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April 28 - May 30, 2025
Time to Level Collapse: 17 Days. Time Until the Hunt Begins: 30 Hours.
Congrats, Crawler. You have received a Platinum Venison Box.
Remaining Crawlers: 85,223 Remaining Hunters: 360 Grace Period begins now. All hunters have been transferred to the city of Zockau. They will be released in 30 hours. Run.
AND MONGO IS SCARED.
I love how she always projects onto Mongo
Donut: I GOT THE WORLD’S GREATEST CLASS FOR THIS FLOOR.
There’s an answer to that question. You’re not allowed to hear it. But I’m glad you asked, because it’s an important lesson. Exploits can work both ways.
Carl: What did you get? Donut: I’LL TELL YOU BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO GET MAD. KATIA SAYS YOU’RE GOING TO BE MAD. Carl: Donut. What did you pick? Donut: I’M A BARD! ISN’T IT GREAT! IT’S NOT A NECROBARD LIKE THEY OFFERED ME BEFORE, BUT IT’S BETTER. I’M A LEGENDARY DIVA. THAT’S WHAT THE CLASS IS CALLED. LEGENDARY DIVA. I SING! Carl: You sing. Donut: I SING SONGS AND THEY CAST SPELLS. I GOT A BUNCH OF THEM. I’M PRACTICING ALREADY. MONGO LOVES THEM AND THE TREE GUY AT THE PUB SAID I CAN HAVE A GIG FOR THE LUNCH SHIFT TOMORROW. Katia: He said you could sing after the lunch shift. Donut: DON’T
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It comes with multiple spells and a new spell system, and if she practices enough, she’ll keep it.
Carl: She has to sing? Have you heard her sing yet? Mordecai: Everyone has heard her singing. Carl: Oh god.
In the spirit of fairness and as an incentive to gain more last-minute participants, we have given all hunters a bump of 20 levels, so they all start out at 50.
We will all have to work together to make sure your incompetence doesn’t continue.
or the dreaded anime club.
Bush Elves are the regular joes of the forest.
Tootsie. Night Weasel Scout. Level 25. This is a pet of Hunter Zabit.
Have you ever seen one of those videos of a bunch of dogs having a pool party? It’s usually a scene of pure chaos and joy as the golden retrievers and Labradors and other doggos run circles around the pool, jumping in and out and playing and splashing and having a great, hectic time. Now imagine your body is the pool, and the Night Weasels are the dogs in this scenario.
I’d describe what happens next, but this is a family show.
I bet they smush really well.
Mordecai glowered from the kitchen counter. He jumped sideways, sailing through the air and landing on the ground in front of his room. He tried to storm in, but he couldn’t reach the doorknob. He had to jump up and grab it. He dangled helplessly for a moment before the door opened on its own. He dropped to the floor, went inside, and slammed it.
There was a knock at the door. The door to the personal space. “What in god’s name?” Katia asked. “How… who is that?” “Ahh, yes,” I said, standing up and striding toward the door. “It’s a delivery.” “Of what?” Katia asked. “Collateral,” I answered.
“Okay, buddy. We gotta be quick. You are balls deep in the wrong hole, and mom is pulling into the driveway. You get me?”
“Yeah, that mudskipper admin guy was having a conniption. Those idiots actually want you to keep the artifact even though you fucked them over. I gotta tell you, pal. I’m moderately impressed.”
The moment anybody becomes a citizen, the Syndicate bends them over and fucks them. I can’t stop you from getting fucked. But I am the condom. You guys have condoms on your world? Of course you do. Everybody has condoms. Your ass is gonna hurt no matter what, but at least you won’t have tryptic genital mites after.”
To screw you over, I just need to do nothing. So if I’m doing the bare minimum, that should be a sign to you that King Rust hasn’t been whispering sweet into my ears. Yet.
The day I take a bribe from some pig-faced imperialist fuck is the day I wither.”
There are a lot of moving parts of the Syndicate government, and there is a bureaucrat and or a committee for each and every one of those parts. And each one of those suits and committees is beholden to rules and laws and regulations that can date back tens of thousands of cycles. And all these moving parts and interlocking teeth are all grinding their way forward through time, trying to gain some sort of upward momentum. It’s a perpetual motion machine that will only stop once the universe implodes in on itself. And how is that machine greased? The universe’s four lubricants. Blood, tears,
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It’s Remex the Grand all over again.
“We have them on floors six, seven, and eight. That’s it. If they die, they will regenerate, but not until the next floor.
“I got a few boxes, including a Platinum Asshole’s Box. It gave me a gambling chip for the Desperado Club and an upgrade to my Find Crawler skill. Also…” She trailed off, as if she was about to say something but changed her mind.
Zerzura?” My hand found my necklace. I fingered the small charm with the yellow gem. It was warm to the touch. I thought of the crazy story Quasar told me about Remex the Grand and what he’d done with the Zerzura spell. It was glorious, Quasar had said. Shame how it ended for Remex. They made us study the exit deal he made in school. But the mudskippers cleaned up that season. It was a real windfall. You ask for this spell, and they’ll fall over themselves to give it to you. And you want to know the beautiful part? All those other pricks won’t interfere. Everyone will want you to pull it off.
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Katia held my eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid.” “I won’t,” I lied.
Because Donut sounded like a helium-drunk cat being crushed by a steamroller when she attempted to sing, that was why. And even though she wasn’t that bad of a dancer, when it came to making a song emerge from that tone-deaf gullet of hers, her rhythm was that of a drunk, three-legged donkey trying to negotiate its way down a set of ice-covered stairs.
“What if something happens to Katia, and we can’t protect her?” Donut asked after they left. “Mongo would never forgive me if something happened to her.”
The first was that I could now virtually “copy” a design or an existing explosive and bring it over to the studio where I could place it and set it off. There were no actual explosions involved inside the studio. Everything in the testing area was virtual, like it was a game. I could create a miniature, virtual person or group of people or even a whole village, place the bomb, set it off, and see what would happen. I could pause the explosion and see what way it would blow based on its position. I could use the information to go back and tweak the design or the method of delivery and fine-tune
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I stood at the new bench now, shaking. I, for the very first time since I’d grabbed the thing, took out the Carl’s Doomsday Scenario bomb and placed it onto the table.
I pulled a stick of hobgoblin dynamite and started to carefully slice it into twenty different pieces.
So any plan we have needs to be kept as much of a secret as we can make it. By the way, do me a favor really quick. Can you put Mongo away?” “We’ll need a plan first before we can keep it a secret,” Donut said. “Mongo, come on. Into the cage. No, put that down. I think that’s mushroom poop. Come on, do what Mommy says. Good boy! Good boy Mongo!” She returned her gaze to me. “But it’s nice not to have to be all top secret for a day or two. It’ll give me time to practice my singing. Why did I just put Mongo away?” “Don’t practice your singing in town,” I said, putting my hand up on Donut to
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Carl: Donut, if this goes south, just jump down the stairs. We’ll regroup on the seventh floor. Donut: IT’S ALREADY GOING SOUTH, CARL. WE DON’T ATTACK THE MAIN BAD GUYS IN THE VERY BEGINNING. THAT’S NOT HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK.
I took a step toward the row of bars. WARNING. DEAD MAN WALKING!
Target: Crawlers. That’s you.
Multiple cherries floated in the red drink.
Dirty shirley
Donut: CARL, CARL, I THINK HE’S DRINKING A DIRTY SHIRLEY! Carl: I wouldn’t be surprised. I think you might’ve made the drink famous.
leaned in. “Wanna hear a secret?” “What?” Chin’Dua asked, whispering. His eyes fluttered. Donut: CARL, HURRY UP. YOU’RE TAKING TOO LONG. “I’m using you as bait. That’s how you’re going to die. As bait.”
“That was Vrah’s little sister.”
One of the other doorways opened, and we passed by a wide-eyed dark elf hunter coming out of his own personal space. “Boo,” Donut yelled at him, and he stumbled backward.
The entire façade of the Desperado had collapsed. The entrance bar was gone. Those that were in the real club were now trapped, and they would remain trapped. None of the others would be able to get in, at least via Zockau.
“Kickstart My Heart!”
I can’t tell the orange pet dots apart, I thought. Crawler or hunter. That’s a bug.
I remembered the day I found my mother in the basement. I thought I was going to get a bike that day, and I never did. This is my birthday present to you.
Donut sat on my chest, looking down at me worriedly.
“What happened?” I groaned. “Did we get any of them?” “You almost died, Carl,” Donut said. “And you would’ve deserved it, too. What in god’s name was that anyway? From now on, I’m not participating in a Carl plan unless I know what I’m getting myself into. Mongo is quite upset with you.”
