The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

Trail A favorite of game hunters and medical debt collectors chasing after deadbeats,

Bianca

This is why you tell me the plan first, so I can point out why it’s stupid.”

“I wanted to block off the entrance to the Desperado and see if I could identify the mayor and maybe kill him. Or her. The mayor was Vrah, a woman. She’s a race called a mantis. If I killed her, I’d become the mayor and then I was going to order the city guards to kill all the hunters.”

Pony’s

I don’t know if she can turn into a bat or if sunlight hurts her. Or if she’s allergic to garlic. I hope not. She’s Italian, so that’d probably be extra terrible if she couldn’t use garlic anymore.”

“Mordecai said it’s addictive. I don’t like that. I’ve already broken you from your tobacco and chronic masturbation addiction. I can’t have you gaining a new one, Carl.”

Somebody once said, “All Dogs Go to Heaven.” Whoever said that obviously never met Susan, the Pembroke Welsh Corgi gifted to future Queen Elizabeth II by her father upon her 18th birthday.

A hellspawn familiar occurs when a regular, asshole pet is encased in a soul protection spell, yet dies anyway. The soul becomes hellbound and tainted and then shoved back into the resurrected body of the pet, rebirthing the creature.

“They make her sound mean, but she’s really sweet,” Donut said. “Miriam says when she was a regular goat, she liked being pet on the butt. She loved eating grapes.” “Yes, I’m sure the demon pet is delightful,” I said.

Reward: Your reward is advice. Fatherly advice. Don’t be a little bitch. There’s your reward.

New Achievement! You Crossed a Line You Didn’t Even Know Was There. You used an artifact of Divine Suffering for the first time. Hopefully there aren’t any unintended and unadvertised side effects of using such a powerful and evil magical item. Don’t mind that tingle at the back of your mind. It’s probably nothing. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Junkie’s box.

New Achievement! The Hand that Claws the Master (x35) You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in.

or a member of Odette’s staff,

“Traps, huh?” I asked. “What kind? I can probably take care of them.” “You can’t even take care of your own basic hygiene, Carl.

cavalcade

“That was an attack! Negligence most serious! Bianca, prepare yourself for battle!” Just in front of me, the skin on Bianca rustled, black flames starting to rise off the creature’s body. “Pony,” Miriam said. “We are not fighting Carl.” “I have been insulted! This will not stand! Mother. Princess Donut. Both of you, stand back while I defend my honor!” “Suck my dick, Pony,” I said, standing up and facing the goat. Prepotente burst into tears. He jumped into the cart and wrapped his hands around Miriam, who took him into a tight hug. “Now Carl, that wasn’t very nice,” Miriam said, her voice gentle yet scolding. “We did save your life.” Donut: CARL, I’M STARTING TO THINK THESE PEOPLE MIGHT BE A LITTLE WEIRD. “He insulted me first!” I said. I regretted saying it the moment it came out of my mouth. It sounded whiny even to my own ears. I suddenly felt like I was back in grade school, and we were being admonished by a teacher. “Pony shouldn’t have done that, either. Now both of you apologize to each other.”

“I’m not going to do it,” Prepotente said, his face buried in Miriam’s robes. “He was mean to me, mother. He’s awful. Just awful. He’s worse than those buffoons at Club Vanquisher.” “Pony,” Miriam said, stroking the goat’s head. “We discussed this. You mustn’t insult everyone.” “He called me by my special name. Only you can call me by my special name.” I exchanged a look with Donut. We needed to get the hell away from these nut jobs.

“I’m sorry, Carl,” Prepotente said. “I shouldn’t have called you malodorous. Nor should I have questioned your ability to inexpertly set off every trap in the area.” “Yeah, uh, no worries. Sorry about telling you to suck my dick.” Miriam beamed. When she did, I could see the twin fangs, and suddenly that motherly feeling she gave off vanished and was replaced by an uneasy revulsion. “See, now that wasn’t so hard. Now both of you hug.” “Uh,” I said. Prepotente removed himself from Miriam and approached me, arms wide. Tears glistened in his goat eyes. “Yes, Carl,” Donut said. “Be a good boy and hug Prepotente.” Donut: YOU BETTER DO IT OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE A BIG JERK. I gritted my teeth and hugged the goat. His weird, fuzzy arms wrapped tightly around me. He smelled like a barn. He screamed. Right in my goddamned ear.

Especially since he looks like a bootleg Monchhichi with a bad haircut and a questionable pedigree.”

“Mordecai, darling,” Donut said, strolling through the room and toward the litter box. “We all know what you’re going to say. And while I myself have voiced my frustration with Carl’s seeming disregard for his and my own personal safety, I just want to get this conversation out of the way right here and right now. Yes, what Carl did was idiotic and suicidal. No, I am not going to abandon him. Yes, he’s going to tell me the plan ahead of time from now on. No, we are not going to have some long, drawn-out storyline where we break up and then get back together. We’re already doing that with Katia right now, and I just will not have it with me and Carl. So you’re just going to have to get over it and not be all, ‘You don’t know what you’re dealing with.’”

“Carl, you keep getting disgusting tattoos. You might as well grow a beard and knock over a liquor store now. That’s your third tattoo in a week. You’re going to scare Mongo.”

but it was only a 2% chance, and in my experience, anything below 10% actually translated to, “whenever the dungeon thinks it would be beneficial to the narrative.”

Hunting Trophy. It’s the hand of a hunter. Gross. You own 34 of these items. You ever go to one of those arcade pizza joints as a child? You’re usually there because it’s some other kid’s birthday, or worse, because your parent hates raising you so much they’d do anything just to keep you distracted for ten minutes in exchange for a pitcher of watered-down beer. The whole place is chaos. There’s flashing lights, blaring music, a colorful carpet that hides the vomit stains. Not to mention the norovirus-infested ball pit, the rickety merry-go-round, the workers with dead eyes, and the pizza that tastes like it was cooked in a Soviet-era microwave? All the while an animatronic rodent holds court on stage, blinking and rotating and telling you that he is now your god.

and a filicide-inducing whistle.

The prize counter where it may be exchanged will be open at the Butcher’s Masquerade during the party that will occur near the end of this floor.

“A prize counter? A masquerade? Well, this changes everything,” Donut said. “Carl, I only have one hand. We need to go get more!”

“So, Louis,” Donut said, sidling up to the large man. “I understand congratulations are in order. Tell me. When are the nuptials? I’m assuming it won’t happen until we all reach the ninth floor. Since Carl has recently found religion, he’ll probably be able to officiate the wedding. Don’t worry, I’ll make him get pants for the ceremony. And we’ll cover-up his prison tattoos. Wait, do you think I could be maid of honor? Oh, oh. And Mongo could be ring bearer!” Mongo looked up from Britney’s lap and squawked. Donut suddenly gasped. “I could sing. I’m a professional musician now. I’d have to charge you of course, but wouldn’t that be amazing? Think of the ratings!” Louis’s cheeks burned red. “Juice Box told you, huh?” “She didn’t have to tell us. Love makes a person just glow,” Donut said. “I must say, I am not surprised you’re the first of our group to find true love. We all knew it wasn’t going to be Carl. And I’m already in a long-distance relationship with Ferdinand.”

They started with me, showing my Agent Provocateur stats. From the wall, Britney grunted with amusement when they showed it, but I didn’t know why.

“Interesting,” Mordecai said. “I hadn’t realized she was going for a four seasons build.” “Four seasons?” I asked. He shook his head. “It’s never been completed before. Plenty have made it to three, but never four. It requires you to survive to the twelfth floor to complete. It’ll be tough for her because it means she has to strictly control how she distributes her stats. Her race is a frost maiden fairy, which makes it even more difficult. It’s complicated stuff. But she’ll be quite powerful if she hits the ninth floor and levels enough to have the stats for a triple class.”

We watched a one-armed, pale, and sick-looking Quan Ch switch from Imperial Security Trooper to Sergeant-at-Arms. “Well, that’s a lie, now isn’t it? It should just be Sergeant-at-Arm, not arms,” Donut quipped. “The next time we see him, I hope you rip his other arm off, Carl. Then he’ll just be a Sergeant.”

9. Eva Sigrid – Half Nagini, Half-Orc – Nimblefoot Enforcer – Level 40 – 100,000 (x2)

“Don’t worry about that,” Katia said. Her voice was uncharacteristically cold. “She won’t be on there for much longer.” I caught Mordecai’s eye, and he looked worried. I felt it, too. It wasn’t just what had happened at the end of the last floor. It wasn’t just her being mad at us for raiding Zockau. There was something else going on there with her. Something had changed. I opened my mouth to ask, but then I shut it. I didn’t know what to say.

A crawler must purchase a guild charter from a Bopca. These start at 500,000 gold. The basic membership will allow up to five separate parties or individuals to join together to form a guild. That number can increase as the guild levels up.

All you need to know now is there will be music, dancing, a costume contest, a pet beauty contest, a talent show, and prizes available to all who attend!

Donut gasped and started hopping up and down. “A pet beauty contest? A pet beauty contest? Oh my god, oh my god. Mongo!” Mongo looked up from Britney’s lap. “You’re going to follow in mommy’s pawsteps!” Mongo leaped to his feet and started to also hop up and down, feeding off Donut’s excitement.

I could hear it again, that river in my mind. Rushing, tumbling, crashing, getting faster and louder by the moment. It was starting to hurt. Just a little. That was okay. I’d rest later.

“The ninth floor is the biggest one, though most of the action takes place in one small area.”

Donut: BOMO IS OUR FRIEND. WE DON’T BLOW UP OUR FRIENDS, CARL.

It was by far the largest bomb I had constructed myself. At least intentionally.

I was hoping to expand their video game horizons, but their hands were too big. I was going to make them cretin-sized controllers when I got a chance.

Bugbears are on the same evolutionary tree as goblins and hobgoblins, which is to say they’re ugly and mean and are rumored to have sexual relations with toads.

Your god, Emberus, has made an appearance in this realm.

No sexual activity outside the sanctity of marriage.

And absolutely, positively no dinosaurs of any kind. No exceptions. “What?” Donut exclaimed. “This is an outrage! They specifically called out Mongo! He’s just an innocent, little child. And no dancing? No singing? All of these rules are just ridiculous. Well, except maybe the bugbear one. But all the others are just awful. I will not have it. You there,” she called out to one of the guards. “Get me the person in charge immediately!” “Donut,” I began, “we don’t have time. Just stick Mongo in his carrier and…” To my utter astonishment, the mushroom guard grunted and turned, waddling away while Donut sat there, still astride Mongo. She made a little harumph noise.

Well, except maybe after the Gingers from the seventh floor.

Every time a new description popped up now, I copied the text and then pasted it into the scratchpad. As Elmer the mayor bear approached us angrily, I noticed something odd. That weird line in the middle of the description, the one about the other AIs, wasn’t there after I pasted the text. I retyped it from memory while it was still fresh in my mind.

I could actually step outside if I wanted. Now that was interesting.

Carl. Do not bother trying to kill anybody else within town with one of your silly explosives. All of the hunters are now protected from further explosions. You would only be killing your precious NPCs. I have ordered the town guards to all worship Emberus. I am going to assume you know what that means. I hope you’re not stupid enough to try it. As entertaining as it would be for you to get smote by your own god, I much prefer for you to remain alive. The Hive is hunting you, and there will be nowhere for you to hide. We are coming. I am coming. Your death will not be quick. I will crack you open and drink your innards slowly, one organ at a time as every nerve in your soft body crackles with endless pain. The universe will watch as you suffer and beg for a death that will not come until the very end. And then I will take your head home with me and place it upon my sister’s grave so she may feast upon you in the afterlife. Vrah.

System Message. Attention. Attention. The gates are down. The hunters are loose. Run, Run, Run.