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“By the way, is there a reason you call your mother Helen? I’ve been meaning to ask.” I smirked at the memory her question brought. “When I was a kid, I was a little shit, believe it or not.” She burst out in laughter, snorting in the process, which made me laugh in response. “I can believe it all right.”
“Hey, I just realized you must be so tired. What time is it in Paris?” I brought my phone away from my ear to look at it. “A quarter past three.” “Oh my God! I’m so sorry for keeping you up! Go to bed, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The call ended. Did she just hang up on me? Huh. I’d called to do a simple check up on my mom, yet we’d ended up speaking on the phone for over twenty minutes. I wasn’t sure how to explain why I’d stayed on the line with her this long, other than the fact that she’d made me smile more in this short period of time than I had all day.
After closing the bedside lamp, I tried to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. Instead, I kept replaying our conversation in my head, and somehow found myself wishing it could have lasted just a little longer.
Have I ever told you about my time in Paris? In my younger years, I stayed there for a whole month while doing an elective clinical rotation during my clerkship. My romantic heart had never been fuller. The lights, the wine, the food, the architecture... It couldn’t have been more perfect. It was the most flawless setting for falling in love, and although I didn’t, I saw plenty of people around me who did. Proposals under the Eiffel Tower, stolen kisses in the Jardins du Luxembourg, moonlight promenades beside the Seine, I saw it all. I’m not sure why I’m writing all of this to you right now.
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“About that. He’s… he’s actually not that bad.” I might have whispered the last three words. “Oh really? And why’s that?” Even though I didn’t see her, I could imagine her knowing smirk and raised eyebrows. “I don’t know, we might have had a rough start, but since I’ve gotten to know him better, I can say he’s a pretty cool guy.”
“Come on, Addy, that’s fucking bullshit and you know it.” “I—” The sound of a cupboard slamming shut startled me so much I screamed and dropped my phone on the ground. I turned around, fists in the air, only to be met with Matthias, dressed as usual in his neat pilot uniform, lips rolled back in an attempt to suppress his laughter. It wasn’t working.
“Jesus Christ, you scared the living daylights out of me!”
“Is that how you always gre...
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“Hey, I have to go,” I told Stella. “I’ll call you back.” “Yeah, bitch, you better, ’cause this conversation isn’t over.” “I know. Love you.” “Love you too.”
“Boyfriend?” “Yeah, right,” I huffed. When he looked at me, an eyebrow raised, I explained further. “No, that was Stella, my best friend.”
“So, college, huh?” he said, his back still to me. My eyes widened. How much had he heard? “Don’t worry, I just came in a few seconds before you half-deafened me with your scream. I didn’t hear all your personal gossip,”
“And yeah, college.” I shook my head and inclined my back against the kitchen island. “Well, actually, not for me.” Ignoring my last answer, he leaned on his forearms beside me on the counter and asked, “And what would you like to study?”
“When I was younger, I wanted to go into special education. Work with students with health concerns,”
It was a pipe dream—something not meant for my reality.
“I think you would make an amazing special needs teacher,” he said after a moment. I jerked my head up to find a genuine grin on his lips, and a lump started to grow in my throat. That was it. One simple sentence. Ten tiny words. And suddenly it didn’t feel so foolish. Suddenly, it felt like if my life had been different, maybe I would’ve been plenty qualified.
“You staying for dinner with us?” I exhaled, glad for the lighter subject. “I’d love to, but I have somewhere I need to be.” Just like he had a few minutes prior, he looked at me with an eyebrow raised. “Now what could be more exciting than eating cabbage with us?”
“Um, church.”
“I hadn’t pegged you for the religious type.”
“Guess I’ll need to make a bigger effort to get to know you, then,”
When our eyes met, a shot of electricity coursed through my belly. His chest rose and fell, and his eyes lit with an emotion I wasn’t able to pinpoint. Were his cheeks red? Breaking the eye contact, I cleared my throat. “Um, yeah. Well, I better get going.” I grabbed my stuff and left the kitchen to go see Helen.
Cursing at myself silently, I watched Adelaide leave. Why the fuck had I said that? Things were going well. We were talking like… like friends, and then something had taken over me, and I’d spoken without thinking. Telling her I had to get to know her… What a stupid and borderline creepy thing to say. And the worst part was, despite the fact that the words had come out by themselves, I realized now that I’d meant every single one of them.
This was another thing I didn’t understand about Adelaide: why would a twenty-something woman think she wasn’t good enough to go to college when she was one of the best aides we’d ever had?
“Do you need me to call an Uber for you?” She snickered, rolling her eyes. “I’m fine with taking the bus, but thank you.” When she was ready to leave, I opened the door for her. Before she crossed the threshold, I said, “You’re very good at what you do.” She looked up at me, cheeks blushing as a corner of her lips rose. “Thank you.” I nodded. “Good night, Adelaide.” She got out the door, but after a few steps on the porch, she spun on her heels. “Why don’t you ever call me Addy?” “You never told me I could,” I said as I tilted my head. After a short pause, she said, “Well, you can.” I grinned.
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“Hey, good performance, Addy.” Benjamin, our cellist, put his hand on my shoulder while passing beside me, startling me in the process.
I hadn’t lied to Matthias when I’d left; I was on my way to church. I simply hadn’t disclosed the reason for it.
Then, two years ago, Gabrielle’s cousin had gotten engaged, and she’d asked us to play at her wedding. We’d accepted, thinking it’d be a one-time thing, but after that, we’d received a few more contracts and never really stopped.
I also did it because singing was one of my favorite things in the world.
Because even if I hadn’t thought about it before, the way I’d felt in his kitchen made me think I might have wanted there to be meaning behind his words. I wanted him to truly want to get to know me.
He was witty and funny when we talked, but every time Helen or I asked questions that were somehow personal, he gave some bland answer and left. He knew a lot about my life, yet the only information I had of him, I’d gotten from Helen. He might have been a shy man with no particular information to disclose, but somehow, I doubted it. No one without any history of heartbreak would be sealed so tight. He was a puzzle, and it wasn’t my place to learn how to assemble it.
As promised, in these letters, I’d like to give you some advice. Obviously, I would have preferred to be there in person to counsel you and help you make your decisions, but this is the best I can do. I hope when you need my help and wish I were there, you can read these words again and find what you’re looking for. So here goes the first Helen Advice: Always say what’s on your mind. I might have collected a few regrets in my sixty-four years of life, but being honest has never been one of them. Keeping things hidden, though, has been. Show your emotions. Cry when you’re sad, laugh when you’re
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Matthias, we have a problem.” “What? What’s wrong?”
“I’m really sorry, Matthias. I didn’t know this was going to happen and I’ve been looking for a solution for an hour now, but I can’t find anything and I—” “Addy,” he interrupted me, “just bring him with you then.” “What?” I still sounded breathless from my earlier rambling. “Did I break up? I said bring him. It’s fine. Helen loves kids.” I chewed on my bottom lip. “Uh... Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose.” He huffed. “Addy, you could never impose even if you wanted to. Just bring him, and I’ll try to make the place kid-friendly until you get here. See you later,” he said before hanging
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“Hey!” Matthias yelled from the kitchen before heading our way, a travel coffee mug in hand. I had to suppress a smile when I caught his slightly disheveled and winded appearance. It wasn’t that obvious, but compared to his usual perfectly neat image, it was noticeable.
“I went and grabbed some of my old stuff in the attic so that Louis could have things to play with. They’re in the living room with Helen. She’s watching a movie.” This time, I wasn’t able to keep my smile away. I hid the fire truck I was holding behind my back. “Thank you, that was nice of you.”
“Whoaaaaa, are you a pilot?” Matthias glanced his way with a grin. “Yes, I am.” This was possibly the worst thing to say to a seven-year-old obsessed with vehicles. “I have a huuuuge plane at home! I wish I’d brought it to show you!” Matthias’ look softened even more before he crouched in front of my brother. “Well, you’ll just have to bring it next time you come here, ’kay buddy?”
“Okay, Lou, we’ll let Matthias go to work now.” I pushed him forward inside the house, and looked behind my shoulder, where Matthias was standing straight, eyes fixed on me. I smiled and mouthed, “Thank you.”
I’d found her pretty from the first time we’d met. Beautiful, really.
She kissed me before letting her mouth linger on my skin. “Are you sure you wouldn’t want to spend your time doing something else?”
As she kissed my chest, I rubbed her strands between my fingers, the texture feeling off. And that’s when it hit me. I was expecting to feel hair that was curly and dark, not smooth and red. Eyes bulging out, I jerked back, heaving under my half-open shirt. Rosalie looked up, an eyebrow arched and a frown overtaking her swollen lips. “Uh… I’m sorry, I’m not feeling it today. Might have caught a bug or something,” I lied. “Maybe another time.”
Dragging a hand through my hair, I tried to understand the meaning of what had just happened without coming to any conclusion. Yes, I’d always found Addy attractive—okay, really fucking hot—but I hadn’t realized I’d started to want her in this way.
Anyway, it didn’t matter. Even if I did want her, which I wasn’t sure I did, it could never happen. Not unless I wanted to risk a repeat of the disaster that had happened with my past girlfriend. Addy was off-limits. Now the only thing I had to do was make sure my mind understood it.
“Try to make us guess your favorite summer activity,” she said. Louis placed a finger on his chin, looking up for a few moments. “I got it!” He grinned before starting to split the Play-Doh into three equal parts. “Hey, I’m back!”
When he got to us, he looked around the room to the million games and toys sprawled on the floor. “Looks like you’re having fun.” “Yeah, we are,”
“Hey, Louis, your sister told me you’re the best at doing cartwheels. Would you like to show me how good you are? Let the grown-ups speak while we young-of-hearts have some fun?”
Helen winked at me before wheeling herself in the direction he left in. “Hey, wait up! These aren’t race car wheels!”
“Helen the matchmaker strikes again.” I smirked at him, but he didn’t laugh at my joke. He swallowed roughly before taking a seat opposite to me, avoiding my eyes the whole time. “So, how did the day go?”
“Hey, um, can I ask you a question?” Matthias blurted. “Sure,” I answered, not bothering to look behind me. “Why can’t your father look after Louis?”
“I’m not asking because it bothered me that you brought him here today, not at all,” he said. “I was just curious, but you don’t have to answer that.” He cleared his throat. “Actually, it’s not my place to ask. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay, I just wasn’t expecting that question.”
“They were each other’s everything, you know. All their plans revolved around the other. Their one big, lifelong dream was to one day buy a motel by the coast of Maine, which they did when I was fifteen. We moved here, and everything was perfect. Then, my mom got sick and everything crumbled around them. Around us.”
