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by
Shirtaloon
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December 30 - December 31, 2021
his soul had been battered and beaten to the point that his entire torso was a landscape of ragged marks and lumpen scar tissue.
There was no reclaiming innocence,
With a simple thought from Jason, one of the sandwiches separated from the group and floated to his hand. “Nice,” he said, then took a bite.
“It is good to see you alive again, Mr Asano.” “Good to be seen,” Jason said. “It comes as bit of a surprise.” “Not entirely,” Shade said. “The World-Phoenix token in your possession was always a comfort to me, in regard to your safety.” “Wait,” Jason said. “You knew?” “Of course,” Shade said in his usual dignified tone. “I’m not a scrub.”
“Mr Asano, you just died attempting to have a knife fight with an entity so powerful that it was forced to use a proxy so as to not annihilate the universe by simple virtue of arriving in it.” “Oh, come on, Shade. It was one time.” “Mr Asano, as I do not possess eyebrows, I shall require you to imagine me with a pair in order that I might give you a flat look from beneath them.”
On cue, a hulking white guy came striding out of the bar. He wasn’t as big as Taika, but looked like a bicep that had grown a person around it, bought a tank top, and started getting tattoos.
“Vast magical power does change your perspective somewhat, doesn’t it?”
The US is bad enough with combat drones. Do you want to see magic combat drones?” “Does it make me a bad person if I say yes?” Jason asked. “I mean, magic, flying death robots? You have to admit, that’s pretty awesome.”
You can’t even fail properly. You are the worst vampire in the world.”
She looked down at his t-shirt, emblazoned with the text I WENT TO A MAGICAL ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AND ALL I GOT WAS VAST COSMIC POWER.
Do you have any grasp of consequences?” “That’s… traditionally been a weak area for me,” Jason acknowledged.
“Where did you learn to bully people?” she asked. “Eighties movies? Do it online like a regular person.”
“How can I be sure it’s even you?” Erika asked. “Because you want to punch me in the face,” Jason said. “You know that feeling.”
“You’re living on a houseboat?” she asked. “Like the Highlander? TV show Highlander, obviously.”
“Nobody cares if the guy who stabbed them in the back is sorry, Kaito. They care that they got stabbed in the back.”
“How much do you think it cost?” “No idea.” “And he’s a private security contractor?” Ian asked. “I guess shooting brown people for Americans is lucrative. It seems weird. Jason was always so progressive.”
How are you twelve? You’re like the reincarnation of a sneaky old lady.”
“The weight of evidence for an extraordinary claim must be proportioned to its strangeness.”
“The sceptical mind, as it turns out, does not handle the truly outrageous all that well.”
“Who was that?” Emi asked. “You know the Men in Black?” Jason asked. “That was them. Well, the People in Black.”
Do you ever leave your phone on?” “I was meditating in an alternate dimension, Eri. The Telstra network doesn’t cover that.”
“Uncle Jason, tuck in your shirt. You look unemployed.” “I prefer to think of myself as independently wealthy.”
“It’s a DVD box set, Uncle Jason. It might as well be chiselled on stone tablets.”
“Uncle Jason, why do you tell such obvious lies?” “So it’s harder to notice the subtle ones,” Jason said. “Tell the truth as much as you can, and if you have to lie, make it obvious. That makes it easier to slip the important lies past people.”
“I need extra carbs and protein,” Jason said defensively. “I have a condition.” “What condition?” Emi asked. “Super powers,”
“They’re a stubborn bunch. I mean, look at them. They just got teleported and they’re staring at the sky like it owes them money.”
His family did one of the few things even less plausible than magic—they took a genuine interest in a family member’s holiday videos.
But don’t fool yourself into confusing what you want with what you need.
“Give him a firm maybe,”
Your friend Gary is really furry. Does he give good hugs?” “Oh, they’re amazing,” Jason said. “It’s like being wrapped in a blanket made of friendship. But not as weird and creepy as I make it sound.”
“Emi,” Erika said. “What did I tell you about swearing?” “That it’s an arbitrary assignment of negative value to words with no inherent negative value based on outmoded moral strictures,” Emi groaned.
“Fighting monsters is definitely more exciting than exploiting our international neighbours to enrich the government’s corporate donors.”
Jason’s Lemonade Item: [Jason’s Lemonade] (normal rank, common) A delicious citrus drink (consumable, beverage). Effect: Refreshing. Crafting requirements: Materials: 6 lemons. 1 and ¼ cups of sugar. 5 cups of water. Amounts of sugar and lemon juice can be adjusted, if you like it extra sweet or with bit of a twang to it. Tools: Mixing bowl. Cooking pot. Mesh strainer. Lemon/vegetable peeler. Lemon juicer (optional). Serving pitcher. Steps: Wash lemons. If they feel waxy, scrub them under hot water. Peel the zest from 6 lemons with a veggie peeler. You want the yellow zest, but don’t be too
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Basically, cores are what you give your mum so she doesn’t have to fight monsters.”
The committees are committees. They’re going to want to change some details just to feel like they’re in control.”
“Poison works like a recovery potion on me.” Nigel’s team all turned to him. “What?” he asked. “I told you that poison’s kind of my thing.” “Is anything not kind of your thing?” Darce asked. “Store-bought mayonnaise,” Jason said. “Make it yourself or don’t use it. Oh, and canned beans.”
“D&D rules,” Jason said. “Burn the trolls.”
This situation might seem exceptional to you, with all these category-three monsters running about, but I have a word for days like today.” “And what’s that?” Koen asked. “Tuesday.”
“I’m a man’s man,” Jason said. “The only thing I fear is a frank discussion about my feelings.”
“It’s fine,” he told her. “The monster’s gone.” He moved forward to help her to her feet, but she scuttled away like a scared insect. “Oh,” he said, realisation dawning. “It’s not the monster you’re afraid of.”
“Jason,” Erika scolded. “We have thirty family members in the back yard and you’re in here?” “Those may not be unrelated facts,” Jason said.
Jason’s phone rang with a number he didn’t recognise, but he answered it anyway. “Johnson Deli, where we give you the big sausage,” Jason answered,
West Indian lime and coconut squares.”
“My driver understands the most vital aspect of being an essence user,” Jason said. “Of all the things I learned in the other world, it stands above all the others.” “And what’s that?” “It’s not about being good,” Jason said. “It’s about looking good.”
A personality like that is practically a suicide note.”
“We surrender. Just keep whatever you sent in there away from us!”
“That’s exhausting,” she said unsteadily. “I should be judicious in what I want to learn, because I can only do that so often.” “Agreed,” Jason said. “Essentials first.” “Do you really consider Magnum P.I. to be essential?” Farrah asked.
“I could really stand to kill some things.” “Bonza,” Cotsworth said. “That doesn’t sound at all like some lunatic powerhouse gearing up to plunge my life into chaos.”
There were horses with spider legs and mouths that split wide like a crocodile’s.
Three of Shade’s bodies emerged from Jason’s shadow to take the form of robust dirt bikes, naturally all in black. “I don’t know how to ride this,” Farrah said as Jason mounted up. “Do not be concerned, Miss Hurin,” Shade said. “Straddle me firmly and I will take good care of you.” “Shade,” Jason admonished. “Time and place.” “Mr Asano, that level of innuendo is beneath you. Or, at the very least, it should be.” “Fair point,” Jason said. “That was low humour and we need to focus on the job at hand. Farrah, go ahead and put Shade’s throbbing machine between your legs.” “I’m feeling very
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