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“Because I can’t feel guilt, sadness, anger, or shame as strongly as I can feel fear anymore, and there’s no stronger fear than when I scare myself.” He brushed a tear off my face, and I jerked away. “I never know quite what I’ll do,” he finished.
“Your parents are bad,” he explained. “Your sister lacks any depth to be interesting, and I hate my house. It’s so dark there.” He paused, then continued. “It all fucking disappeared when you were dancing, though. It made the world prettier. I liked it.”
CHAPTER 9
The “I love him, but should I be worried he’s here?” variety.
And then she broke into a full smile, and my heart skipped a beat. It was the same smile she gave me when we would do all the childish shit my friends were too cool to do with me in high school.
She smiled less the older we got, but just now, it came so easily. I could tell already. She was different.
Pls dont hurt her
I knew she meant me. Even though she didn’t come to live at my house until she was twelve, I was part of the reason her world was so small when she was growing up. I wanted her to be happy, but I hadn’t outgrown that possessiveness. I still had a hard time being happy that she was happy, when the reason she was happy wasn’t because of me.
Fucking Kai. He’d clearly treated her how she deserved. But was she his now? Truly?
I needed her. I needed an anchor.
I’d nearly killed my friend. I’d destroyed Kai’s business. I’d threatened her, had her guarded, and kept her practically caged.
“I—” “You raised me,” she said, raising her eyes. “And who knows what would’ve happened to me if I’d stayed with my mother.”
“I like who I am,” she told me. “I don’t hate you for anything.”
“She’s not alone, sir,” he called after me. “Mr. Grayson is here.”
I liked that Will was here. I wanted him here. I wanted him with me.
Thank you for that, Will. I wanted her in perfect condition.
In that moment, I wanted to grab him and her and Banks and put us all on an island, because they would never not belong to me.
“I got your letter,” he said, staring at the fire.
I’d knelt there, letting him hit me again and again, because I wanted to feel worse on the outside than I did on the inside, and for so many moments, I just wanted him to kill me. Just kill me, because I can’t take it back, and I can’t move on.
I’d almost killed him. And I wanted him to hate me so hard he would fucking murder me, and then maybe, after his anger was spent, he’d love me again.
And if at least a small part of him wasn’t willing to forgive me, he wouldn’t be here now. He wanted to be here. He hadn’t let it go, which meant he hadn’t let me go. Not completely.
“Oh, I remember this,” I taunted in his ear, every inch of my chest pressed against his back and both us very aware of my groin on his ass. “This is what you really missed, isn’t it?”
WHAAAAT
“All three times?” I teased, smiling.
THREE TIMESSSSSSD
When we were young and already drained and rotting from the inside out, and for a few nights here and there we just wanted to touch someone who got it. Who understood.
“They didn’t see the way you would look at her at school, during lunch and in passing in the hallways. And how no one—no one,” he reemphasized the words, “fucked with her behind her back after what you did to any guy who disrespected her, like making an obscene gesture right next to her that she couldn’t see.”
“Then, do it,” he fired back. “Do it, because I got nothin’ to lose, D. Nothing.”
“My family is done with me. Michael has Rika. Kai has Banks. You were a lie.” He faltered, dropping his gaze. “She was a lie.” She.
She was next. After I was done with Winter, I’d do it for him.
“I’m not afraid of anything anymore. If you don’t kill me, I’ll keep pushing you until you have to. And I will fuck you over any way I can.” He bared his teeth, growling. “In ways she’s gonna love.”
Be with me. Just be with me. Not against me.
But he pushed me again, and I winced, my chest now aching. “And she’ll take me away from you, and then you’ll be all alone. Like you always should’ve been.”
“Kill me. Fucking finish the job and kill me, because I’m fucked, and I hate you, and if you don’t take me out, I’ll take you out, because it’s fucking over!”
“Kill me, so I’m out of your way!” he bellowed. “If you did it right last time, I’d be at the bottom of the fucking ocean, so finish the job, and then you can have her!”
He would’ve been gone forever.
He grunted, breathing hard, and I dropped my forehead to his, unable to swallow the fucking needles in my throat.
I moved my hands to his face, just holding him, and ready to say so much, because I never had to hide anything from him. He never saw weakness when he looked at me. I wanted to tell him things.
I didnt even know this was sth i needed
I would’ve fucking followed him and rotted down there, close to wherever he was, because nothing I would’ve acquired after that—my inheritance or my vengeance on Winter—would’ve been worthwhile without him.
I dove in, catching his bottom lip between my teeth and pushing us both through the pool house door.
WHAAAAAAAAT
“What is she wearing?” I started, stroking him, not giving him time to think. “What is she fucking wearing for you, huh?”
“Yeah.” And I had him.
Thats powerful
“Lick her, Will,” I told him, giving him what that bitch never did. “She loves you in the dark. She lets Will Grayson the third, star of the basketball team, come over to her house, climb into her room at night, and come inside her whenever he wants.”
He moaned, sweat glistening across his neck and chest, and he kept his eyes closed, because he knew once he opened them the spell would be broken. It wasn’t her on top of him. It was me.
“That’s all you can do, isn’t it?” he said, cleaning and zipping up. “You can only fuck people or fuck with them. That’s the only way you can connect.”
“All I need is me. One person willing to do what none of you will.” I paused and added, “You don’t have the stomach for this, Will. Don’t doubt that I will do whatever I have to, to keep what’s mine. That little girl belongs to me.”
“She doesn’t want to belong to you, Damon.”
“You belong to me,” my mother says. “You belong to me, and I belong to you.”
“We’ll always be each other’s, Damon. Mommy will be yours no matter what. For the rest of your life. I’m yours, baby.”
“I don’t belong to your father,” she says. “Not the way I belong to you. I was only thirteen when he first saw me. Did he ever tell you that? I was only a couple of years older than you are now.”
One finger of her hand trails down the center of my torso, and then all of her fingers fan out across my stomach, making the little hairs on my body stand up. That feels good.
“I’m not sure when I woke up. Maybe I’d only been asleep for a moment, but when I opened my eyes, he was pulling my
costume down . . . baring my little body . . . and ripping off my tights and slippers.”
