Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Setting limits with family is particularly challenging. For years, your family has grown accustomed to you acting a certain way and playing a particular role. Change becomes necessary when you no longer want a situation to stay the way it has been. As difficult as it might seem, improving boundaries with your family is likely to create better relationships with them.

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s vital to know What is the plan for the relationship? Do you have similar values? Are there any issues that are deal-breakers? How will you handle disputes? What is acceptable within the relationship? What unique rules do you want to implement for the relationship?

Poor Communication Is the Leading Cause of Divorce and Breakups

Fidelity Is your relationship monogamous? What does monogamy mean? What does cheating look like? What’s the consequence if someone cheats?

Finances How will you manage your money in the relationship? Who is responsible for paying which bill? What are your short-term and long-term financial goals? Will you have joint or separate bank and brokerage accounts? Do either or both of you have financial issues? How will you address financial issues if they arise?

Household Who is responsible for doing which task? How will tasks be divided so that they don’t fall on one person? How can you work together to meet the needs of your home?

Kids Do you want kids? How many kids do you want? What is your parenting style, or what do you think it will be? How will you approach disagreements related to kids? How will you maintain your relationship with your partner once children arrive?

Outside Forces How do you handle issues with your partner’s family? What happens when you disagree with how your partner handled an issue? Is it okay to talk about your relationship with people outside the relationship? If so, whom? How do you protect your relationship from others?

Assertiveness Minimizes Miscommunication and Recurring Arguments

past.” A reasonable request might sound like “If you bring up the past, I will verbalize that you’re crossing a boundary, and I will redirect the conversation.”

If you’re single, ask yourself: What are my top five needs in a relationship? When will I communicate my boundaries? How will I naturally communicate them? What issues will be hardest for me to set boundaries for? How would I like a potential partner to receive my boundaries?

If you’re in a relationship, ask yourself: What are my top five needs in my relationship? Is my partner aware of my needs? What is the biggest issue in my relationship? Have I set any boundaries with my partner? Am I honoring the boundaries I set with my partner? In what new ways can I share my boundaries with my partner?

Set a Boundary or Suffer the Consequences of Not Setting One

It wasn’t my job to tell my friend she was wrong, but I also didn’t have to listen to her whine about how others had wronged her.

Signs of a Healthy Friendship Your friend wants to see you grow. The friendship is mutually supportive. The friendship is mutually beneficial. Your friendship evolves as you evolve. You understand how to support each other. Setting boundaries doesn’t threaten the friendship. Your friend is happy for you to be yourself. Your friend acknowledges your quirks and works around them. You can talk to your friend about your feelings.

Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship The relationship is competitive. You exhibit your worst behavior when you’re with your friend. You feel emotionally drained after connecting with your friend. Your friend tries to embarrass you in front of others. You don’t have anything in common. Your friend shares details of your personal life with others. The friendship is not reciprocal (i.e., you give more than you receive). You’re unable to work through disagreements. Your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries. The relationship is enmeshed/codependent.

Ways to Deal with a Chronic Complainer Empathize when appropriate. Redirect the conversation by changing the subject. Be intentional in your dialogue, and stay on topic. Lead by example; don’t complain. Ask before offering an opinion, and be mindful of whether the person can handle the truth. Don’t be dismissive (e.g., “It isn’t so bad” or “You’ll get over it”). After you’ve done all you can, draw a clear boundary around the time allotted for the conversation and how often you will talk.

You Are Not a Therapist—You’re a Friend Unfortunately, in friendships, there’s often an expectation that we can talk about all things. This expectation sets many of us up for disappointment, because no one knows everything about every topic. Instead, friends offer 100 percent biased advice based on their own experience.

Times that you may want to refer someone to a therapist include the following: Your friend seems stuck on a specific issue, talking about it over and over. Your friend discusses unresolved trauma. Your friend is experiencing prolonged grief. Your friend is a danger to themselves or others. You notice symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues. Your friend is talking about their relationship, and you feel inept at helping.

We are not indebted to anyone in this life. We are accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.

Being healthy will require you to Eliminate toxic people from your life Minimize the frequency of your interactions with unhealthy people Do things alone rather than with unhealthy people Make hard choices about how you choose to spend your time Try something different because the same approach yields the same results Set clear expectations at the beginning of a new friendship Build new relationships with healthy people Repeat your boundaries more than once (or move on because people are unwilling/unable to honor yours)

These things may need to happen before you leave an unhealthy relationship: You may need to give up trying to think of ways to fix something that can’t be fixed. You may need to get tired of talking to your friends about the same problems. You may need to get tired of having values that you aren’t honoring. You may need to ask for what you want, see it happen temporarily, and notice that the changes are short-lived. You may need to figure out how to exist without this person in your life. You may need to realize that the bad outweighs the good. You may need to be honest with yourself about how the relationship is impacting your wellness.

Friendships are ended in the following ways: Ghosting, which is vanishing from the relationship with no explanation, not answering calls, and ignoring all attempts to connect. Some people feel most comfortable with this form of passive communication if the other person is likely to allow them to walk away quietly without confrontation. Not quite recovering from a massive blowup but keeping the friendship alive on life support. Basically, it’s sort of over, but there’s some occasional interaction. Allowing things to fizzle out quietly. This method is preferred by many because nothing has to be said or done. It’s an amicable agreement to take time and space away from the relationship. Having a conversation to air out frustrations and verbalize openly that the relationship is over.

But before you leave a job or relationship, it’s always important to first consider these questions: “Have I tried setting any boundaries?” “In what ways do I contribute to this situation?” “What can I do to make this situation healthier?”

Set On-the-Job Boundaries At work, as in the rest of life, it isn’t realistic to try to get your needs met through waiting for situations to improve magically.

be assertive instead of aggressive, by saying things such as “Let’s chat during lunch. I have a few projects I need to push through.” “I have a lot of things on my plate, so I can’t help you with your project.”

Boundaries for Janine Say no to requests for assistance from coworkers. Stop participating in office gossip. When office gossip is brought up, make a clear statement about disinterest. Say no to requests for after-work gatherings (when she genuinely doesn’t want to attend). Before agreeing to new projects from her boss, allow others to work on it when possible and/or delegate the tasks to others.

Boundary issues at work look like Doing work for others Being asked about personal issues Taking on more than you can handle Not delegating Flirting Working without pay Not taking advantage of vacation days Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete Engaging in stressful interactions Working during downtime Doing jobs intended for more than one person Not taking needed time off

Boundaries are not common sense; they’re taught.

A toxic environment might include Working long hours Gossiping by several people Not being paid for additional work Cliques among coworkers Being mandated to complete more work in a limited time frame Negative communication among peers or superiors A narcissistic boss Being bullied Being sexually harassed Being mistreated based on race, physical ability, or sexual orientation

It’s also important to remember that you don’t have to join in the toxicity. If you’re in a toxic work environment, try this: Consider which boundaries might be the most helpful. Identify healthy people in the toxic environment. Document, document, document your issues with dates and times. If your boss isn’t part of the problem, talk to your boss. Speak up about your needs in meetings, to superiors, and with coworkers. Talk to Human Resources about the office culture. Find support outside the office to manage your work-related stress, such as talking to a therapist.

Here is a list of things I do to limit the possibility of burnout: I have a cap of fifteen to twenty clients per week. I have three days dedicated to seeing clients, and the other two days I write or work on other projects. I see clients only within my niche (relationship issues). Before taking on new clients, I speak to them to see if we align energetically. I share my boundaries with my clients about how to contact me after hours. On the days I see clients, I’m intentional about managing my energy, such as avoiding potentially draining conversations outside work. I spend a few minutes before my first session in quiet, while I consider the day and set the tone. I recognize that I don’t have to be a therapist outside of work hours, so I don’t counsel people off the clock. I see a therapist myself to process issues as they come up in my life. I go on several vacations throughout the year.

How to Set Boundaries at Work Identify the areas where boundaries are needed. You can uncover these by tuning in to your feelings. What’s causing you to stay later?

If at all possible, do your work only at work/only during work hours. Give yourself permission to have boundaries at work. Just because you’re at work doesn’t mean you can’t set limits. Holding back about what you need will create resentment toward your coworkers and employer. Don’t let issues go too far before you decide to set boundaries. Start setting them right at the onset of possible issues. Teach others how to respect your boundaries by being consistent with respecting them yourself. If you choose to declare your expectations, be clear and up front.

Boundaries at work sound like “I won’t be able to take on any additional projects.” “I cannot work past five o’clock.” “I don’t check work emails while on vacation.” “I need more assistance with my workload.” “I don’t talk about personal subjects at work. It makes me uncomfortable.” “If you want to chat, let’s have lunch together; that way, I can focus on our conversation.” “Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you this weekend, but I won’t be able to make it.” “I don’t want to grab drinks after work, but how about going to a yoga class?” “I’m not available to help you with your request after hours. I like to focus my time on my family.” In the case of work, it’s okay to provide details about why you’re saying no, such as “I won’t be able to assist on this project because I’m helping ____ on their project.”

Boundaries in the office look like Trying not to eat lunch at your desk, but if you do, don’t work while eating lunch Being direct about ending conversations that distract you from working Arriving at work on time Leaving work on time Minimizing distractions such as texting and calls to family and friends during the workday, as these exchanges prevent you from finishing your work on time Taking a nap on your lunch break; studies show that taking naps improves willpower...

If You Regularly Check Your Phone Keep your phone out of reach. Put it on the charger in another room. Practice turning it off for a few hours a day. Intentionally plan times to engage on social media, and decide on times when social media is off-limits.

If You Spend Excessive Amounts of Time on Social Media Track your usage. iPhones allow you to set a social media time limit, and once you reach your limit, you will be logged out of all social media apps or prompted if you want to override the limit.

Kids Using Devices Kids will inevitably use devices, but adults are responsible for creating boundaries around how devices can and should be used. Possible Boundaries Do not allow devices at dinnertime. Do not allow while doing homework unless it’s being used for the assignment. Do not allow devices after a specific time on nights and weekends. Incorporate movement breaks in between time spent on devices. Use parental-control apps. Monitor social media usage. Remove televisions from kids’ bedrooms. Model appropriate device usage for children. Watch along with your kids, and talk to them about the content they’re viewing. Talk to them about proper usage versus inappropriate usage.

Lala Milan, an Instagram influencer with more than three million followers, says it took her six hours to record and edit a sixty-second video. Companies are even starting to create social media photo experiences to appeal to people who crave the perfect photo opportunity.

Limit your access by not keeping multiple chargers in multiple spaces. Let your phone die. Use the time while it’s charging to recharge yourself. Use the screen-time feature on your phone to monitor your usage. Erase nonessential apps. Any app not used in the last month isn’t essential. Turn off notifications. Alerts trigger you to pick up your phone. Create rules about phone usage. Start big, and decrease weekly until you’re comfortable with the amount of time you spend on your phone. Unfriend people who aren’t real friends. Unfollow people who make you feel bad about yourself.

The second (and my personal favorite) agreement from the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is “Do not take anything personally.”

People with boundaries sleep better. People with boundaries experience less burnout. People with boundaries have healthier relationships that tend to last longer. People with boundaries experience less stress. People with boundaries feel more joyful. People with boundaries benefit from the short- and long-term value of setting them.