Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

My life before I had healthy boundaries was overwhelming and chaotic. I, too, have struggled with codependency, peace in life and at work, and unfulfilling relationships. But setting expectations for myself and others gives me peace. Inventing a life with healthy relationships is an ongoing practice, but it gets more comfortable with time and practice.

Boundaries will set you free.

Once they finish their tales of resentment, unhappiness, feeling overwhelmed, and codependency, I say to them gently, “You have an issue with boundaries.”

Signs That You Need Boundaries You feel overwhelmed. You feel resentment toward people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burned out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing. You have no time for yourself.

People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.

Reasons People Don’t Respect Your Boundaries You don’t take yourself seriously. You don’t hold people accountable. You apologize for setting boundaries. You allow too much flexibility. You speak in uncertain terms. You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head). You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

“What do you really have to do, and what can you delegate?

Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.

Mental health issues such as anxiety can be prompted by our neurological response to stress. When we are stressed, our brain has difficulty shutting down. Our sleep is affected. Dread sets in.

The root of self-care is setting boundaries. Self-care is more than taking a spa day, and it isn’t selfish. Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you’ll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: it’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed, and bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits. Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn’t allow us to be our best selves in our relationships. It breeds conflict. It makes us paranoid. It puts up a wall. Long-term resentment affects how we perceive the intentions of others. When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead of for the joy of helping. Resentment can be palpable.

Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn’t prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries.

The Meaning of Boundaries They are a safeguard to overextending yourself. They are a self-care practice. They define roles in relationships. They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships. They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs. They are a way to communicate your needs to others. They are a way to create healthy relationships. They are a way to create clarity. They are a way to feel safe.

Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.

Porous boundaries look like Oversharing Codependency Enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person) Inability to say no People-pleasing Dependency on feedback from others Paralyzing fear of being rejected Accepting mistreatment

Rigid boundaries look like Never sharing Building walls Avoiding vulnerability Cutting people out Having high expectations of others Enforcing strict rules

Healthy Healthy boundaries are possible when your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental, and physical capacities, combined with clear communication.

Healthy boundaries look like Being clear about your values Listening to your own opinion Sharing with others appropriately Having a healthy vulnerability with people who’ve earned your trust Being comfortable saying no Being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally

Whenever you identify a boundary you’d like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.

Common Responses to Boundaries Pushback Limit testing Ignoring Rationalizing and questioning Defensiveness Ghosting Silent treatment Acceptance

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen. The other person refuses to meet reasonable requests. There’s emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. You feel sad, angry, drained, or disappointed after most interactions. The relationship is one-sided; you give and they take. There’s a lack of trust in the relationship. The other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviors. The other person has an addiction that is harmful to you.

Burnout is caused by Not knowing when to say no Not knowing how to say no Prioritizing others over yourself People-pleasing Superhero syndrome (“I can do it all”) Unrealistic expectations Not being appreciated for what you do

Things That Lead to Burnout Listening to people complain about the same things over and over Doing your best with little appreciation for your work Dispensing your advice to people who don’t value your feedback Engaging in dialogue with people who take an emotional toll on you Doing things that don’t make you happy Lacking balance (harmony) in your roles and duties Setting high expectations at work, at home, or in relationships Having a continual urge to control situations outside of your control

Examples of Less Harmful Boundaries Accepting assistance to your car at the grocery store Correcting people when they say your name wrong Asking for help while shopping instead of trying to find merchandise on your own Asking questions instead of assuming you know the answer

What’s Keeping Us from Having Healthy Boundaries? It’s your responsibility to tell people how burdened you are in your relationships.

“It’s Them, Not Me” For our relationships to improve, we assume that the other person has to change. We’re unaware of the aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries.

“We Tried Once, and It Failed” When we set a boundary and nothing changes immediately, we often assume it’s a lost cause. But there are many reasons why people don’t immediately adhere to our request, so the way we communicate it is critical.

The Reasons We Tolerate Boundary Issues We Aren’t Aware That We Need to Set Boundaries

We Focus on the Worst-Case Scenario

“What if they get mad at me?” “What if they want nothing to do with me?” “What if I lose a friend/family member?” “What if I say the wrong thing?” “Is setting a boundary petty?” “What if I’m called selfish?” “I don’t think anyone will listen to me.”

We Feel We Can’t Tolerate the Discomfort of Setting Boundaries

Where We Learn About Boundaries Family Is Where It All Starts

Respecting Kids’ Boundaries

9 Potential Reasons Why You Can’t Sufficiently Set a Boundary You fear being mean. You fear being rude. You’re a people-pleaser. You’re anxious about future interactions after a boundary has been set. You feel powerless (and not sure that boundaries will help). You get your value from helping others. You project your feelings about being told no onto others. You have no clue where to start. You believe that you can’t have boundaries in certain types of relationships.

It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards, for your life and the people you allow in it. —Mandy Hale

Physical Boundaries Personal space and physical touch are your physical boundaries. Your physical space is the perimeter around your body.

Examples of Physical Boundary Violations Physical abuse Forcing hugs, kisses, or handshakes Standing too close Holding someone’s hand in public when they’ve made it clear they’re uncomfortable with public displays of affection Touching someone on their body in a way they deem inappropriate Reading someone’s journal or another form of invasion of privacy

Here are a few ways to honor your physical boundaries: Verbalize your need for physical distance to others. Be clear with others about your discomfort with certain types of physical touch, such as hugging.

Here are a few ways to honor your sexual boundaries: Report sexual misconduct that you experienced or witnessed. Don’t make excuses for poor conduct.

Intellectual Boundaries Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts and ideas. You’re free to have an opinion about anything you want. And when you express your opinion, your words shouldn’t be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed.

Examples of Intellectual Boundary Violations Calling someone names for their beliefs or opinions Yelling during disagreements Ridiculing someone for their views and thoughts Dismissing someone because of disagreements Demeaning a child’s mother/father in front of a child Telling children about problems they aren’t emotionally capable of handling

Here are a few ways to honor your intellectual boundaries: If you’re a parent, refrain from discussing adult matters with your kids. Be respectful of people who are different from you.

Emotional Boundaries When you share your feelings, it’s reasonable to expect others to support you. For some of us, however, expressing emotions isn’t easy. So when someone belittles your emotions or invalidates your feelings, they are violating your emotional boundaries.

Examples of Emotional Boundary Violations Sharing too much too soon (oversharing) Sharing inappropriate emotional information with children Emotional dumping/excessive venting Pushing someone to share information they aren’t comfortable sharing Invalidating someone’s feelings Telling people how to feel, such as “You shouldn’t be sad about that” Minimizing the impact of something, such as “That wasn’t a big deal” Pushing people to move past complicated feelings swiftly Gossiping about the personal details of another person’s life

Here are a few ways to honor your emotional boundaries: Ask people if they want you to just listen, or if they’re looking for feedback. This will help you determine whether or not to offer suggestions. Share only with people you trust who can indeed hold space for your emotions.

Material Boundaries Material boundaries have to do with your possessions. Your stuff is your stuff. If you decide to share your stuff, it’s your choice. You also have the right to determine how others treat your possessions.

Examples of Material Boundary Violations Using things longer than the agreed-on time frame Never returning a borrowed item Loaning borrowed items to others without permission Damaging a possession and refusing to pay for it Returning possessions in poor condition

Here are a few ways to honor your material boundaries: Do not loan things to people who’ve demonstrated that they will not respect your possessions. Share your expectations for your possessions up front.

Time Boundaries In my experience, of the six areas listed, time is the boundary area that people tend to struggle with the most. Time boundaries consist of how you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests, and how you structure your free time.

Examples of How We Violate Time Boundaries and How They Are Violated by Others Calling multiple times in a row for non-emergencies Expecting someone to drop everything in order to provide help Calling or sending text messages late when the recipient is sleeping Asking others to do things for free Overcommitting Having long conversations with emotionally draining people Requesting favors at a time when it’s clear the other person isn’t available Asking someone to stay late at work for no additional pay Accepting favor requests from people who won’t reciprocate