.”
I tore through the front doors and onto the sidewalk, colliding with a tall, broad form. Arms came around to steady me. It wasn’t the body I recognized or even the hands. Those were so different from all those years ago. It was the scent—pine with a hint of spice and a little something else that I’d never been able to identify but had always meant Holt to me. One that always felt like home.
It shouldn’t have felt this good to have Wren in my arms—not when I could feel the panic rolling off her in waves.
“What happened, Cricket?” “Don’t call me that,” she snapped. It might’ve been anger, but at least it was something. It wasn’t the cool indifference of last night, or the anxious panic of mere seconds ago. I’d take anger over those two any day.
I would’ve known Wren anywhere—even with fuller cheeks and lighter hair. She could’ve looked completely different, and my soul would’ve somehow managed to pick her out of a crowd.
“You can drop the good-guy act. It’s just me. You don’t have to pretend to care.” My back molars ground together. “I’m not trying to put on any act.” The idea that I was a good man had long since dissipated. I had too much blood on my hands. “Just because I left doesn’t mean I stopped caring.” Wren looked as if I’d slapped her. Then, a second later, her mask was back in place. “Sure as hell could’ve fooled me.”
“Wren can handle herself. She’s been doing this job for a long time. This isn’t the first time she’s gotten a call that triggered her. Won’t be the last, either. It’s part of what makes her uniquely qualified to be a dispatcher. She has an understanding that very few people have.” That fire inside me burned again, turning everything in its wake to painful ash. “She shouldn’t have to have that understanding.” “No, she shouldn’t. But she does. That’s life. It’s messed-up and rarely fair.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Holt.” I jerked around to face Nash. “It wasn’t,” he pushed. “It was two sick teenagers who never should’ve had access to weapons.” My nostrils flared, and my breathing turned ragged. “I. Was. Late.” “And I made you late. Do you think I wanted Wren to get shot? That I wanted her to almost die?” I shook my head in a rough movement. “I made her a promise. Me. If I’d been there—” “Then they would’ve shot you, too.” “I could’ve protected her.”
“You saved her life, Holt. You got her breathing again. You stayed with her until the paramedics got there.” “Stop,” I barked. Images assailed my mind. Skin so pale, going cold. Life slipping away under my fingertips. Nash stared at me. “You need to let this go or it’s going to kill you. You’ve already been trying to kill yourself for a decade. Get a clue. The reaper doesn’t want you. Maybe this is your shot to make things right, here and now.”
Wren’s face flashed in my mind—the panic embedded there. I could see the little tremor in her hands as if she were still standing right in front of me. I’d thought that if I left, she’d be able to heal. That she’d be safe.
And the truth was, I hadn’t wanted to face what I’d done to her. Hadn’t wanted to see that betrayal in her eyes as she’d finally come to terms with the truth—that I hadn’t been there the moment she needed me the most. But it was time for me to face it. I needed to let myself drown in the pain and not hide from it by taking mission after mission. Because Wren still lived with that pain. Every. Damn. Day.
It didn’t really matter who it was, just as long as it wasn’t Holt’s broad-shouldered form. His words echoed in my head. “Just because I left doesn’t mean I stopped caring.”
The deadness in his voice should’ve been my first sign. He would hold my hand and kiss my temple, but never did his mouth meet mine.
He didn’t see me the same way Holt had. Holt knew what I was thinking or how I was feeling before I could even find the words. But there was comfort in knowing that I could still keep the worst of my torture to myself around Lawson.
“He’s a mess, Wren.” My fingers curved around the arms of the chair, but I didn’t say a word. Lawson let his statement hang heavy in the air for a moment. “I know he hurt you, but he was a kid, too. What happened to him, finding you like he did…it can twist a person up.” “So it’s my fault he bailed?” “Of course, not. I’m just saying there are as many sides to a story as those who’ve lived it.”
And Kerry often told this story of two-year-old Holt toddling over, transfixed by the baby with the hazel eyes. She said he used to stand guard over me, not letting anyone close until they proved their good intentions.
That had never changed over the years. Always my protector. The one who picked me up when I took a tumble off my bike and tended to my skinned knees. The one who insisted his brothers let Grae and me play whatever they were doing. The one who decked a jerk in the third grade for making a habit of taunting me, thus getting suspended for a whole week.
I’d been half in love with Holt Hartley since I could walk. But it took some time for him to come around to the idea. He’d said that he’d always loved me but that the love just looked different at each point in our lives. I’d thought that wo...
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She ushered me to the kitchen, and I was proud that my steps only faltered slightly as my eyes locked with deep blue ones. Holt’s stare was like a force field I had to fight against to make any forward progress. “Hey, Cricket.”
“You weren’t acting like a man thrilled to see his son.” Nathan was quiet for a moment as we walked, his gait labored but better than the last time I’d been here. “He won’t stay.” “So what?” His head jerked up. “I want time with my son. I put up with him chasing every life-threatening situation he could find all over the globe, but I’m done with it. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left on this Earth, and I’d like to actually get to know my boy before I’m gone.” My steps faltered, and I gaped at Nathan. “So, you’re…what? Trying to heckle him into staying?” Nathan flushed. “Hey, it’s worked
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Our gazes locked. An entire lifetime passed in a matter of heartbeats—years full of how Holt would’ve teased our babies, tossing them high and letting the giggles rain down around us. Years full of watching them grow and making that football team of a family we’d always wanted. I’d been wrong earlier. I’d never learn to live with pain like this. It would swallow me whole first.
The color drained from Wren’s face, the green extinguishing from those gorgeous hazel eyes. She was already backing away. Her head swiveled, looking for a way out like a cornered wild animal.
“I know you’ve finally realized what a garbage human I am and that I never deserved her, but do me a favor and back off for just a damned second.” His jaw dropped as my mom gasped. “You’re not a garbage human.” “We both know that’s not true. But I’m not going to let Wren suffer for it. So, give me one fucking minute to try to make this right.”
The image that greeted me shredded whatever was left in my chest. Wren, dropped to the asphalt next to her truck, arms locked around her legs, rocking back and forth.
My Cricket. The woman I’d loved all my life.
“It’ll hurt so much more if you touch me.” Tears streamed down her face as she struggled for breath. “I can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t. I can’t see what we could’ve had. I can’t watch you move back here, fall in love with another woman, and give her all my dreams. I can’t.”
Her nickname only made Wren cry harder. “Don’t. I know I wasn’t enough, but I can’t be reminded of that every day. I can’t do it.”
