22 Talk SHIFTs: Tools to Transform Leadership in Business, in Partnership, and in Life

by Krister Ungerböck

Criticism, appreciation, and praise are the currency of emotional power.

appreciation and criticism affect our mental state and well-being.

How we navigate the power balance in any relationship can be important, but this is especially potent in relationships where there is a gap between the emotional and financial power that each person holds.

The 22 TalkSHIFTs are tools to change the tone in your relationships, your team, and your family. They help us communicate more openly and honestly. They are tools for compassionate communication that can end fear-fueled silence. These tools will transform your relationships and your career (or the career of someone you love).

Visit www.TalkSHIFT.com/TV for instructions on how to watch on your TV or mobile device.

secret that I learned was this: little language changes make a big difference.

When you change the words you say to others, you’ll change the words they say back to you.

What became apparent to me was how often dysfunctional communication patterns are tolerated—sometimes even celebrated—in the workplace.

research shows is that the person who leaves often decided to leave years before. By the time they say, “I’m leaving,” they’re already mentally gone. Isn’t it often the same with employees? After all, most unhappy employees don’t quit and leave; they quit and stay. Unfortunately, quitting and staying is quite common in marriages too.

The TalkSHIFTs are a collection of communication shifts that impact how we relate to others.

A shift is different from a change. Change is slow and, often, temporary. A shift is immediate.

Zoom invited our coworkers into our living rooms and our lives—tearing down the walls between our personal and professional worlds.

Work-from-home is here to stay, and our increased presence at home creates more opportunities for communication to erode—or enhance—our relationships.

For the most part, the highly engaged people working for companies with great cultures don’t leave to work for companies with bad cultures. So, if you’re already among the companies leading with employee engagement, how do you compete for talent?

Employee connection doesn’t just work for employees—it works for shareholders too.

If compassionate communication is to relieve others’ distress, how do we do it? By asking them what they need, like this:

How can I support you? What ideas do you have for ways that I could support you? What support do you need from me or another member of the family? What support do you need from others on the team or from the organization?

may simply be too overwhelmed to know what support they need. Ask yourself, “If I were in their shoes, what support would I need?”

When you get started asking this question, it’s often helpful to offer the person two or three ideas as a multiple-choice question of sorts, like this: “How can I support you? For example, we could shift tasks to another team member, adjust deadlines, or take any other suggestions you may have.” When you offer your support, it’s important to let go of any expectation that you will get something in return. Ironically, when you genuinely let go of any expectations, you set yourself up for the reverse SHIFT.

You can reverse this shift and ask for the support you need, like this: “I have a couple of ideas for how you could support me. Would you mind if I share them?”

Reverse SHIFTs are for everyone, including people who don’t hold leadership titles. TalkSHIFTs are not only used by leaders to “build better bosses—and become one”; you can also use them to build your current boss into a better one. Even more important—overachievers, take note here—as a leader in a team or in a family, when you grant permission to others to use the reverse SHIFTs with you, then you’ll accelerate not only your own shift but also the shift of those around you.

So, who benefits most from employee connection? Leaders. Leaders like you.

People who demonstrate leadership in relationships focus on building on others’ strengths and overcoming their own weaknesses.

Consider the possibility that—while your weaknesses may be “tolerated” because of the end results you achieve—people around you may prefer to work for someone who doesn’t generate the stress that your weaknesses create.

creativity taken too far often looks like starting lots of projects and finishing nothing.

You can access the full assessment at www.TalkSHIFT.com/assessment.

How others score you confidentially is often more important than how you score yourself.

When you ask for feedback from others about your words, our research shows that most people begin to think about their words.

condescending.

‘You MUST do this. You SHOULD do that…’

The modal verbs to be wary of are can, must, should, could, and would.

indirect suggestions or judgments. Consider the following: You should arrive earlier. You could arrive earlier. If you would have arrived earlier, we would not have been late. You must arrive earlier. Note: The phrases you need to and you have to are not modals, but they are similar to must and are best avoided.

but most of the time, these words are “bossy,” arrogant, and/or simply annoying.

You can eliminate them or replace them with the word please or consider.

The problem is that most people don’t want to be directed to behave according to the wishes of someone else. And, when stated this way, we never actually get confirmation from the other person that they agree to comply with our request.

the ongoing use of these words implies a power structure where one is making demands of the other. That is rarely, if ever, a desirable dynamic.

An even more powerful TalkSHIFT is to combine a request for commitment, such as: How committed are you to arriving earlier next time? How open are you to the possibility of arriving early next time?

The TalkSHIFTs are language tools for respectful and compassionate conversations. People who practice these communication tools find they eventually are used with ease, as with mastery of any new language.

I realized that my words were—unintentionally—not aligned with my intentions. My words brought a completely different outcome than the one I greatly desired.

become hyperaware of every time you hear the words should or need to—either in your speech or in someone else’s. You’ll notice that it happens all the time. Once you become aware of it, this shift will become much easier to make.

It is especially important to avoid using them in emotionally charged conversations.

I developed more respect for Greg that day than I had for the other employees who agreed with me all the time. Often employees believe that disagreeing with a boss or leader can be a “career-limiting move,” but in this instance, it was something that differentiated Greg.

“Thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate that you told me and that you were direct. I recognize that it took a lot of courage to say that, and I want to acknowledge that.”

The first step to establishing safety is to have a conversation about how to have difficult conversations.

I used my own tactic of sharing a story about how much respect I had for Greg when he respectfully disagreed with me in a meeting. This can begin establishing safety.

make an explicit commitment that there will be no consequences if the person shares ...

I might respond instinctively. A better response is for me to think about it before responding. You have my permission to let me know if my response is defensive or in some way discourages you from offering candid feedback in the future.”

I would request that you say, ‘I would like to share something that may be difficult for you to hear. When is a good time and place for me to share it with you?’”

The most important thing when you hear difficult feedback is to encourage it in the moment. Acknowledge and thank the person for their courage.

When you’re caught off guard by some especially painful feedback, the best response is simply to thank them and say, “I’d like to think about that for a couple of days. Can I come back to you after I’ve had a chance to consider it?”