Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Do you know exactly what you want? You better. Marriage is no longer defined by church, government, family, or society. It’s a DIY

“For the first time in history, the typical American now spends more years single than married.”

“Relative to marriages in earlier eras, marriages today require much greater dedication and nurturance,

Passion derives from the Latin word meaning “to suffer.”

modern science basically agrees that love is a mental illness.

newly in love spend up to 85 percent of their waking hours thinking about that special someone.

In the short term, not trusting seems like the smart defensive move.

you can trust me because I’m nuts.

Why pay a lot of good money for flowers or stones that have little practical use and no long-term value? Because it signals you are crazy. The irrationality of love is, ironically, exceedingly rational.

As we all know, people in love idealize their partners.

“Love is a human religion in which another person is believed in.”

But guess what? You better be crazy. That idealization isn’t just sweet: it also predicts the future better than a crystal ball.

If you’re about to walk down the aisle, you better be feeling the crazy.

The age of Enlightenment was all rules; the Romantic era hated rules and was all emotions. And

In our relationships we all struggle with the issue of passion versus logic, especially in the area of communication.

But why doesn’t it work? Most couples wait too long to go.

six-year delay between the first cracks in a marriage and actually getting help.

negative sentiment override. NSO is a polyp in the colon of love.

Idealization hasn’t faded—it has flipped.

The facts haven’t necessarily changed, just your interpretation of them.

Famed psychologist Albert Ellis calls it “devilizing.” It’s a flip from dealing with someone you assume has good intentions but occasionally makes errors, to someone you assume was forged in the darkest pits of Hades but occasionally does something nice.

More often than not, marriages end with a whimper, not a bang. You scream because you care.

How does this spiral start? It begins with a secret. You have an issue with something, but you don’t say

As George Bernard Shaw said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

And with time you talk less and assume more.

the average dual career couple spends under two hours a week in discussion.

Yeah, that means you’re gonna fight more. But guess what? Fighting doesn’t end marriages; avoiding conflict does.

“If they don’t or can’t or won’t argue, that’s a major red flag. If you’re in a ‘committed’ relationship and you haven’t yet had a big argument, please do that as soon as possible.” You. Gotta. Talk.

Sixty-nine percent of ongoing problems never get resolved.

The point is that it’s not what you talk about, it’s ...

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

they can’t even remember what the argument was about—but they remember how they felt.

Gottman’s work. His research allows him to predict which couples will be divorced three years later with 94 percent accuracy,

Gottman knows we need Enlightenment era logic to diagnose problems but that Romanticism era feelings are the end goal.

amount of negativity in a marriage doesn’t predict divorce, it’s the type of negativity.

Gottman found, unhappy couples all make the same four mistakes.

Complaining is actually healthy for a marriage.

Complaining is when I say you did not take the trash out. Criticism is when I say you did not take the trash out because you’re a horrible person.

first is about an event, the second is about your fundamental personality.

Complaints often begin with “I” and criticisms often ...

If a sentence starts with “you always” and doesn’t end with “make me so happy,” it’s probably a criticism, and you can expect your...

So turn your criticisms into ...

Address the event, not t...

see your complaints as “goals” to be reached or probl...

Stonewalling is when you shut down or tune out in response to issues your partner brings

stonewalling conveys “you or your concerns are not important enough for me to deal with.”

When guys’ adrenaline levels soar, they just don’t return to baseline as quickly as women’s do.

The solution is to take long breaks.

If the argument gets too heated, ask to return to the discussion in twenty minutes when fight-or-flight h...

Denying responsibility, making excuses, repeating yourself, or using the dreaded “Yes, but . . .” are all examples of defensiveness.