Kindle Notes & Highlights
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December 27, 2021 - January 8, 2022
“Wow, that’s an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
some of these questions will help bring people to think more about what’s holding them back: What excuses are you using to avoid living your best life? What is stopping you? In what ways are you stopping yourself? Who are you hiding from? (It’s okay to answer “myself.”) What are you hiding from or hiding behind?
Before you make a request, honestly ask yourself if you are truly open to the other person declining your request. Granting permission to decline is a fundamental difference between demanding something and requesting something. If it can’t be declined, it’s not a request but a demand.
Fulfilling requests—especially ones that we don’t want to—is a relationship builder.
it’s important to acknowledge it with something like this: I would prefer not to do this, but I’m happy to do it for the good of the team. I’d rather not, but I will do it because I value you and our relationship.
Permission is a critical component of compassionate leadership.
commit to experimenting with them for the next two weeks. At first, simply notice how many outright demands you make and the words you use when you make demands.
The first step to making a request is to simply ask for help.
There’s an element of vulnerability that comes with asking for help—you
I need your help. Could you help me?
At this point, you want to give enough context to explain why you’ve chosen them and get an initial sense of their willingness level. You can explain the task in detail later. I need your help with ______________. I need your help with a technical project. I need your help with some scheduling tasks. I need your help with a challenge with a customer.
Explain why you chose them. Making a request is a great opportunity to give positive feedback or let the person know you’ve been listening.
I am asking you because I recall you said “_______________” when we spoke last month. I am asking you because you are very good at this task. I am asking you because you have expressed interest in this area. I am asking you because I know that I can trust you. I ...
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Be clear on the positives and...
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Grant permission to say no.
In sensitive situations, it’s better to be more direct about the conditions and parameters of the permission for saying no. For example, you can set the tone of the conversation: “I want you to know that it’s okay to say no or to say, ‘I’d like to think about it for a couple of days.’ If you aren’t interested in doing this, I would rather know where you stand, so I can explore other options.”
Make it easy to say no by giving them a prepackaged negative response that you think applies to them. In doing so, you are providing the negative response, and all they have to do is confirm. For example: “I know you’ve got a lot of stress right now, so I can imagine now isn’t a good time.
Respond with something similar to this: “Thank you for being honest. It takes courage to say no, and I respect that.”
While giving permission, you may say, “If you decline, I will explore other options, but there’s a possibility that the other options won’t be workable. If that becomes the case, I may ask you to do it anyway, but before I ask you to do something you aren’t interested in doing, I promise to genuinely explore other options.”
Do you want to help? Would you consider helping? Would you be willing to help? Would you be open to considering helping? (softest option)
Asking on a scale of 1 to 10 also makes it easier to decline or get a sense of someone’s commitment level. How interested are you to do this, on a scale of 1 to 10? How excited are you to do this, on a scale of 1 to 10? How committed are you to this, on a scale of 1 to 10?
How interested, excited, or committed are you to this project?
When you use multiple adjectives in a single question like the one above, it gives people more ways to say yes (or no).
“I’m not that excited about taking on extra work right now, but I’m very committed to helping you.”
granting permission to say no is just one way to grant people more autonomy.
Daniel Pink reveals in his book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, that once an employee’s basic financial needs are met (which, in the US, is roughly $75,000), autonomy becomes a primary driver of motivation and engagement.
Autonomy is freedom from external control or influence.
it brings a sense of being able to do something in our own way with both ownership and authority over the process.
Increasing autonomy frees up the leader to move on to other activities.
What do you suggest that I start or stop doing to increase your autonomy? What does micromanagement look like to you? Can you share examples of micromanagement from your work with others—or our work together?
“I’m working on increasing the level of autonomy that I grant the people who I trust.
As leaders, when we micromanage, we are sending the message, “I don’t trust you. I don’t think I can rely on you. I don’t think you are able to do this without my advice or help.”
My responsibility is to honor these boundaries, and your responsibility is to tell me when I overstep them.”
A simple way to grant more autonomy—or demonstrate trust—is to reduce the frequency of progress updates in a specific area.
A conversation template to stop setting stretch goals and start achieving them.
Great leaders encourage people to believe in themselves and achieve beyond what they previously thought was possible.
Too often, unrealistic expectations destroy our relationships.
Co-creating shared goals allows people to evaluate what they believe they reasonably can do, mixed with inspiration to do better, and go beyond what might first come to mind.
start with allowing the person to define failure by asking, “What does failure look like?”
“What would a reasonable level of success look like?
Now follow up with these questions: What are the obstacles to achieving 10 percent more? What would you need to do differently to achieve 10 percent more? Would increasing this goal by 10 percent raise the grade to an A for you? What would I—or the organization—need to do to support you to achieve 10 percent more?
“And what else happened to take this to a level of amazing results? What else did you do that was entirely within your influence or control?”
Ask them to answer the following questions in an email summarizing the conversation: What is the goal that you’re committed to accomplishing? What do you need to start doing, or stop doing, to achieve this goal? What are you committed to doing to realize that goal? What do you need from me or the organization to realize your commitment? What does an A+ look like? What would be the benefit to you if we achieve it? What dreams would you fulfill if we did?
If the person isn’t able to articulate clearly how they will achieve the goal, this is another signal to you that they aren’t committed to achieving it or that they don’t have a believable plan in mind to achieve it.
I had made criticism and negative feedback my primary means of correcting behavior,
but the long-term impacts on employees and in my family were discouragement and frustration.
Criticism is a habit. If you do it at work, you probably do it at home too.
Criticism is often confused with negative feedback. Criticism is making a negative judgment about a person’s character, while negative feedback is a judgment about a person’s behavior.
Rushing to judgment based on behavior is lazy
Criticism is all about emotions: yours and theirs.
