22 Talk SHIFTs: Tools to Transform Leadership in Business, in Partnership, and in Life

by Krister Ungerböck

In this TalkSHIFT, we’ll explore a few simple rules to follow in choosing words that are less likely to escalate emotions.

Criticism is personal, so watch for times when you find yourself saying, “You are _________.” The blank is filled with a judgmental adjective

that is perceived as negative by the listener.

This doesn’t cushion it at all because you are basically confirming that you are making a judgment.

Even more damaging, sometimes a criticism is phrased as a rhetorical question: “Are you ____________?”

Do not follow the words you are (or the rhetorical version are you) with a neg...

Critical statements (criticism) typically focus on who or what someone is, and noncritical statements (feedba...

Equally important to watching your usage of you are is to watch for the words always and never. When we couple the words always or never with a behavior, it converts feedback into criticism.

We often use criticism to make ourselves feel bigger—by making others feel small. The real result is that both people end up feeling small.

When family conflict erupts, companies—and the careers created by them—are often incapacitated or, worse, destroyed.

I lived in the shadow of an entrepreneur who cast a constant shadow of criticism—because he wanted me to be the best I could be.

When we live a young life beaten down by criticism, we often look for ways to affirm ourselves.

Who lives in your shadow? Do you cast light on them or shade?

Sometimes, focusing on the negative comes out of fear.

not practical to focus 100 percent on the positive.

share the positive and negative in two different conversations, separated by a couple of days.

This allows the person to feel recognized and good about the work they do. They feel valued.

Wait to talk later about the areas for improvement.

if employees feel valued and you easily praise the excellent work they are doing, getting thoughtful insights about an area that needs improvement can gro...

In fact, you may discover that you don’t need to tell them the negative part at all. Maybe you can just ask them what...

Not only was it unnecessary for me to tell him what needed to be improved, but this approach saved me the time that I would have spent reading the report and preparing my comments for him.

Sometimes, the most efficient way to identify areas of improvement is simply to ask the other person what they would improve.

In some cases, you may not be the best person to share with someone where they can improve.

When you’re not the right messenger for the message, explore with the person who is, like this: Who would be in the best position to help you identify areas for improvement? If you were looking for the perfect person to share ideas for improvement in this area, what skills or experience would that person have? They might respond, “You are the best person.” And if they do, they will likely be more open to hearing your insights than they were before you asked the question.

Once they outline the type of person, if they don’t know anyone who meets those criteria, maybe you can help connect them with someone who does.

if this is an area where that person needs ongoing development, you’ve created a connection that the person can tap multiple times in the future.

According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, author of Positivity, 80 percent of people fall below the three-to-one positivity to negativity ratio in their communication with themselves and others.

learn new techniques for delivering areas for improvement

Tell me about a time when you learned about an area of improvement that impacted your performance in a positive way. How was that message delivered?

Tell me about a time when you learned about an area for improvement, but it had a negative impact on your performance. How was that message delivered? Tell me about someone who brought out the best in you. It could be someone in a work setting or someone in your personal life—a sports coach or personal mentor. What was it about that person that brought out the best in you?

I appreciate it when you _______. I’d like to acknowledge you for _______. Thank you for _______.

Every morning, write down three people for whom you are grateful. Think of the specific actions they did the day before that you appreciated. Think of the impact that these had on you or others. Maybe they saved you time or reduced your stress level. Then, record a short fifteen- to thirty-second video (or voice memo) on your phone and send it to them. Here’s a script that you can use: Hey there, I was just reflecting on things that happened yesterday that I’m grateful for. You popped into my mind. I really appreciate [insert what the person did that you appreciate]. The impact that it had was [insert the impact it had on you or others]. Recording a video is so much more powerful than saying it to the person face-to-face because it gives them something they can keep. You’ll be surprised at how many people will tell you—years later—that they listen to your message from time to time.

The difference between leading with questions and asking leading questions—and how to tell the difference.

we lead with solutions because having the answers validates us and makes us feel like we’re adding something.

Early in your career, leading with solutions gets you promoted. Busy people who are focused on hitting deadlines and doing quality work appreciate being offered solutions that save them time.

There is one group of people who prefer not to be given the solutions. Top performers—like you.

you are undermining their contribution and overall enjoyment of their work.

The higher you go in an organization, the more damaging it is to the value of your business for your organization to be dependent on you.

People tend to work much harder to make their own solutions successful. When you lead top performers with solutions, you’re harnessing only a small fraction of their potential.

Solving people’s problems for them drives them away. Solving their problem sends a subconscious message: “You can’t do this yourself. You need me to solve your problems for you.”

When we dress up our solutions as questions, this is asking leading questions. This is not the same as leading with questions.

Solutions disguised as questions almost always have a yes/no answer and begin with the words did you, do you, have you, are you, or will you.

If you disguise your solution as a question, the other person is forced to respond to tell you that they will not do that and probably to justify why they won’t do it. It creates a dynamic where two people can get locked into convincing each other rather than focusing on new solutions to which both can agree.

“Who is the person most qualified to offer you solutions? What experiences or perspective would the best person to offer suggestions have?”

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how open are you to suggestions?” Sometimes, you will have people who resist your suggestions, and simply asking them if they are open to suggestions will open them up.

the assumption of intelligence: assume that the other person is as intelligent as you are.

I assume you’ve already thought of this, but to what extent have you considered [insert your solution]? You’ve probably already thought of this, but my gut reaction is [insert your solution].

If you’ve been leading with solutions for a long time, you may need to help others break the habit of relying on you for solutions rather than thinking of solutions themselves.

How can I best support you in this conversation? Are you looking for me to give you solutions? Are you looking for me to serve as a thinking partner and ask you questions that help you clarify your own thinking and find your own solutions? Or perhaps you have a specific solution in mind, and you’re just seeking my approval and support to deliver that solution?

I have a problem. I think I have the solution, and what I am looking for from you is… approval to move forward and the resources to make it happen your suggestions for alternative solutions or improvements to my solution a sounding board to ask me questions that may clarify my thinking