Mistakes Were Made

by Meryl Wilsner

Cassie tried to estimate how far the pantry was from the counter. She got off on doing things she shouldn’t, sure, but they hadn’t been ten feet from Erin’s daughter. Erin hid a grin behind her mug of cocoa.

The next day began with a good morning kiss and ended with game night at Haylee’s.

Cassie was going to reply that that was very definitely not true, but Parker shouted from across the room, “Who are you sexting over there, Klein?” “Your mom,” was out of her mouth before she could stop herself. Parker rolled her eyes and went back to her conversation with Caleb. Cassie put her phone away.

She wasn’t really hungover, just grouchy. Haylee’s house was nice, but Cassie wanted to go back to Parker’s, where there was good coffee and better company—Erin would never try to talk to her about Social goddamn Security before 10 A.M.

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.” Cassie vaguely knew that voice was for her, but she didn’t want to wake up. She burrowed deeper into the couch cushions. There was laughter, then, and though she was mostly asleep, Cassie knew it was Erin’s. She cracked an eye open. Erin stood over her in blue scrubs.

Cassie rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. She cleaned up the extra ketchup with a fry and mmmed at how delicious it was. “Fuck, that’s good,” she said, before remembering she wasn’t just with crass college students. “I mean—sorry.” She hadn’t meant to swear, but the fry was really good. Erin was studiously not looking at her. “Ray’s is the best,” Parker said. When Cassie took her first bite of the burger, she outright moaned, and it was then that she noticed the blush on Erin’s cheeks.

“What are you doing?” Erin whispered, but she was smiling. “I haven’t gotten to touch you all day,” Cassie whined. She slipped into the room and closed the door gently behind her. Erin chuckled and set aside her book. “Well, now’s your chance.”

Then Cassie’s knee slipped off the mattress, and her upper body slammed into Erin. “Shit,” Cassie said, scrambling to get off. But Erin just laughed and held her there. I missed you. Cassie didn’t say it. It hadn’t even been thirty-six hours since they last kissed.

“I’ll go back to my room in a minute, I swear,” she said. “And why exactly would you do that?” “Um.” Erin bit where her neck met her shoulder, and it took Cassie a second to fully respond. “You’re the one who said we can’t have sex with Parker in the house.” “Does oral sex really count as sex anyway?” Erin tried to kiss her on the mouth again, but Cassie was laughing at her. Quietly, mindful of Parker, but Cassie couldn’t not laugh at her. “Uh, yeah,” Cassie said. “It definitely still counts as sex.” Erin shrugged. “Guess I won’t sit on your face then.” Cassie stopped laughing. “What?” Erin arched one of her perfect eyebrows. “I was going to, but if you say we can’t, I guess I won’t.” She was playing her. She was being fake nonchalant about it in a way designed to get Cassie to rush to change her mind. Cassie rushed to change her mind anyway. “No, it’s okay,” she said. She kissed Erin, slowly. “I don’t think oral sex counts. It’s probably fine.” “Yeah?” Erin said with a grin. Cassie nodded. “Absolutely.” “Then lie down.” Cassie did as she was told.

She didn’t think she’d ever get enough of Erin’s skin. She’d call it milky white if that didn’t sound like the opposite of a compliment—who wanted to be called milky?

Thank you!! All the “milky” and “creamy” skin language is so…ick.

“Is this what you wanted?” Erin asked. “Is this why you were sad you hadn’t touched me all day?” “Yes,” Cassie gasped. She bit the back of her hand to keep from crying out. “You were thinking of fucking me all day?” “Fuck, Erin, yes.”

“I’ll go in a minute, I swear,” she said. “I’m just not sure I can move my legs right now.” Erin huffed a laugh and rubbed her face against Cassie’s shoulder. “Don’t be an idiot. Just stay.” That sobered Cassie pretty quickly. “Um. But Parker…?” “Sleeps until noon,” Erin said, and reached to click off the light. Cassie was glad for the sudden darkness and the way it disguised her smile. Erin read her silence wrong, though. “If you want to go, by all means sneak down the hallway.” Her voice had no give to it. “Makes more sense to stay if you ask me.” “I guess if you’re gonna twist my arm,” Cassie said. She was already halfway to sleep, sated and warm. “As long as you’re not a sleep cuddler,” Erin said as though she weren’t still pressed up against Cassie. Cassie fell asleep instead of teasing her about it.

Erin lifted her head to check the clock on the bedside table. Not quite seven thirty. “Plenty of time,” she murmured, and kissed Cassie. Cassie’s mouth fell open more than she kissed back, like she hadn’t been expecting it. Erin reveled in surprising her. She had been predictable, dependable for most of her life. This felt better. It was different from yesterday. More desperate. They’d clearly moved past the no-fucking-while-Parker-was-in-the-house rule, and Erin was sure she’d feel awful about that any minute, but for now she couldn’t help herself.

“Put clothes on!” Erin caught the soft gray Henley against her face and inhaled. It smelled like the travel-sized body wash that had appeared in the shower this week. “This is yours.” A giggle escaped. “No.” Cassie pointed a finger at her. Her attempt at austerity wasn’t particularly effective, given that she was fully topless. “This is not funny! Do not laugh at my potential impending death!”

“You were really going to go out the window, huh?” “I was halfway out the window.” “How were you going to explain your broken ankle?” “I don’t know! It was fight or flight!” The patent ridiculousness of that made Erin double over she was laughing so hard. Cassie looked at her like she’d lost her mind, and maybe she had, focusing on the hilarity of the situation instead of all the ways it could go wrong. “This is maybe the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” she said, letting out one last chuckle. Cassie’s face fell. She ran a hand through all that blond hair. “We can stop,” she said, almost but not quite a sulk. “If you want.” “God, no,” Erin said. She crossed the room to kiss Cassie. “I haven’t had this much fun in years.” Cassie ducked her head like somehow that would make Erin not notice her smile.

Erin had felt bad for not reading “real” books for so long, she’d never really questioned it.

That first night in the bar, Cassie’s confidence had been sexy as hell. It was more than that now. It was impressive, really, that this woman who was barely old enough to drink was so certain, of herself and the world around her. She could teach Erin a thing or two.

After a while, Cassie slid her hand over onto Erin’s thigh. Erin fought her smile. Cassie’s hand inched toward more interesting places, but Erin shifted away. “Cassie,” she barely opened her mouth to say it. “My daughter is three feet away.” She tried not to think about a few days ago, when she had kissed Cassie in the pantry, just around the corner from Parker in the kitchen. “Yeah, but she’s passed out,” Cassie whispered. Erin leveled her with a stare, and it was supposed to be stern, but Cassie bit her lip like she was hiding a smile, and it reminded Erin of everything else she could do with that mouth. “Okay, okay,” Cassie said before Erin could make any more terrible decisions. “I’ll be good.” She moved her hand back a safe distance, but kept it on Erin’s thigh. By the next commercial break, Erin had tangled her fingers with Cassie’s under the blanket.

Erin prided herself on her poker face. It was something she’d had to perfect throughout her life. Early on, she learned to keep her face blank rather than roll her eyes at her mother. The skill came in handy dealing with patronizing professors, arrogant attendings, any number of people who doubted, ignored, or underestimated her. She used it when telling patients or their families bad news. But when Cassie poked her head around the corner, Erin’s face broke open into a smile. Cassie came into the room on her tiptoes, like she was sneaking, even with her heavy steps on her way up from the basement. She was cute as hell. “What are you doing up here?” Erin asked. “The party’s downstairs.” Cassie sat so close to Erin on the couch their knees banged together. “Yeah, but I heard the prettiest girl in town was up here.” It was a ridiculous, obviously tipsy line, but Erin’s chest swelled with warmth anyway. Her laugh was more a giggle than anything. “How drunk are you?”

“I mean, I get wanting to do that, no matter who is around, but I hope I’m a little more discreet about it.” Erin quirked an eyebrow. “The middle of the living room is being discreet?” “Who said I was talking about you?”

mean, I get wanting to do that, no matter who is around, but I hope I’m a little more discreet about it.” Erin quirked an eyebrow. “The middle of the living room is being discreet?” “Who said I was talking about you?”

“I just—” Cassie finally seemed to lose some of that confidence she was always walking around with. She scuffed one foot against the carpet. “I mean, it’s New Year’s,” she said eventually. She was looking at the ground when she said, “You’re supposed to kiss somebody at midnight.” “God, you’re cute.”

Before Cassie decided whether she wanted to stew in silence or actually address this, Erin said, “I don’t want to talk about it, Cassie. I understand, but I don’t want to talk about it, okay? Now, are you going to kiss me good morning or not?”

She kissed her carefully. She’d never really tried to put so much feeling into a kiss before, to say I’m sorry and It’s okay and How did you expect me to do this without telling someone about you? She cradled Erin’s face. Erin bumped their noses together.

Cassie pressed her ankle against Erin’s under the table. She wasn’t trying to be flirty. She just—she still wasn’t sure what ground they stood on. Erin pushed her ankle back against Cassie’s. Maybe she was forgiven for telling Acacia.

“Can I do anything to make you feel better?” Erin asked. “You should have a pet—a dog or a big cat or something.” Erin’s smile went soft. “Why?” “Because pets can cuddle you when you’re sick without getting sick themselves.” She was aware she sounded pathetic, but her throat hurt and she wanted to snuggle and feel taken care of. “How’s this,” Erin said, “I’ll sit at the foot of the couch? You can put your feet in my lap while I read over some stuff for work?” Cassie tried not to seem too desperate when she nodded. She fell asleep with Erin rubbing absently at the arch of her right foot.

She had dinner ready. It was literally homemade chicken soup, and Cassie felt, for a moment, almost smitten. Give her a break—she hadn’t kissed Erin in more than twenty-four hours; that plus the fever had her a little delirious.

“No!” Cassie scrambled back toward the headboard, suddenly more awake. “I still could be contagious or something. I don’t want you to get sick.” Erin chuckled. “But we can’t have you spending the day pissy with Parker because you didn’t get your good morning kiss.” Cassie squinted up at her. “That’s what happened last time I went to work without kissing you good morning,” Erin said. “Am I wrong?”

It only took about twenty minutes to get to the airport, and Cassie didn’t mean to fall asleep, but Erin rested her palm over Cassie’s thigh and her eyes got heavy and the next thing she knew Erin was shaking her awake. “Erin,” Cassie said when she realized they were in a parking garage. “You could have dropped me at the curb.” “Too late.” Erin smiled and Cassie rolled her eyes. “You’re too much.” “I’ve heard that’s a compliment,” Erin said.

She handed Erin her empty travel mug. “Don’t want to steal this,” she said. “But I might need more caffeine. Can I buy you a coffee?” “You’d have to drink it before security. Do you have enough time?” “There’s like no line, Erin. It’s fine. As long as you’re okay maybe paying for parking? It said it was only free for the first half hour.” Erin quirked an eyebrow and echoed Cassie’s words back to her. “It’s like four dollars, Cassie. It’s fine.” There was a Starbucks near the baggage claim. Cassie bought a vanilla latte for Erin and a caramel macchiato for herself. Their fingers touched when Cassie handed over the cup. Erin smiled at her, and Cassie looked away, her cheeks warm. It was too early. They sat on a bench by the window, Cassie’s carry-on tucked beside them. Neither said anything. What were you supposed to say to your friend’s mom at the end of your … affair or whatever the fuck they were calling this? Cassie slouched in her seat, stretched her legs out. If her ankle came to rest against Erin’s, so be it. Erin’s eyes crinkled at their corners, and Cassie was pretty sure she was hiding a smile behind her coffee cup. Cassie’s face flushed hotter.

“So this was fun,” Cassie said. She shifted on her feet. “Don’t make this awkward, Cassie,” Erin said. “I’m not!” Cassie protested, knowing she was. “It was fun, for real.” “It was.” “Yeah, I’m really glad you stopped denying my hotness.” Cassie grinned. Erin shoved her shoulder. “You’re an idiot.” “So I’ve been told.” There was a moment where they just stood there smiling at each other, then Cassie wasn’t really sure who moved first but suddenly they were kissing. She was mildly aware that they were in public, but she didn’t really care that they were kissing too hard to be family friendly. Almost no one was at the airport. So they were giving the TSA guys a little thrill, who cared? She was wobbly on her feet when they pulled back, and Erin kept her hands on Cassie’s hips until she was steady. Erin grinned like she knew the effect she had. Cassie kissed her again, quick, to wipe it off her face.

Cassie was eating dinner that night, settled in and comfortable in her apartment, when she got a text. Erin [7:23 PM] You got me sick Cassie [7:24 PM] I told you not to kiss me! It’s not my fault! Cassie [7:24 PM] I hope you feel better tho. At least it’s just like a 24 hour bug Erin [7:25 PM] It was worth it;)

Carolyn reaffirmed Erin, asked more questions, let her talk. It was a typical therapy session except for the way Erin avoided the thing she needed to talk about the most. No, that wasn’t right. She didn’t need to talk to her therapist about Cassie. It was fine! It happened. It was fun. It was over.

“Sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable for people we love.”

“I’m still learning it, I think, but…” It felt ridiculous to say, but it was all she’d come up with. “Fuck should. It doesn’t matter what I’ve been trained to think I’m ‘supposed’ to do. What do I want? What makes me feel good? What will make my relationships stronger? Those are the questions that matter. Not what should I do.”

The polish was called Hotter Than You. It made her think of Cassie—the confidence in the name, the fading streaks in her hair, her devilish tongue wetting her lips, the flesh between her thighs.

Cassie [Today 1:37 PM] I heard it was your birthday A grin broke across Erin’s face. She dipped her chin to her chest and her thumbs flew over her phone. Erin [1:37 PM] It might be … An ellipsis, like she was trying to be cute or coy or something. As though she could pull off coy after texting back the same minute.

“Who the hell are you texting?” Erin dropped her phone. She managed to kick it—with her shin, not her foot—before it landed in the tub, and it clattered across the floor instead, chased by a wave of water. The nail tech sighed. “Sorry!” Erin winced. “Sorry.” He handed her the phone before reaching for a towel. “I’d like to amend my question,” Rachel said. “Who the fuck are you texting?” Erin’s face was probably the color of the nail polish she’d picked out. “My hairdresser texted to wish me a happy birthday.” “I’m sorry, do you want to fuck your hairdresser?”

She shoved her phone between her thigh and the armrest. Closing her eyes, she leaned back into the massage chair. Hopefully she was conveying complete relaxation. In reality, her pulse jumped when her phone buzzed again.

Cassie [1:38 PM] Happy birthday. I hope you get everything you want How did Cassie even know it was her birthday? Parker must have told her, obviously. But Erin wasn’t thinking about her daughter. She’d been thinking of Cassie even before the other woman texted. It’d been three weeks since Erin had driven Cassie to the airport, but she still thought about her. Too often. She couldn’t take a shower without blushing. Well, blushing and wishing Cassie were there with her.

It was her birthday. She was allowed to daydream about fucking her daughter’s friend if she wanted to. She was allowed to pretend she didn’t do it most days with no excuse.

It was the first week of February and Cassie was thinking about doing something stupid. She and Erin had texted twice since winter break: Erin’s initial text about getting sick, then Cassie wishing her a happy birthday. And now Cassie was online, looking at 1800flowers.com, thinking about doing something stupid.

She was sprawled across Cassie’s couch, clicking through Facebook on Cassie’s computer.

See, I love this part so much. There is enough information to realize what caused Parker’s attitude toward Cassie and Erin, but it is not like, super obvious if this line is missed!!

Cassie headed to her bathroom, because being in the same room as Parker while thinking of fucking her mom was too much. “I gotta pee.”

Erin [Today 4:23 PM] Babe. You got me flowers? Erin [4:23 PM] They’re beautiful. Cassie’s stomach did this swooping thing that was really dumb, but she couldn’t help her smile. Cassie [4:24 PM] You like them?

When she got back to the living room, Parker stood in the middle of it, looking—shocked, or something.

Cassie’s stomach kept doing the swooping thing. She decided she must be too hungry to wait for the cafeteria and went about making her own dinner. She definitely didn’t spend the entire time she was cooking thinking about how Erin had never called her babe before.

She clicked to the messages app on her computer so she didn’t have to switch back and forth between her laptop and phone.

“They look great,” Cassie said. Erin turned the camera back to herself, and Cassie added, “You look great.”

They chatted. Just chatted, like it was completely normal to be FaceTiming each other. Erin propped her phone up on the counter, and Cassie watched while she flitted in and out of the frame, chopping vegetables and cooking at the stove and pouring herself a glass of wine. Cassie told her how classes were going, and Erin talked about her day at work—a few mentions of patients, but mostly stories of reactions to the flowers.