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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Eric Barker
Read between
May 21 - August 8, 2022
Start slow and build. Stretch the bounds of the sensitive things you’re willing to admit about yourself, and, by the same token, ask more sensitive questions than you’re normally comfortable asking.
As long as you feel emotionally safe and you’re getting a positive reception, share more. That’s how you build “another self.”
not being vulnerable kills friendships.
Now you only have to ask one question: “Are they a friend?” And if they are, you help.
there may be a way to bring out the good in “bad” people.
The data show, on average, for every ten friends you gain, you’ll also get a new enemy.
Fowler found that the jerks in your life have their own jerks, and you’d find their jerks to be pretty jerky as well.
frenemies (the formal designation is “ambivalent relationships”) increase anxiety and drive your blood pressure through the roof—even more than true enemies do.
frenemies more stressful than enemies? It’s the unpredictability.
number of frenemies correlated with depression and heart disease over time.
ambivalent friends make up half our relationships.
“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
we enjoy our dreams—but narcissists are addicted to their dreams.
For narcissists, “getting ahead is more important than getting along.”
So what’s the best way to deal with a narcissist? The answer is simple: don’t.
they even manipulate the professionals who try to treat them.
Emphasizing similarity actually has a bigger effect on narcissists than non-narcissists.
“This manipulation would also capitalize on narcissists’ weakness—self-love.
You have to be careful here because weakness can make a predator pounce.
Two critical points while executing this: voice the importance of the relationship to you and reveal your feelings.
“That hurt my feelings. Is that what you intended?” If they can be saved, they’ll backpedal.
Researchers analogized it to alcohol: if you’re not a regular drinker, booze has a bigger effect. And your narcissist isn’t accustomed to empathy, so when it hits, it can hit a lot harder.
It helps to remember they’re suffering.
The final option is the two Bs: boundaries and bargaining.
Basically, you need to aim for the opposite of “another self”—a totally transactional relationship.
Be firm and consistent but not mean.
Focus on win-win. Narcissists will often play ball if you have something they want.
Make sure they pay in advance and always pric...
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Judge actions, not in...
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they’re angling for something dishonest is to ask, “What ...
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They may not feel guilt, but they d...
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and narcissists are very concerned abou...
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Few can sustain their illusions at the same level forever.
After Hustler posted photos of interracial sex, Flynt was shot by a white supremacist and confined to a wheelchair.
The People vs. Larry Flynt, Flynt tells his attorney: “I’m a lawyer’s dream client. I’m rich, I’m fun, and I’m always in trouble.”
Empathy is when the line between you and another blurs.
Closeness is when your vision of your “self” makes room for someone else to be in there too.
And a true friend is “another self.” ...
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Friendship may be defined by mutual aid, but it’s not transactional.
“A friend when you’re in need is definitely a friend.” “A friend when you’re in need will show it with their actions.” “A friend who is in need is definitely going to act like your friend.” “A friend who is in need is a friend in action.”
So everyone’s agreed that you’re the one in need.
where life was harder, people were more likely to put themselves at risk to protect their pal.
Hug a friend today. We don’t celebrate our friendships enough.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
But that’s committing an error called “survivor bias.”
Simply put: marriage doesn’t make you healthy and happy; a good marriage makes you healthy and happy.
(Today’s married men enjoy an average seven-year boost in life expectancy.)
most stressful life events people deal with. Divorce came in at #2. (Death of a spouse was number one.) Divorce even beat going to prison.
it’s more like gambling: big wins or big losses.
the 1960s, a third of men and three-quarters of women didn’t think love was essential before getting married.
