Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Consistently, I am practicing assertiveness and self-discipline to create the life that I want.

hoping that others would guess my mood and wishes. Through trial and error, I’ve learned that people will not guess my needs.

Yes, there’s aftermath when dealing with the discomfort and guilt that comes from asserting yourself.

You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return.

Family systems have unspoken rules of engagement. If you want to feel guilty, set a limit with your family.

It’s not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them.

“If you don’t like something, do something about it.”

This reflects the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries: fear of someone getting mad at them.

Fear is not rooted in fact. Fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the story lines in our heads.

the relationships I could have saved if only I had said something!

Clarity saves relationships.

Communicating what you want and need is tough at first.

downright

the more you do it, the eas...

when you experience the peace of mind...

Because we often don’t know exactly how to express what we need, I’ve

the best friend, best daughter, best sister, best coworker.

so many people—especially women—who give and give so much, only to feel exhausted and even depressed as a result.

Saying no to helping is an act of self-care.

Paying attention to your needs is self-care.

you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it t...

Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people.

affects how we perceive the intentions of others.

But prolonging issues by avoiding them means the same issues will reappear over and over again,

but avoidance is a fear-based response.

A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you. It can be explicit, such as

People who exhibit strong signs of being disagreeable, such as always having to be right, arguing over small details, or struggling to accept differences in others, are more likely to push back against boundaries.

staying safe by locking yourself in is unhealthy and leads to a whole other set of problems.

Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions.

Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at that moment

short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time!

I will mention when I’m becoming

uncomfortable with your tone.”

You must uphold what you communicate through your behavior.

Betting on the other person to read your mind is a recipe for an unhealthy relationship.

want to hang out with you, but my schedule won’t allow for the adjustment.

honoring your boundaries through action is the only way most people will understand that you’re serious, which will help the people in your life become serious about your boundaries, too.

lack of action invites continued violations in the relationship. You will have to put in the work

to ensure that your boundaries are respected.

We all grow and evolve, and our relationships must do the same.

“You are testing my limits.”

“When you don’t respect my boundaries, I feel ____.”

Do your best to name your boundary without offering an explanation so that you aren’t talked out of it.

need this in future situations as well.”

React to ignoring immediately after you notice the issue. If not, the boundary will disappear.

Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourself—no excuses required.

Be careful not to explain yourself. Keep your response short by saying something like “This is what’s healthy for me.”

some people will respond defensively no matter how you state your expectations and desires.

healthy relationships are not one-sided. The needs of both individuals are equally important.

Talk about one issue at a time.