Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Affirming Statements “I can have boundaries in my relationships with family.” “Setting limitations with others is a healthy way to ensure that my needs are met.” “Expressing my expectations is my way of practicing self-care.” “In healthy relationships, people will respect my wishes.” “Discomfort is a part of the process.”

Cutoffs and Walls Merely stating your expectations may not be enough, particularly for people who habitually violate them.

Cutoffs A cutoff happens when you decide to terminate an unhealthy relationship.

No matter who initiates the cutoff, it may prompt these feelings: Relief: “I feel better without the stress of the relationship.” Regret: “I knew I shouldn’t have asked them to ____.” Guilt: “It’s all my fault that this happened.” Anger: “I can’t believe they would respond like this.” Sadness: “I miss ____.”

Walls Walls are rigid boundaries through which you intend to protect yourself by keeping people out.

When someone violates your boundary, you can Restate or refresh it Reduce your interactions with that person Issue an ultimatum Accept it and let go of the relationship

Accepting and Letting Go When you’ve tried setting boundaries and your requests are continuously violated, it may be time to consider cutting people off.

Terminating a relationship will mimic the grief process. You’re likely to experience the following: depression, anger, confusion, and bargaining.

When a relationship ends, it’s okay to Grieve the loss (cry, be angry, feel sad) Practice self-compassion (it was not your fault) Engage in radical self-care (daily and often) Make a list affirming who you are (I am a loving person, etc.) Process what you learned about yourself as a result of the toxic relationship Determine how you would like to show up in your present and future relationships Forgive yourself for the things you allowed to happen in the relationship Forgive yourself for not leaving sooner

It’s true—people may not like the boundaries you set, and they might retaliate by Cutting you off Giving you the silent treatment Manipulating you by trying to talk you out of your boundary Being mean

Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship. If you experience any of the above, know that the damage wasn’t caused by your boundary. The relationship was already unhealthy, and your boundary brought to the surface the issues that needed to be addressed.

Action Steps Ignore calls when it isn’t a good time to talk. Limit the conversation to five to ten minutes. Talk about yourself more. Don’t offer solutions; just listen.

In Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about the importance of making small changes to generate significant results: “All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves, and branches grow. The task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us. And the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time.”

In this chapter, we identified blurred boundaries and problems that can arise when we aren’t clear about our expectations. Ultimatums are typically seen as negative in a relationship, but I’ve described some ways to use an ultimatum to your advantage. Also, boundaries are not walls. A wall keeps people out, while boundaries show people how to exist in a relationship with you.

Amber had also mastered being a chameleon to accommodate whatever environment she was in. At work, she was a leader and a team player. She knew that pretending to be friendly and appearing to have it all together was necessary for her career success.

Boundaries and Trauma Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries.

People with high ACE scores, which is anything over a 4, are more prone to health issues, relationship problems, and mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression.

According to Claudia Black, a renowned addiction author, speaker, and trainer, there are three types of common boundary violations that often occur when trauma is experienced.

Common Issues Experienced by Adults Who’ve Experienced Abuse or Neglect Wanting to help everyone, even without the means to do so Working nonstop (equating busyness with success) Loaning people money who have proved that they won’t pay it back Oversharing in hopes of receiving love Being unable to regulate emotions Being a people-pleaser Fearing conflict Having low self-esteem Being in enmeshed relationships Being unable to make decisions without input from others

How Trauma Impacts Attachments Boundary violation due to trauma, whether in childhood or adulthood, affects our ability to form healthy attachments.

Anxious Attachment Constantly seeking validation Engaging in self-sabotaging behavior Continually threatening to leave the relationship Frequently arguing about how committed the other person is to the relationship Breaking up often over trivial issues Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat Having a paralyzing fear that the relationship will end Desiring to be close but pushing people away Demonstrating needy, attention-seeking behaviors Feeling discomfort with being alone

Avoidant Attachment Continually looking for reasons to justify that the relationship isn’t working Hyperfocusing on the negative aspects of the relationship Being consumed with thoughts of getting out of the relationship Having difficulty with self-disclosure Constantly worrying about loss of autonomy Thinking “No one is good enough” Often feeling like a regular connection is “too clingy”

Secure Attachment Is able to be away from a partner comfortably Regulates emotions during disputes Has a healthy sense of self Is comfortable sharing feelings Allows others to express feelings without overreacting

Difficulty being vulnerable with others Unwilling to ask for help Preference for doing things without help Discomfort with being attached to others Purposeful, emotional distance Persistent feelings of loneliness Inability to identify and acknowledge feelings

Shame and Guilt After Trauma Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. —Brené Brown

SELF-CARE If you’ve experienced codependency, sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, or physical neglect, you may have challenges with caring for yourself. Taking care of yourself looks like Setting manageable expectations around caring and being present for others Maintaining your mental health Operating in your role as child instead of parent to your parents Operating in your role as sibling instead of parent to your siblings Asking for what you need Spending holidays doing things that you enjoy Giving people the space to care for themselves Checking in less often with people who drain your energy Figuring out who you are separately from what you were made to believe about yourself Not using your past as a reason to avoid proceeding with life Talking about your feelings Allowing yourself to feel pleasure Sharing the truth of your past without sugarcoating your experience Being gentle with yourself Teaching yourself things that you weren’t taught in childhood Learning to enjoy your body

If you’re in a relationship with someone who has attachment issues, instead of just accepting what you see, challenge it. Name what you’re observing. It might even be okay to share your hypothesis of the other person’s behavior. If you don’t speak up, the relationship will remain unhealthy unless and until the underlying issues are addressed.

The Significance of Having Boundaries with Yourself It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behavior. You have a new goal and a new plan, but you haven’t changed who you are. —James Clear

Here is a list of some areas where self-boundaries are helpful: Your finances Your time management Your self-care The treatment you allow from others Your thoughts (yes, you can stop talking to yourself in an unkind way, just like you might stop someone else from being mean to you) Your reactions The people you allow in your life

“I will save 10 percent before buying myself something new.” “I will create a budget for my spending and use the budget as a guide to curb impulse purchases.” “I will not spend more without having money saved, even if I earn more.”

Boundaries to Consider I admit to myself that I can’t do everything. I will stop trying to do everything and ease into doing what I can without overbooking myself. I will check my calendar before I say yes to any request. I plan to be on time by giving myself more time than I need. I delegate what I can, especially the things I don’t need to do myself. I put myself on a schedule, write the schedule down, and stick to it religiously. I plan my day. I put realistic plans into place to avoid distractions.

Boundaries to Consider I say no to things I don’t like. I say no to things that don’t contribute to my growth. I say no to things that rob me of valuable time. I spend time around healthy people. I reduce my interactions with people who drain my energy. I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity. I practice positive self-talk. I allow myself to feel and not judge my feelings. I forgive myself when I make a mistake. I actively cultivate the best version of myself. I turn off my phone when appropriate. I sleep when I’m tired. I mind my business. I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me. I create space for activities that bring me joy. I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them. I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me.

Boundaries to Consider When people raise their voice at me, I tell them it’s not okay. I address issues when they arise instead of allowing them to fester. When a boundary is violated, I clearly define my expectations for communication in the beginning and throughout my relationships. Example: “I’d prefer if we talked about serious matters in person instead of over text.” When I notice that someone is trying to manipulate me by intentionally trying to guilt me or pushing my boundaries, I recognize it as manipulation and uphold my boundaries. When someone says something about me that isn’t true, I immediately correct them. Example: They might say, “You’re always late.” You might respond: “I was late today. However, there are other times, such as ____, when I’ve been on time.” Don’t argue; just state what you know to be true.

Boundaries to Consider I speak to myself as gently as I would talk to a small child. I coach myself through awkward moments. I allow myself to make mistakes without judging myself harshly. I don’t call myself names. I don’t make mean comments about myself either in my mind or out loud in front of others.

Boundaries to Consider I don’t hit people or any property when I’m upset. If I feel the need to cry, I allow myself to do so. When I get agitated, I remove myself from the situation and practice my breathing until I feel calm.

Boundaries to Consider I create an idea of the type of people I want in my life. When I notice issues in my relationships, I honor myself by speaking up.

If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either.

Consider this: When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy, you are taking time away from yourself. When you get distracted with other people’s stuff, you take time away from yourself. When you spend time that you don’t have to spare, you take time away from your goals.

Saying yes to yourself may look like Foregoing an extra hour of television when you know you need to get up early Staying hydrated Saying no to invitations you don’t wish to honor Adhering to a monthly budget Taking regular breaks and not working yourself to the bone Going on affordable vacations Allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad Setting a “do not disturb” on your phone after 8:00 p.m. Taking care of your physical health by going to the doctor and taking medication as prescribed Taking care of your mental health by going to therapy Resting when your body needs it Reading for pleasure, not with the intent to learn or grow a new skill Finding healthy ways to manage your emotions Maintaining good financial habits like paying bills on time and not racking up debt from buying things you don’t need or things that can wait until you can truly afford them

Self-sabotage Procrastinating Getting close to a goal and quitting Staying in relationships that are unhealthy Not keeping your word to yourself Setting unrealistic goals Not trying Carrying a negative narrative (story) about yourself and your abilities

Consistency Is Key From time to time, you may not honor your boundaries. But when you find yourself in a rut, get out. I know that sounds easier said than done, but remember that you don’t have to commit to staying down. The moment that you begin to notice that you aren’t honoring your boundaries, get right back to keeping your word to yourself.

The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity. It’s one thing to say I’m the type of person who wants this. It’s something very different to say I’m the type of person who is this. —James Clear, Atomic Habits

You Become an Adult When You Set Boundaries with Your Parents

Yet when you don’t set boundaries with your parents, you are the one who becomes disappointed, resentful, and anxious. At some point, it’s healthy for all adults to ask themselves, “What do I want?”

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your Parents Your parents are aware of intimate details of your relationship (particularly if they’re causing harm in the relationship). Your parents are involved with disputes you have with others. Your parents don’t respect your opinion. Your parents enter your personal space without asking. Your parents insist that you say yes to everything. You say yes to your parents out of obligation even when it’s inconvenient.

Important Reminders Be gentle with your partner as they learn to set boundaries with their parents. It’s okay to share your boundary with your in-law if your partner doesn’t do so. Don’t allow boundary violations to go on too long without intervening.

Signs That You Need Boundaries with Your Other Family Members They use guilt trips as a way to get you to do what they want. They share personal stories that cause you to feel embarrassed. They are involved in whom you choose to date. They have no filter in the opinions they share about you. They gossip to you about other family members. They share your personal business with other family members. They push you to live a lifestyle unlike the one you want to live. You have codependent relationships with them. Your relationships are enmeshed.

Important Reminders You may be the first in your family to set boundaries; remember that doing something different may elicit an unwelcome response. Setting boundaries will shift how other people see you.

Having boundaries helps children feel safer. Despite their opposition, they benefit from rules and structure, and limits are essential to teach them how to treat others and have healthy relationships.

Adults need to remember that kids Have feelings and benefit significantly from being allowed to explore and express those feelings Are impacted by the things that adults expose them to Are affected by how adults respond to their problems Hold memories about how adults made them feel Aren’t companions or confidants Lack the mental capacity to appropriately manage adult issues, no matter what their behavior reflects Have boundaries