The Butcher's Masquerade (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #5)

by Matt Dinniman

“This is just not acceptable, Carl. I like my butterfly charm. It makes it so fairies like me, and it is pretty. It’s part of my fit. I don’t want to take it off. I don’t see why I just can’t wear two charms at the same time. Stupid Angel the cocker spaniel had like four or five tags on her collar. She jingled like a bunch of rusty cowbells being dumped down the stairs wherever she walked.”

“It’s ugly. And the gem is turquoise. Turquoise! Do I look like an elderly woman with smoke-stained teeth sitting in a bingo hall?”

It was really cool. Too bad you didn’t get to see it because you’re a trap-leaving bitch!

“Hey,” I said, waving the fat hand. “If any of JayGee’s family or friends are watching this, you can go fuck yourselves. And maybe next time if someone you know wants to go hunting innocent people for fun, you can tell them about how your idiot friend or son or dad once tried it and ended up dying on the first day.” “You shouldn’t do that,” Mordecai said after a moment. “People out there have long memories.” “Good,” I said. “I don’t want them to ever forget.”

And now that we’re being led by a pagan monkey with a pet dinosaur, we are not protected by the gods. We have been safe only because we do not sin.

“Now, Miss Nance. Where were we? Oh, yes. They have fuzzy ears that look like wet, dollar-store slippers. And they drool all over the place and are famously incontinent. If you see one…”

This particular pack is comprised of only females. In fact, it appears all the dinosaurs in the area are female. That’s pretty odd. Almost interesting. And here’s an even more interesting, seemingly random, but probably important fact. Dinosaur-class monsters didn’t exist in the area before Scolopendra’s nine-tier attack. Yet here they are. Where did they come from? If you weren’t about to die screaming, it would be something you might want to look into.

Warning: This is a lizard-class mob. It will inflict 20% more damage against you thanks to your Extinction Sigil. And yes, I know dinosaurs aren’t really lizards if we’re being super technical. Get over it.

But just as my paralysis ended, I paused. I felt my chin drop. Holy shit. “Carl, Carl, what are they doing? What are they doing?” Mongo and Kiwi were not fighting. They were doing the opposite of fighting. “Uh,” I said, finally able to take a step back. My leg felt like it was asleep, but it let me move. I looked warily at the map. All of the other red dots had moved back, but not too far. “I think we need to give them some privacy.” “Carl, do something!” Donut exclaimed. “You! Dinosaur! Get off my baby!” Kiwi was face down, backside up, tail to the side with Mongo mounted behind her. Mongo made a throaty gurgling noise as he slammed into her over and over. “Oh, she’s getting him off all right,” I said. “That’s not funny, Carl. He’s too young! We haven’t even had the talk yet! She’s taking advantage of him! Mongo! Mongo!” “Donut, we gotta get out of here. She’s going to attack us as soon as they’re done. Mongo will be okay.” “Haven’t you ever watched Animal Planet, Carl? She’s going to eat his head! Mongo! Stop that this instant! Stop it now!” Mongo lifted his head into the air and howled joyfully as he continued to jackhammer into Kiwi like a drunken sailor on his first liberty at a foreign brothel. He lifted his wings and started flapping them up and down like he did when he was a little baby. His tail swished back and forth. “This is all your fault, Carl. Mongo! Come back! Come back to mommy!” She moved as if to jump toward them, and I grabbed onto her. “How is this my ...

I felt a chill. “You have to pretend like you don’t know what?” I asked. “What does that mean?” “I… I can’t.” She took a breath. “Everybody always leaves me. And I don’t know why. Am I really that awful?”

But you’ll be fine, because you’re both really strong and brave. Especially you, Donut.

That feeling, that ceaseless river within my mind, roared. The water is running. Something within me broke. A decision was made. I thought of my mother, holding my hand as we stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon. I thought of my father in the car, behind us, waiting. A tidal wave of potential energy. This was the same. This was the same exact moment. I didn’t know how I knew that, but it was. You can do that, I thought. You can recognize these moments when they appear.

I took both of my hands, and I cupped Donut’s face. “You know how worried you are about Mongo?” “Yes.” “That’s how I feel about you.” Donut blinked. “Really? Do you really mean that?” Her voice was so full of genuine longing that it hurt my heart. “I know I haven’t said this to you directly before, and I’m sorry that I haven’t. But I will not leave you behind on the ninth or any other floor. I promise you. Okay? We are a team, and nothing is going to break us up. No matter what.” “No matter what?” “No matter what.” We held that way for several moments. Donut trembled, and I realized I was trembling, too. Anybody watching this from the outside wouldn’t understand what had just happened. That was okay. Some things weren’t meant for others to understand.

“Donut, did you just get some weird, random achievement?” “No. It’s probably because you spread your tootsies funny on the moss or something.”

That was the same level she’d been before. Apparently elites didn’t progress. Level 60 was still higher than my 54, but she no longer seemed so terrifying, so overwhelmingly powerful.

There are no Chee left in this realm. There are survivors of that night, when the High-Elves invaded their land. But there are no Chee.

“What would you like to do with him?” Signet asked. “Heal him,” I said. Signet nodded thoughtfully. “You’ve grown in strength, Carl. But you’re still soft.” “No,” I said. I pulled the ring from my inventory and slipped it onto my finger. “Not anymore.”

“Signet darling, I will sell you my first born grandchild if you tell me the name of the spell that you’re using to keep yourself dry,” Donut said from my shoulder.

Donut: CARL, THAT CREATURE LOOKS LIKE A YELLOW TOILET BRUSH. SHE’S GOING TO SCARE MONGO.

They’re super fuzzy and kinda cute as long as you don’t look too hard at their faces. Have you ever seen a super closeup of a bug’s face? Seriously, what the fuck?

“My father exiled me, too,” Donut said. “He later got his tail caught in a car door which resulted in him being disqualified from future showings. Serves him right.” Signet nodded. “If you help me complete my task, I will assist in helping you reclaim your own crown if you wish.” “Oh, I already reclaimed my crown from him,” Donut said. She swished her wet tail against my neck. “I conquered Cleveland and secured the GC title. Something he could only dream of.” “Good for you,” Signet said.

1. Funny but 2. No lets get her help on lvl 9!

“Who is that other guy then? The strongman who was just here? Wasn’t he a part of the circus?” “Yes,” Signet said, “but he was here in the hunting grounds when the attack occurred. Only his brother Apollon was in the Over City. Apollon is gone, but Areson lives. They have another brother, Herman the Fleet, who was in Larracos. We don’t yet know his fate.” I exchanged a look with Donut.

Donut: ZEV, HOW ARE THE RATINGS ON THIS SHOW ANYWAY? Zev: They’re… okay. Donut: I KNEW IT!

Or that you’re going to take the show over because you both have big personalities. Donut: WELL, OF COURSE WE’RE GOING TO TAKE IT OVER. HAVING MYSELF AND CARL ON THE PROGRAM IS THE EQUIVALENT OF HAVING AUDREY HEPBURN AND, I DON’T KNOW, MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE SUDDENLY SHOW UP AS GUEST STARS ON A PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION SHOW.

“I do want them alive, but I want them dead more,” I said.

Arrow of Enthusiastic Double Gonorrhea. This is a regular arrow, but the tip is dipped in a poison that will inflict you with Enthusiastic Double Gonorrhea. Trust me on this. You don’t want Enthusiastic Double Gonorrhea. It doesn’t kill you, but you’ll want it to. It sets your genitals aflame. Literally. And then it heals that area of your body over and over. The only way to remove the disease is to, uh, geld yourself. Or pass it on to someone else.

I focused on one area in the southeast, near the elf castle. Skull Empire. My heart quickened. The orcs had sent hunters here. Excellent.

The Dream only had one person on their list. The very last name. This dead hunter had circled it a bunch of times, pressing so hard the pencil broke through the paper, and then at the bottom of the map, he’d drawn a pretty impressive likeness of their target with a big X over his goofy, smiling face. Louis. I sighed, remembering that moment when Louis had snatched the photograph of Epitome Noflex from my hands and then demanded that Juice Box transform into her likeness so he could bang her.

When I examined the tree, I could see a very slight glow of enchantment, but all the description said was: This tree is old as shit.

Regarding our other problem. One hundred fifty million credits. That’s… Yeah, I don’t know how you’re gonna pull that off, cowboy. That’s enough money to buy your own planet.

Reward: You get to move on to part two. In addition, every survivor of the assault against the Confederacy will be 20% more willing to follow your orders. I bet that number will go up even more if you complete the second half of this quest.

“So, Holger,” Donut asked as we marched. She rode upon the back of Mongo. The rest of us walked. “Tell me about your hairstyle. What is it called again, Carl?” “A mullet,” I said. “Yes, that’s right. Business in the front, party in the back. Tell me, is it a cultural thing? Where I’m from, it’s a cultural thing. It means you’re from a people who like to say ‘Yeehaw’ a lot and listen to music about trucks and cheating girlfriends and you eat things like corndogs and fried butter. And you like to blow things up.” She looked at me. “Carl, maybe you should grow one.”

“How did you two first become associated with her anyway?” Donut asked. “We met her when she was trying to invade a circus, and she gave Carl an erection so bad, he had to break his finger to make it go away. How about you?”

“What about the high elves?” I asked. “How did they do during Scolopendra’s attack?” Clint grunted. “Ain’t your mum ever tell you the story? Read you the poem? The high elves cowered, deep in their castle, protected by what they took. The elves came out of it smelling like water lilies. The bush elves were devastated, but the high elves had some magic that protected them. Something they’d stolen. Some say the bastards knew it was coming. Some say the whole thing was their fault in the first place. I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“I’m not insulting you, Carl. It’s called constructive criticism. It’s different.”

I was about to respond when the notification came. Both Donut and I stopped dead on the bridge. Admin Notice. Congratulations, Crawler. You have received your third and final sponsor! Viewers watching your feed will now see advertisements produced by all three of your sponsors. Sponsor’s Name: The Apothecary. Additional details available in the Sponsorship Tab of your interface. “Carl, Carl, I got another sponsor!” Donut said. “Someone named the Apothecary!” “Yeah, that’s who I got, too,” I said. “They must’ve spent a lot of money to get both of us.” “Hey,” Donut said after a moment. “They sponsored Prepotente and Miriam Dom and Lucia Mar and Katia and both of those two-headed guys, too! And Elle and Imani too!” “Interesting,” I said, trying to parse the information. I had a pretty good idea who this was. I’d only seen the term “The Apothecary” once before. It’d been during a mob description back on the fourth floor. Krakaren. The real Krakaren, not the weird caricature version they had in the dungeon. But the collective mind that was slowly making her way across the universe. I had no idea what she really looked like, but I doubted she was an octopus thing. It was rumored she was involved with the company that ran the tunneling system, which was owned and operated by the Plenty, who were goat people. If this Apothecary collective was the Plenty’s silent partner, it meant they likely had a bottomless reserve of money. The fact they’d gone through and sponsored most of the ...

Donut: I DON’T LIKE SHARING A SPONSOR WITH ALL THE OTHER TOP 10’S! IT’S NOT FAIR! THEY’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GIVE US ALL PRIZES. Carl: Maybe. Maybe not. You never know what’s going to happen. I never thought I’d get anything from that “pacifist” group, and they sent me some great stuff. Donut: YOUR LAST SPONSOR GAVE YOU A VEGETABLE.

It’s quite embarrassing, really. Have you noticed how annoying she is in the chat with the way she talks?”

“Okay, okay. Cool,” she said. “I can do that. You should take me out of here more often. I’m pretty sure my bitch of a mother won’t attack anymore when you do. I’ll fuck up anything you want me to fight. You take me to Signet, and I’ll be your ride or die bitch to the end.” I patted her on the head, and she growled at me and tried to bite my finger.

“Don’t move,” the other one said, running the scanner over me. “Are you holding any explosives?” “If I was, you’d know by now,” I said.

The second gnoll appeared to scratch Donut under the chin and then he, too, disappeared above. “Did you just let that dog guy scratch your chin?” I asked. Before Donut could answer, we teleported away again.

“Oh, Carl,” Odette said. “You should know by now that’s not how this works. Laws and rules and regulations don’t apply when this much money is involved.”

“Please,” Donut said, her voice turning to a sob. “Please, someone answer me. Goddamnit. Carl, make them answer me.”

“If this ends up being some sort of trick or bullshit beyond what you say, I swear to god I will kill you myself,” I said to Odette. “I don’t care how long it takes, but I will get to you.”

Donut sat next to me, completely rigid. Her tail curled forward around her body, like she was giving herself a hug.

“Princess?” she asked, examining Donut. “Is that you? What are you wearing?” She moved to pet the cat, and her hand, again, passed through. Donut licked her paw, pretending. She hadn’t looked up once since Bea entered. But I could feel her next to me, trembling.

Donut paused her licking and said, “Honey, this is where you speak.” I tried to hide the smile creeping across my face. I couldn’t.

“Princess, is there anything you’d like to say to your former owner?” “Have a good life,” Donut said. “Oh, also, if you ever get another cat, make sure you only purchase the wet food for her. And don’t conspire to sell her once she gets a little older. Don’t pretend to love her when you don’t. Don’t make her feel special when you don’t really feel that way about her. That is all.” She returned to her paw licking. I continued to stroke the cat’s back. “Hmm,” Odette said. “And you, Carl?” “Got nothing,” I said. “Carl,” Bea began. “Carl, are you going to be able to come to me?” “Nope,” I said. I turned to Odette. “Are we done?”

At least we scooped that naga asshole.

“I’m proud of you, Donut,” I said. “You were very mature. You did it.” “Odette, Darling,” Donut asked. “We’re not on air anymore, correct?” “That’s right,” Odette said. “We’re done.” Donut suddenly let out a hiss and jumped to my shoulder. “You vile, disgusting bitch,” she spat at Bea, who pulled back in surprise. “Wh… what?” Bea asked. “You danced with me. You sang to me. You made me feel loved. I didn’t do anything wrong, and you were going to give me away.” “What?” Bea asked again. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing. You were the only person I ever knew. I was born, and you were there. You and Carl. I loved you, and you were my world. My whole world. I know you had a bunch of cats growing up, and maybe I was just nothing to you other than a way to win more ribbons than your mother, but you were the only human I ever knew, and to me, you were everything. And I was so stupid, because I thought since I loved you, that meant you loved me.” Odette muttered something under her breath. “And you were just awful to Carl. And even though he’s big and dumb, he didn’t deserve that. He’s not perfect, and I know he snores and has all these disgusting habits and smelly friends, but what you did to him is not okay. I know I make fun of him sometimes. I can’t help it. I’m a cat. That’s what I do. Plus, I mean, let’s be honest here. He walks right into it most of the time. But you actually betrayed him. We don’t do that to people we love. And you know what, Miss Beatrice? You don’t des...