Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Here are a few ways to honor your time boundaries: Before you say yes to a request, check your calendar to make sure you’re not overcommitting. Don’t try to squeeze in another event or task, or you’ll be upset about doing so. When you’re busy, allow calls to go to voicemail and texts or emails to go unread until it’s convenient for you to respond.

People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

Boundary violations fall into two categories: Little “b”: Micro boundary violations are small violations that often occur in everyday encounters, as opposed to long-term relationships.

Big “B”: Macro boundary violations are big violations that erode the fabric of our relationships with others.

Microaggressions are considered harmless by the deliverer. However, microaggressions are harmful expressions of a more in-depth belief system. Though seemingly small, they have a huge impact.

People who use guilt trips are trying to get their needs met, but their needs may violate the requirements you have for yourself.

Big “B” Macroaggressions Boundary violations that disrupt the fabric of a relationship are in the macro category. While violations occur routinely as a part of the relationship dynamic, macro violations, such as enmeshment, codependency, trauma bonding, and counterdependency can cause long-term damage.

This is enmeshment: Inability to be different from the other in a relationship Lack of individual identity Unclear sense of self separate from the other person Lack of boundaries Confusion between the quantity of time spent together versus the quality of the time spent together Oversharing Absorbing the emotions of the other person as your own Rejection by the other person if you attempt to form an individual identity

Boundaries for Enmeshment If you agree to help, ask how they plan to handle their problems in the future. Allow for physical space in the relationship. Assess your need for constant contact with another person. Bring other people into the mix to create additional support. Before you share, ask if it’s the appropriate time and setting. Reclaim or create your self-identity, separate from anyone else’s.

Codependency In codependent relationships, we believe we must help people avoid consequences, saving them from unpleasant experiences. We think it’s our role to protect them. But rather than protect, we enable the other person to continue their unhealthy behavior. We see the person we’re enabling as helpless and unable to take care of themselves without us.

This is codependency: Overextending yourself Avoiding discussions about real issues or problems Cleaning up the mess that others created for themselves Making excuses for the poor behavior of others Tending to other people’s needs and neglecting your own Doing things for people instead of helping them do things for themselves Taking care of people with toxic behaviors Feeling as if when something happens to other people, it’s happening to you Describing other people’s problems as if they’re your own Having difficulty existing in relationships without becoming “the rescuer” Troubleshooting problems for others before thinking of your own issues Letting people rely on you in an unhealthy way Having one-sided relationships

Boundaries for Codependency Set clear expectations with regard to how you can help. Provide feedback about how the other person’s behaviors are affecting you. Support people without doing things for them. Wait for people to ask for help instead of offering before they ask. Honor your commitment to yourself about what you will and will not tolerate in relationships. Be vocal about toxic behaviors you observe. Take care of yourself. Hold people accountable for caring for themselves. Help while teaching people how to help themselves.

Trauma Bonding Trauma bonding happens as a result of emotional and intellectual boundary violations. Over time, a person is manipulated into believing that in some way they deserve what’s happening to them. They think what’s done to them is by accident or not intended to harm.

This is trauma bonding: Being made to believe that everything is your fault (gaslighting) Breaking up and then going back to unhealthy relationships Making excuses for the other person’s poor behavior toward you Feeling like you can’t get out of a toxic relationship Cycling from harsh treatment to kindness Not telling others how you’re treated in your relationship because you fear they will see it as abuse Not standing up to someone who mistreats you

Boundaries for Trauma Bonding Be clear about how you expect to be treated. Stop people immediately when they say something mean or something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell them “What you said makes me feel uncomfortable.” Share your relationship issues only with people you trust. Act early when you notice a pattern forming.

Counterdependency Counterdependency happens when we develop rigid boundaries to keep people at an emotional distance.

This is counterdependency: Difficulty being vulnerable Inability to ask for help Discomfort accepting help from others Disinterest in the lives of others Preference for doing things yourself Fearful of being close to others Emotional distance Quickly feeling overwhelmed when people are vulnerable Pushing people away when things become too serious Constant feelings of loneliness

Boundaries for Counterdependency Practice sharing details of your life with others. Tell people how they make you feel. Ask for help. Accept help if someone offers.

You don’t have to be boundaryless to be loved.

More examples of passiveness: Having an issue but not saying anything Allowing people to do and say things with which you disagree Ignoring things that are triggering for you

More examples of aggressiveness: Demeaning others to make your point Using yelling, name-calling, and cursing as tactics to convey your opinion Using the past to shame people Being loud and wrong (making up “facts” to pretend to be right) Confronting people to pick a fight Using cynical humor to ridicule, such as “You’re fat! You know I’m just joking; stop being so sensitive.”

More examples of passive-aggressiveness: Appearing upset but refusing to admit it Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation Being moody for no known reason (often) Bringing up issues from the past Engaging in problem-focused complaining Gossiping about things you could fix but have no intention of addressing

More examples of manipulation: Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you (gaslighting) Asking for help at the last minute and informing you that they have no other options Telling a story that’s intended to evoke pity Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behavior Using your relationship with them as a reason that you “should” do certain things; for example, “wives should cook,” or “you should see your mother every day.”

More examples of assertiveness: Saying no to anything you don’t want to do Telling people how you feel as a result of their behavior Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences Responding in the moment Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you have issues with Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out

Step #1 Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone—don’t yell or whisper. People will miss the boundary if you use complicated words or jargon. Take a deep, deep breath, and focus on being precise. Step #2 Directly state your need or request, or say no. Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.

Step #3 Dealing with the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them. It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.

If you’re feeling guilty, here are some reminders: It’s healthy for you to have boundaries. Other people have boundaries that you respect. Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship. If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.

Ways to Communicate Boundaries In Current Relationships Identify the areas in which you need limits. State your needs clearly. Don’t explain yourself or provide a detailed story about what’s behind your request. Be consistent in upholding your boundaries. Restate your needs when necessary. In New Relationships Mention what you want casually in conversations as you’re getting to know people. Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you. Be clear about your expectations. The first time someone violates your boundaries, let them know that a violation occurred. Restate your needs.

Here are a few examples of people being difficult when you try to set a boundary: Pushback They ignore that you mentioned a boundary and continue to do what they want. Testing Limits They try to sneak, manipulate, or get one past you. They attempt to do what they want, but in a way you might not notice. Rationalizing and Questioning They challenge the reason for your boundary and its validity. Defensiveness They challenge what you said or your character, or make excuses about how their behavior is okay. Silent Treatment They stop talking to you because they didn’t like what you said. This tactic is used with the hope that you’ll take back your boundary.

For example, when someone violates your boundary, you can: Assertively restate it. Correct the violation in real time. Don’t let the opportunity pass and then mention it later. Say it in the moment. Accept that they, although difficult, are entitled to their response even if it’s different from the one you’d like. Decide not to take it personally. They want to do what they want to do. You’re asking them to do something uncomfortable that’s likely difficult for them. Manage your discomfort.

Boundary Statements: I Want . . . , I Need . . . , I Expect . . . The best boundaries are easy to understand. Starting statements with “I need,” “I want,” or “I expect” helps you stay grounded in the truth of who you are. Here are some “I want” statement examples: I want you to stop asking me when I’m going to get married and have kids. I want you to ask me what I’m feeling instead of assuming what I’m feeling. Here are some “I need” statement examples: I need you to pick up the cake for my party on time. I need you to call me before you stop by. Here are some “I expect” statement examples: I expect you to show up at my graduation. I expect you to return my car with a full tank of gas.

Common Reasons People Don’t Respect Boundaries You aren’t upholding your boundaries with them. You didn’t speak in a firm tone. You didn’t state a need or an expectation. Your boundaries are flexible. One minute, they’re serious; the next, they aren’t. You assume people will self-correct even if you don’t tell them what you need or want. You believe that stating your boundary once should be enough. You apologize for having boundaries. You issue consequences and don’t stick to them.

Quick Tips for Handling Boundary Violations Tip #1 Speak up in the moment.

Tip #2 Verbalize your boundaries with others.

Tip #3 If someone violates a boundary you’ve already verbalized, tell them how the violation makes you feel. Then restate what you expect.

Tip #4 Don’t let people slide—not even once.

Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life.

Blurred boundaries occur when we aren’t explicitly clear about what we want, need, or expect from the other person. Instead of being direct, we may gossip or tell others what we want. We may infringe on the boundaries of others by offering unsolicited advice about how they should engage with people or by pushing our values on the other person.

The bottom line is that blurred boundaries aren’t an advantageous way to effect change in our relationships.

Blurred-Boundaries Breakdown #1: Gossiping In some relationships, it’s customary to use gossip as a way to connect, especially with people we don’t know well. Malicious gossip is when we make disparaging comments or divulge personal details about someone to whom we’re close.

In sharing personal details about another person, we passive-aggressively harm their reputation.

#2: Telling People How to Live Their Lives Sometimes, help (solicited or unsolicited) from others comes with strings attached—“I get to tell you how to live your life.” When we share a problem with someone, they may consider it helpful if they say, “You need to ____.”

“My absolute favorite question anyone asks me when I’m struggling is, ‘Do you want empathy or a strategy right now?’”

#3: Instructing Others as to What They Should and Shouldn’t Tolerate in Relationships “If it were me, I would ____.” In relationships, we’re all able to withstand different things on different levels. When we share what we would do if ____, it denies the other person the opportunity to decide their own boundaries.

#4: Pushing Your Values on Others According to Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: “To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door.

There is no belief so strong that it cannot be set aside temporarily to learn from someone who disagrees. Don’t worry; your beliefs will still be there when you’re done.” Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but someone else’s opinion about your life isn’t more valuable than your own.

Reducing Your Interactions One of the six boundary areas is time. How often and when you give your time to others is your choice. You don’t have to offer your time freely to people you find emotionally draining.

Issuing Ultimatums An ultimatum is a choice given to another to either change or submit to a designated consequence.

Ultimatums are healthy when you use them as a tool to execute and follow through on your boundaries, attaching them to reasonable consequences like the ones above.

Unhealthy Ultimatums “We need to have kids or else.” “If you go out with your friends, I’m not talking to you for the rest of the week.” “If you don’t work late tonight, I’m not giving you the time off that you requested.”