Mistakes Were Made

by Meryl Wilsner

Cassie was perfectly happy getting slowly drunk by herself in a bar where she knew no one. That was, until she spotted this woman.

“Are you always this bold?” Cassie shrugged. Why play games? There were no stakes here. Erin was a hot stranger; she didn’t have the power to hurt Cassie. There was no reason to pretend she wanted to go slow. Plus: “It’s working, isn’t it?”

Erin kissed her once more before leading the way. She held her hand as they weaved through the crowd toward the door; Cassie’s lips turned up before she forced them down, annoyed at herself for finding it endearing.

“God,” Erin whispered, and Cassie couldn’t resist. “You can just call me Cassie.”

“Christ,” Cassie said, falling back. “You can just call me Erin.” Cassie lost her laugh in a gasp.

Erin kissed Cassie’s temple as she recovered, and Cassie bit the inside of her cheek to tamp down the goofy smile threatening to take over her face. She was always silly and pliable after sex. Erin climbed off her, but it took Cassie a few breaths to remember to move. When they were seated upright, she leaned over for a kiss. Then put her bra back on and stole another. Erin smiled. “That was nice.” “Definitely,” Cassie said, pulling her shirt over her head. “Next time I gotta get at your tits, though.” Shit. Next time. She should never be allowed to talk this soon after orgasm.

The brightest light Cassie had seen Erin in was in the fucking bathroom, but even here, under the weak lights of the parking lot filtered through the windshield, the older woman shone. If Cassie were a romantic, she’d say Erin’s eyes were like the night sky—she’d never get bored tracing their constellations. But she was absolutely not a romantic, so mostly she was just proud of herself for picking up a woman this hot. And she was never gonna see her again, so Cassie figured she might as well take advantage of the goodbye. She kissed Erin as dirty as she knew how, waited for her to lean closer, over the center console, then pulled away, Erin chasing her lips. “It’s been fun,” she said, and climbed out of the car without looking back.

“I was in the shop all day,” Cassie continued. “Didn’t have time to get all dolled up.” Her eyes flicked to Erin’s chest. Erin wore a V-neck that showed a hint of cleavage, but it was still just a T-shirt—she was hardly dolled up. The attention made her bold. She dragged her eyes up Cassie’s body. “You are a little dirty, aren’t you?”

For one terrifying moment, she wished she was a hugger, because at least then she’d get to touch Erin again. Okay, you’re done. She shut it down. She’d just wished she was a hugger. This had clearly gone too far. Erin was a good kisser, but that was ridiculous. Get ahold of yourself. She’d say goodbye to Erin and move on. Emerson better be buying a lot of booze.

“Thanks again for breakfast, Erin,” Cassie said. Erin put a hand on her shoulder, and it took a lot of effort not to lean into it. “Anytime, Cassie. It was great to get to know you,” Erin said.

“C’mon, babe, the booze isn’t going to drink itself,” Acacia said once they were out of earshot. “Kaysh, he was—” “I know,” she said. Then: “Am I wrong, though, or is Parker’s mom kind of a MILF?” Cassie sputtered. “Oh my God.” “I’m just saying!” “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

Without distractions like Emerson, though, she ended up thinking about Erin kind of a lot. Not all the time, but enough that it bothered her. It started with—well, Cassie had had a rough start to her week and she was looking for a little stress relief. It only made sense that she thought of her most recent super-hot experience to help her get off. That was what she meant to do, anyway, think of the experience, not of Erin specifically, but it all got a little muddled in her brain.

Then in her bio class, she wondered what kind of doctor Erin was.

When the professor released the class, Cassie realized she’d been zoning out thinking about Erin for almost ten minutes. Shit.

Cassie sputtered. She didn’t need anyone to take care of her, hadn’t for a long time. She just wanted to hook up with someone. It didn’t even have to be Gwen; she was just pretty and older and seemed to have her shit together. Cassie refused to think too hard about why she was attracted to that sort of thing right now.

Parker thought it was funny and teased her the whole way to campus. At least that saved Cassie from having an obnoxiously sincere heart-to-heart about why she was getting drunk and hitting on older girls. She really didn’t want to talk about it. Except she must have, because the first weekend in November she talked Acacia into a nostalgic movie night where they watched How to Train Your Dragon, just the two of them. Right before the battle against the Red Death, Cassie paused the movie. “I have to tell you something.”

“You slept with Parker’s mom?” Cassie swallowed. “I didn’t know she was her mom at the time.” Acacia took a deep breath. She looked toward the ceiling, like she was trying to figure out the details without having to ask. “When?” she finally said. “Family Weekend,” Cassie answered. “Friday.” Acacia’s eyes went wide. “Friday? Friday like the day before you went out to breakfast with her and Parker? The day before you sat next to her at the a cappella concert?” Cassie nodded. “Fuck, Cass,” Acacia said. “How did you even sit next to her? God—you didn’t do anything then, did you?” “No,” she said immediately. “I mean—we just, like a little, in the bathroom—” “What the fuck, Cassie?”

“Oh my God, you fucked Parker’s mom and now you’re hung up on her. This is hilarious.”

“You’re so hung up on her, you had to tell me about it weeks later. Have you been thinking of her this whole time?” “No,” Cassie bit out the lie immediately.

Cassie told her everything. Acacia was silent until Cassie mentioned stumbling off the curb and Erin catching her. “Shit, Klein, you are so fucked.” “What?” That was like, the least bad part of this story. She’d fucked her friend’s mom and played footsie with her while at the same table as her daughter, but letting Erin catch her before she face-planted was what fucked Cassie over? “So distracted staring into this woman’s eyes you fall over? And don’t mind when she catches you? With most people, you’d rather eat pavement than let them put their hands on you. I was mostly kidding about you being hung up on her, but damn.”

“So you made out with my brother because you were sexually frustrated about Parker’s mom?” she said. “That is too good.”

Spending too much time in the shop was a better way to get her mind off Erin than sleeping with someone else would’ve been. She’d probably compare them, which would be worse.

Then Cassie had a really stupid idea. It was a hideously stupid idea; she knew it was. There was absolutely no good reason to get Erin’s number out of Parker’s phone. She would never be able to explain to Parker why she had it if she ever found out. There was no way she would ever even use it. That rationalized it for her, though. She wasn’t actually going to text Erin or anything. But wouldn’t it be funny if she had her number? There was nothing wrong with having it if she didn’t use it. She saved it under MILF first, because she was drunk and that was hilarious, but it also kind of seemed like she was asking to get caught.

So now she had Erin’s phone number. Not that it mattered, because she wasn’t going to do anything with it. She totally wasn’t. That’d be ridiculous.

Space might as well be endless. It made her feel inconsequential, in a good way. Like all the ways she fucked up down here didn’t matter. The stars wouldn’t mind. She could get hammered and get Parker’s mom’s number and the universe wouldn’t ever stop expanding. She didn’t share Parker’s habit of drunk texting. Never had. Tonight, though, she was looking at the stars and thinking about Erin and feeling reckless. And so what if she was feeling a little turned on, too? You try drunkenly watching hot girls make out.

Cassie wasn’t a fucking coward. Okay, it might have been creepy to send a message like that to someone who didn’t have her number—shit, now that she considered it, she’d probably come across as a complete jackass.

“You can bone anyone you want,” Parker continued. “As long as it makes you happy. I don’t care who you’re boning as long as you’re happy.” That took a decidedly unfunny turn, hitting a little too close to home. Cassie rolled out from under Acacia and stood next to Parker’s bed.

Cassie sighed. That was the thing, right there. She could get over the presumptuousness of Parker buying the tickets before asking her. She didn’t even care that it was a lot of money; she had no problem with rich people spending their money on her. But the idea of sharing a house with Erin for two weeks?

“You wanna talk about it?” Acacia asked. She’d been silent since they left the airport, letting Cassie process or something. “It’s whatever,” Cassie grumbled. She turned up the radio. Then turned it down. “Did you know about this?” she asked. Acacia nodded. “You’re gonna have fun.” Cassie wasn’t so sure. “You can’t fuck Parker’s mom while you’re staying with her for winter break.” “I’m aware of that, Acacia.” “But you’re going to want to, like, the whole time you’re there.” Cassie was aware of that, too. Kaysh tapped her thumbs against the steering wheel. “Remind me again why you can’t just keep it in your pants?” “I can—I should—I will,” Cassie insisted. “I will.” Acacia glanced over at her. Neither of them said anything. “Erin’s just, like, super attractive, okay?” Cassie said eventually; Acacia’s patient quiet had always made her say too much. “And she’s pretty funny—I mean, we just made fun of Parker mostly, but whatever—you know how I feel about funny people.” “Yeah, your panties drop.” She wasn’t wrong. “Just don’t fuck Parker’s mom.” She paused, then added, “Again.” Cassie groaned. “I know, Kaysh. I’m not going to.”

“She can’t even be that mad at me, though,” Cassie broke the silence. “Parker, I mean.” “What?” “She can’t be that mad at me for sleeping with Erin. She said I can bone whoever I want as long as I’m happy. Plus, she slept with Seth.” Acacia stared at her for so long Cassie had to remind her to watch the road. “She fucked your boyfriend so you get to fuck her mom?” “Yeah,” Cassie said, because that only seemed fair, right? “Quid pro quo.” “That’s not how that works.” “Actually, that’s exactly how that works.” “Her mother, Cassie.” Cassie shrugged. “You know she’s a daddy’s girl anyway.” Acacia punched her in the shoulder, but at least she kept her eyes on the road. “That is so not the point.” “Quid pro quo,” Cassie said again, rubbing her arm where Acacia’s fist connected. She smirked. “Tit for tat.” Acacia hit her again. “Stop thinking about Parker’s mom’s boobs!” Cassie did, mostly.

She wanted to ask Erin what the hell she’d been thinking, wanted to know how they were supposed to spend two weeks together without Parker noticing anything. They’d barely made it through breakfast—and that had been before Erin dressed for the a cappella concert with the express plan to let Cassie touch her boobs. This was insane. Why would Erin have agreed to it? She could ask. Cassie had her number. She pressed Aaron in her contacts and held her breath as it rang.

Erin told no one. She’d gotten back from Virginia and Rachel had asked if she’d seen any hotties—that was a direct quote—and Erin had rolled her eyes rather than admitting anything. The entire reason Erin had let what happened at the a cappella concert happen was she thought she’d never see Cassie again. What happens at Family Weekend stays at Family Weekend, right? Except when it comes to stay in your house for winter break. More than that, really—what happened didn’t stay at Family Weekend because it came back to New Hampshire with Erin: she couldn’t stop thinking about Cassie.

Before Erin could see whether the flight was landing on time or not, her phone rang. Texting Asshole was calling. Two weeks ago, when Erin had received those late night texts about her boobs, she’d saved the number in case they tried anything again. “Hello?” she answered warily. “Why the hell are you flying me up there for winter break? How did you possibly agree to this?” Erin stayed silent. Cassie. “Well? Do you have some kind of explanation or not?” Cassie was demanding and indignant and just hearing her voice made Erin go warm all over. Not that she’d ever admit it. She had no idea how to handle this. She stalled for time. “Cassie?” “What?” Cassie was all snarl. “So this is your number.” Cassie huffed. “Obviously.” “Yes, well, I didn’t know that when I got an inappropriate text at one in the morning a few weeks ago.” The line was silent, and Erin gave herself a point on a scoreboard in her mind. “Whatever,” Cassie said eventually. “I was drunk. Were you? When your daughter suggested I come live with you for two weeks? That’s the only situation I can imagine where you would’ve thought saying yes was a good idea.” Erin had considered saying no. She’d wanted to say no. If there were any reason to say no besides I’ve been thinking of her fingers inside me for a month and a half, Erin would’ve done it. As it was, she’d told Parker that of course Cassie could come stay, grateful her daughter asked over the phone instead of video chat. Erin definitely wouldn’t have been able ...

“Oh, excuse me for not wanting Parker to know I fucked her mom.” “And you think she’ll know that if we sleep under the same roof? Are you so irresistible that I won’t be able to control myself around you, and I’ll give it away?” Erin put a cruel edge into her voice that she hated. “Honestly, Cassie, our past didn’t weigh heavily on my decision to give my daughter what she wants for Christmas. I haven’t exactly spent the last two months thinking about you.” Erin bit the knuckle of the hand not holding the phone and waited to see if she pulled it off.

Cassie sounded exactly as small as Erin meant to make her feel when she said, “Fuck you, Erin.” She hung up on her. Erin let out her breath. Fuck. She shook her arms out like that would get rid of the feeling of disgust that had settled over her. She had to do it. She had to. Cassie was going to be staying with her for two weeks regardless of how either of them felt about it; Erin needed to nip it in the bud. Ruin it before they even saw each other, or who knew what they’d do. Because Cassie was right. It was absurd that she was visiting. Erin honestly didn’t know how they were going to manage it. How was Parker not going to realize there was … whatever there was between them. History and attraction—magnetism. The kind that pulled Erin toward Cassie even when she didn’t want it to.

They hadn’t had a real conversation about the divorce. Erin had tried, when it was happening, but Parker had been too hurt, too emotional. Erin hadn’t tried again. She hadn’t explained that yes, she chose work over Parker’s father, but not for nothing. She chose a job that made her feel good over a man who didn’t. She chose her job the same way she chose Parker, back when she was twenty years old looking at a positive pregnancy test. She knew she wasn’t supposed to. She knew people would judge her for it. But she’d figured out what she wanted and she held tight to it.

The point—Erin took a long time to get to it, but it did exist—the point was she could not sleep with her daughter’s friend. Rachel’s advice aside—Erin could not sleep with Cassie again, and Parker could not find out it had ever happened in the first place. Erin was learning to hold on to things she cared about and Parker was what she cared about most. She couldn’t fuck that up.

In the car, Parker asked, “How was working Thanksgiving?” “Slow,” Erin said. She knew by now Parker didn’t want more information than that. She couldn’t have told Parker more even if she had pressed. Normally Erin spent down time during slow shifts working on the free clinic she was campaigning the hospital to open next fall, but on Thanksgiving the shift had been slow enough Erin spent most of it zoning out while she was supposed to be charting, staring into space and feeling guilty about being rude to Cassie. Cassie didn’t deserve her derision. It had been vindicating, actually, to hear Cassie was anxious about visiting. Erin had worried that this … thing was one-sided. That would’ve been worse: to have an unrequited crush on a college student. Though Erin wasn’t sure it counted as a crush, exactly. “Crush” felt like too innocent a word. Her thoughts were anything but.

“What would your mother do without me?” “Be more sober, probably,” Erin said, but she reveled in the bite of the whiskey. Rachel had always had a heavy pour. “Be less fun, exactly,” Rachel said. She hugged Erin next, while Parker flitted off to Caleb’s side. Any time Rachel razzed her for being a stick-in-the-mud, Erin considered telling her about Cassie. Not tonight, though. She didn’t want to know what Rachel would think of how Erin had shut things down. She definitely didn’t want to know how Rachel would’ve suggested dealing with Cassie being under Erin’s roof for two weeks.

As the other team kept shouting to figure out the rest of the words, Erin felt guilty. Well, dumb and guilty. The “Mustang Sally” lyrics made her think of Sally Ride, then of astronauts, then of Cassie. Like her brain was looking for any excuse. On Wednesday, for their entire conversation, Cassie had said things that vindicated Erin—she was thinking of her, too, this whole time. Erin said things designed to hurt Cassie. That it was the right decision, that she’d had no choice, didn’t make it any easier.

That very first night, Erin had almost stopped Cassie—not while anything was happening, but after, while Cassie walked away from the car. They were on her daughter’s college campus, and Erin almost yelled for Cassie to come back, to the car, to her hotel room, to her. She’d fallen asleep that night regretting she hadn’t gotten the woman’s number. For the rest of the weekend or the next time she visited or both. Cassie was a bad decision Erin wanted to make again and again.

She was too old for a lot of things, like being hung up on by someone she wasn’t allowed to have feelings for. Like being unable to get this woman out of her head. She was too old to not be an adult about the situation.

Erin didn’t feel like a bad parent for making Parker drive home; she did feel like a bad parent for thinking of Cassie on the drive. Erin had just been so mean. Cassie hadn’t deserved that. Erin had belittled her. She hadn’t needed to. There was a middle ground between being honest and being cruel that she had skipped right over. If she weren’t in a car with her daughter, she’d text Cassie. Explain herself. Or—not explain herself, because she couldn’t talk about honesty with Cassie, that was the point, but she’d make it better, somehow. It was probably a good thing Parker was driving her home. When she woke up the next morning still thinking of Cassie, Erin sent the text she’d been considering the night before. Erin [Today 7:03 AM] I shouldn’t have been so rude. Parker is really looking forward to you visiting, and I am happy to have you.

Three weeks later, when Parker and Cassie rounded the corner in the airport, Erin had five uninterrupted seconds before Parker caught sight of her. She used them on Cassie. Cassie, who was in gray joggers and a hooded Keckley sweatshirt. Cassie, whose hair was piled in a bun on top of her head, or not quite the top of her head—messy and loose, it teetered sideways with every step. Cassie, who made Erin’s heart thump hard against her sternum.

Cassie adjusted her backpack over her shoulder. She didn’t have a poker face to save her life, and Erin had no idea how they were supposed to do this. They had an awkward moment of should-we, shouldn’t-we before Erin made the decision and hugged Cassie. Maybe she shouldn’t have. Maybe it was weird to hug your kid’s friend who you’d only met once. Erin had known Parker’s other friends since they were little; Nashua was small enough that most of them had gone to the same middle school—small enough Erin had gone to middle school with some of their parents. Cassie hugged her back, though. Erin wished it were uncomfortable; it’d be better for it to be awkward than for Cassie’s body to meld itself against hers so easily.

Out of the corner of her eye, Erin saw Cassie slide her phone into the pocket of her sweatshirt, before both hands came up to take her hair out of the messy bun. Erin was staring by this point—she couldn’t help it. Cassie’s movement was like a rock skipping across a flat pond, breaking through the stillness. “No more pink?” Erin asked. Cassie looked at her, brows furrowing. “In your hair,” Erin clarified. “Oh,” Cassie said. “Nah. I’m too lazy to keep it up, and I’ve got grad school interviews in the spring.” “She’s gonna abandon us for California,” Parker said with a whine as she returned from the bathroom. “Is she?” Erin asked like it was possible she’d forgotten a single moment of their conversation at breakfast over Family Weekend. Cassie shrugged. “Assuming Caltech recognizes a good thing when they see it.” “Oh right. That’s where you’re going to learn to be an astronaut.” Cassie groaned and Parker giggled. It wasn’t weird, then, how Erin remembered Parker teasing Cassie about that. It wasn’t too friendly for Erin to join in the teasing—Parker certainly looked delighted. Cassie had settled, too, no longer fidgeting and grimacing like she was when they first said hello. Maybe the next two weeks wouldn’t be impossible after all.

“Unlike some people—sneaking around with a secret lover.” Erin blinked. What did that mean? “You never told us who you were talking to that night,” Parker continued. “Maybe you’re the one who’s embarrassed.” Erin didn’t know what Parker was talking about, but it didn’t seem good—the way Cassie’s eyes cut to Erin’s and away, as her throat worked to swallow her bite of pot roast. “We did tell you. My secret lover is Acacia. We’ve been hiding our love for years.” Parker leveled a look at Cassie. “I was with Acacia; you couldn’t have been talking to her. You were off by yourself drunk dialing someone else.” Erin looked at her plate. Maybe she did know what they were talking about. She’d never deleted the texts from that night. “Maybe I wasn’t dialing anyone,” Cassie said. She was studiously not looking at Erin. “Maybe Acacia and I were just sexting.” Erin’s fork clattered against her plate. “Shit. Sorry,” Cassie muttered. “The dinner table is probably not the best place to discuss sexting.” Parker snickered, and Erin cleared her throat. Cassie could talk about sexting all she wanted—it was that she was actually talking about sexting Erin. Sure, Parker didn’t know, but Erin did.

As Erin went to clear the table, Cassie put a hand on her arm. Erin froze. “What are you doing?” Cassie said. “You cooked. You don’t clean up.” A smile spread slowly across Erin’s face. She looked at Parker instead of at the way Cassie’s cheeks went pink.

Parker stuck her tongue out at Cassie, giggling halfway through it. Cassie laughed at her, and Erin’s heart did a little stutter step in her chest. This would all be easier if she didn’t like Cassie so much.

Cassie washed and Parker dried and Erin sat on a stool at the kitchen island, chatting away. Cassie was glad her back was to Erin. She couldn’t look at her. Not because of anything in particular so much as because of … everything. Because Erin had made her feel awful. Because Erin was gorgeous. Because Cassie wanted to kiss her or fight her or maybe both.