Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong

by Eric Barker

Meet a member of this clan, and they will immediately shower you with compliments, questions, and kindness.

Jennifer Latson recounted in The Boy Who Loved Too Much,

people make you feel so special it’s almost a disappointment when you realize they’re...

Williams syndrome is a genetic disorder.

Williams syndrome (WS) occurs when roughly twenty-eight genes are missing on chromosome number seven.

“uneven cognitive profile.” They have trouble in some areas—but superpowers in others.

In English: people with Williams syndrome never see faces as unfriendly.

You and I are skeptical, or even fearful, of strangers.

the same genes that separate us from those with Williams are the same genes that distinguish wolves from man’s best friend.

nearly all children by age three show a preference for their own race.

She calls it TROUS: “The Rest of Us Syndrome.”

While such a friendly child is a beautiful thing, having them happily hop into cars with strangers is not.

What they possess in social desire is not matched in social ability.

They are the sweet child that everyone is nice to . . . but that no one invites to birthday parties.

majority of Carnegie’s fundamental techniques have been validated by numerous experiments.

promote the feeling of “another self”) is seeking similarity.

“We just don’t feel as much empathy for those we see as ‘other.’”

Carnegie’s book is great for the early stages of relationships, it’s excellent for transactional relationships with business contacts

but it’s also a wonderful playbook for con men.

It’s not focused on building “another self” and developing ...

“For Carnegie, friendship was an occupational tool for entrepreneurs, an instrument of the will in an inherently competitive society.”

It’s the equivalent of using a “How to Pick Up Girls” book to navigate the ups and downs of a multidecade marriage.

academic study called “signaling theory.”

A “costly” signal is a more powerful signal.

We operate based on signaling theory all the time; we’re just rarely aware of

Saying “I’ll be there for you” is one thing. Showing up for a full day of helping you move is a much more costly,

The experts firmly agree on two, the first one being time. Why is time so powerful? Because it’s scarce, and scarce = costly.

And, unsurprisingly, what does research say is the most common cause of conflict in friendships? Once again, time. There’s no getting around it: time is critical.

So how do we make more time for friends as an adult? The key comes down to rituals.

“We talk every Sunday,” or “we exercise together.” Replicate that.

Research from Notre Dame that analyzed over eight million phone calls showed touching base in some form every two weeks is a good target to shoot for.

Hit that minimum frequency, and friendships are more ...

But making new friends can require ev...

Jeff Hall’s research found that it took as many as sixty hours to develop a light friendship, sometimes one hundred hours to get to full-fledged “friend” status, and two hundred or more hours to unlock the vaunted “best friend” achievement. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but either way—yowzers, that’s a lot of time.

how people talked mattered.

Want to make good friends without dozens of hours? You can do it—but Carnegie won’t get you there.

Arthur Aron (who developed the IOS Scale) got strangers to feel like lifelong pals in just forty-five minutes.

that leads us to our second costly signal:...

It’s ironic: when we meet new people, we often try to impress them—and this ...

Through a series of six studies, researchers found that signaling high status doesn’t help new...

Again, might be good for sales calls or conveying leadership, but it makes finding “another...

most of us just nod our heads and go right back to tryin...

Cause it’s really frickin’ scary to put your...

“The concession of trust . . . can generate the very behavior which might logically seem to be its pre-condition.”

In other words, trust creates trust.

How do you signal you’re t...

By trusting someone else. And then, often, the trust in you creat...

Vulnerability tells people they’re part of an...

Yes, I write smarty-smart, self-important books about science and I babytalk to pictures of puppies on Instagram.

The Scary Rule™: If it scares you, say it.