Loveless

by Alice Oseman

I loved romance. Always had. I loved Disney

I just. Loved. Love.

All I had to do was wait, and my big love story would come. I would find the one. We would fall in love. And I’d get my happily ever after.

He was the first person I met who I could sit quietly with and it wouldn’t feel awkward. I

didn’t feel like I had to try to be funny and entertaining with him; I could just be me, and he wouldn’t dislike me because of it.

There were never any romantic feelings between Pip, Jason, and me. But what we did have—a friendship of many years—was just as strong as that, I think. Stronger, maybe, than a lot of couples I knew.

New at romance? I wanted to laugh. I’d been studying romance like an academic. Like an obsessive researcher.

Apparently, I hadn’t ever fancied anyone.

was I just doing life wrong? Was there something wrong with me? “Can you believe that?”

I was going to try harder. I wanted forever love. I didn’t want to be loveless.

Maybe this would be the kick I needed to branch out and find new people and have experiences.

Nothing fazed Jason. He had whatever the opposite of anxiety was. Absolute, unerring peace of mind.

Whether we hung out all the time or not—we would always be friends.

I completely understood that women should want to be strong and independent and you don’t need to find love to have a successful life.

the fact that I so desperately wanted a boyfriend—or a girlfriend, a partner, whoever, someone—was a sign that I was not strong or independent or self-sufficient or happy alone.

I was really quite lonely, and I wante...

Was that such a bad thing? To want an intimate connection ...

I would never be able to kiss some guy just because it was fun, because it made me feel good, because I could do what I wanted.

Maybe fate had brought her to me. Or maybe that was just romantic thinking.

the idea of trying to get with any of these people—no matter their gender—was, honestly, unnerving.

filled my stomach with a weird, horrible dread, and a warning siren went off in my brain. It felt like my antibodies were fighting it off.

It would be so much easier if I had someone to just tell me what to do and who to be with and how to act and what love actually was.

Wanting and not wanting at the same time.

“There’s something wrong with you,” I said under my breath.

That was a bad thought. There was nothing wrong with me. This was just who I was. Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about any of it.

I didn’t even know what was wrong. Everything. Myself. I didn’t know. How come everyone else could function and I couldn’t?

How could everyone live properly, yet I had some sort of error in my programming?

I knew what Tinder was, at least. “I don’t really think Tinder is for me.”

“I don’t think I need to try everything to know I don’t like it.”

You don’t have to, like, love them, but just look out for anyone you see who you wouldn’t mind finding out more about.”

What did I like? What was my standard? What were my preferences?

wondering why picturing myself in any sort of romantic or sexual situation made me feel like I was going to vom and/or run a mile, while romance in movies felt like the sole purpose of being alive.

this was what Pip did when she got a crush on someone who couldn’t like her back: She shut down the feelings with sheer willpower. It protected her.

Pip had always been kind of insecure about how she looked. But now that she was actually dressing how she’d always wanted to dress, and had cut her hair and all that, she exuded a sort of confidence that I could never hope to achieve—a confidence that said I know exactly who I am.

without having fallen in love, without having even figured out who I was and what I wanted.

“I’ve already accepted that I’ll never find anyone,”

“Just thought there might be a specific reason as to why I’m forever alone.”

And it turned out that clubbing was slightly better when you were with people you know and love.

I felt so comfortable and safe around Jason and I’d just written him off as “best friend”

I checked my phone. 5:21 a.m.

To be absolutely and completely honest, I didn’t want to go on a date with him at all. But I did want to want to go on a date with him. And that was the crux of my problem.

I guessed this was due to nerves. Everyone gets nervous about a first date.

knew that I needed to chill out and be myself, and if I didn’t feel that spark after a while, then we just weren’t meant to be.

we’d known each other for years, and we’d already had dozens, if not hundreds, of deep chats.

We were already at the point where silence didn’t feel awkward. We knew each other.

I had no idea what “liking someone like that” was even supposed to feel like.

I guess it just felt right.”

He was super nice, funny, interesting, and attractive, but I didn’t know whether I was feeling anything other than platonic friendship.

we’ll still be friends,” I concluded. “No matter what.”

I was glad that I was doing this with Jason and not some random person who didn’t know me, who didn’t understand, who would expect things from me and would think I was weird when I didn’t want to …