A Risk on Forever

by N.S. Perkins

“Can you… I’m sorry, tell me if I’m overstepping, but will you tell me more?”

I wasn’t sure if it was pain or interest or fear. Whatever it was, it reminded me he was going through something similar at the moment and might like to listen to someone else’s story. So, for him, I continued.

I realized then that Matthias’ eyes were as watery as mine. In a second, his hand was in mine, and I squeezed it tightly in return. I knew I should pull away, but for an instant, I let myself bask in the feeling of truly sharing a moment, a feeling, with someone. It should have felt wrong, to hold my boss’ hand, but it couldn’t; not when we were sharing something only the two of us could understand.

“So, back to my father. When my mom died, a part of him died with her, if not all of him. It’s been two years now, and he still hasn’t come out of his slumber.” I pulled at the skin around my thumbnail. “And, it’s not that he doesn’t love Louis, I know he does. He’s just not in the right state of mind to take care of a kid. So, I do it for him.”

“Have you thought about bringing him to see someone that could help him? A doctor or something?” I shook my head. “I tried to. I think he might be depressed, but he doesn’t want to go see anyone. And, honestly, we don’t have the funds to pay for therapy.”

In some way, it was as if he shared my pain in this instant. And I’d rarely felt anything so beautiful. “Thank you,” I said with a weak smile before getting up and joining Louis and Helen outside. Staying here with Matthias was a bad idea. A real bad idea.

I love kids. I knew I did as soon as I was old enough to own a baby doll, which I dressed and brought with me everywhere. Her name was Gretchen, and you couldn’t have separated me from her for anything in the world. Motherhood was never an option for me; it was a certainty. There was no possibility of a world where I wouldn’t be a mother. I might have come into the game late, but I did still. It was incredible. All through my adult life, I often felt like a little kid, wanting to run into the ocean and dive as if I were a dolphin, or make sandcastles, only for them to be washed away by the tide and start again the next day. Now, for a thirty-year-old lady to do that, it might have seemed weird. But for a mother, it didn’t. People often talk about parenthood as if it only comes with sacrifices and troubles. And I won’t lie, it does come with all of that. But, much, much more importantly, it comes with immeasurable joy, every day for the rest of your life. There’s no better gift. One of the greatest pains I feel comes from the knowledge that I’ll never see your children. But, I rest assured in knowing that, no matter what they look like or who they become, they’ll have the best parent watching over them. Love, Helen

Deciding on a nap instead, I turned off the television and laid down on the bed, just as my phone vibrated beside me. Adelaide: House all decorated for Easter! The text was accompanied by a picture of Helen, her wheelchair wrapped in violet and yellow ribbons. Behind her was our newly-decorated living room, filled with banners and ribbons showcasing Easter colors. I smiled at the sight of the happy expression my mother wore. Me: Looks like you’re having fun.

Adelaide: Helen was tired, so she’s napping right now, but I’m sure I’m still having more fun than you are! Let me guess, laying on a hotel room bed, watching TV? Damn, she was good. And she was right, I wasn’t having so much fun. Before I had the chance to overthink what it meant that I wanted to talk to her “in person,” I pressed the FaceTime button.

She answered on the first ring, her face makeup-free and her hair in a messy bun. It struck me as soon as she answered just how magnificent she looked, from the subtle freckles dotting her skin to her wide eyes and long lashes. I’d noticed before—more times than I could count, really— how pretty she was, but this was the first time I’d felt it so vividly. Well, except for the time I was with Rosalie. And I didn’t like it. At all. Interrupting my confused thoughts, she smiled before saying, “Calling me to prove I guessed right?” I smirked. “Something like that, yeah.”

“Do you even like discovering new places? At least a tiny bit?” Her voice told me she was joking, even if her question struck a chord in me. “Not that much, actually, no.” Her smile disappeared, a crease forming between her brows. “Wait, you’re kidding, right?” When I kept a neutral face, she huffed. “You’re a pilot. You have to like traveling.”

“Then why did you choose this job, if it wasn’t for the chance to discover the world?”

“I like the feeling of control that flying gives me. I… When I was younger, I was always so different from the other kids. I had my growth spurt before everyone. I didn’t have a dad. I wasn’t born here. I liked quirky things like books and classical music instead of cars and sports like every other guy my age.” Her traits softened on the screen. “Basically, I was different from anyone at every possible level, and the other kids reminded me of it every chance they got. And the worst part was, I had no control over the majority of those things, and I always hated it.” “So you became a pilot to make sure you’d have a job where you were fully in control,” she said, finishing my thoughts with a stern face. I nodded. She scratched her cheek, looking to her left while sighing. “Is it weird that I feel like kicking some little shits’ asses even if they’re no longer kids?”

“I’m serious, Matt. If I learned Louis was acting like that with other kids, I would kick his ass.” I laughed again, this time because I had no doubt she would.

“Well, if it helps, those kids are probably bald and wrinkled right now, and they wish they could have your tall build and golden skin and charcoal hair.”

“Anyway, I have to go prepare the vegetables for dinner. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye!”

The more time passed, and the more I felt the temptation to break my only rule, consequences be damned. I couldn’t get her out of my head. There was no denying it anymore. Every time we interacted, she occupied a bigger part of my mind, and I feared she would continue to do so until she’d invaded all of it. But, in this situation, the stakes were too high for the consequences to be damned.

She struggled even more when she was tired, so she always made sure she got enough rest. But, other than that, her disease didn’t affect our relationship. She was in a good mood pretty much all the time, which rubbed off on me.

If possible, I felt energized when I came back to Louis and my father. I might have been her employee, but Helen was as good to me as I was to her. As I looked outside, an airplane flew above the water. What was he thinking about right now? Was he as confused as I was?

Four hours later, and here we were. With everything ready, Helen and I just had to find a hiding place with a good view of the front door and wait for Matthias to come home.

After five minutes, we heard the door unlocking, which made Helen giggle. I pressed my index finger to my own smiling mouth, and she rolled her lips behind her teeth. Then, the door opened large and wide, as if Matthias had pushed it with a bit too much fervor, and it was show time. “Hey, I’m—” His sentence was interrupted by a large pot of lime-green slime that emptied all over his head and body. He gasped when the cold goo reached his head, and that was all Helen and I needed to burst out laughing. We couldn’t control the tears running down our faces as we looked at the usually chic and tidy man who was covered in green, shock evident on his face.