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January 1 - September 26, 2018
We fail to recognize that the object of our desire is causing both the anticipated pleasure and the stress.
UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: THE STRESS OF DESIRE
When you really understand how a so-called reward makes you feel, you will be best able to make smart decisions about whether and how to “reward” yourself.
We observe our intense focus, the consistent seeking of what we crave, and the willingness to work—even suffer—for what we want as evidence that the object of our desire must make us happy.
We mistake the experience of wanting for a guarantee of happiness.
The promise of reward is so powerful that we continue to pursue things that don’t make us happy, and consume things that bring us more misery than satisfaction.
Brian Wansink, director of the Cornell University Food and Brand Laboratory, demonstrated this with a trick he played on moviegoers at a Philadelphia theater.
At best, giving in takes away the anxiety that the promise of reward produces to make you want it more. But ultimately, you’re left frustrated, unsatisfied, disappointed, ashamed, tired, sick, or simply no happier than when you started.
When we free ourselves from the false promise of reward, we often find that the thing we were seeking happiness from was the main source of our misery.
WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: TEST THE PROMISE OF REWARD
A life without wants may not require as much self-control—but it’s also not a life worth living.
Adam lost all of his cravings for drugs and alcohol. His daily drug use dropped to complete abstinence, confirmed by drug tests over the following six months. This miraculous change was not a spiritual revelation or some kind of wake-up call inspired by his brush with death. According to Adam, he simply had no desire to consume the substances.
Adam lost desire, period. He could not imagine that anything would make him happy.
When our reward system is quiet, the result isn’t so much total contentment as it is apathy.
When dopamine points us to temptation, we must distinguish wanting from happiness.
In the end, desire is neither good nor bad—what matters is where we let it point us, and whether we have the wisdom to know when to follow.
Under the Microscope
Willpower Experiments
When you’re feeling down, what do you do to feel better? If you’re like most people, you turn to the promise of reward.
eating, drinking, shopping, watching television, surfing the Web, and playing video games.
More often, the things we turn to for relief end up turning on us.
Another study found that women are most likely to eat chocolate when they are feeling anxious or depressed, but the only reliable change in mood they experience from their drug of choice is an increase in guilt.
feeling bad leads to giving in,
If we want to avoid such stress-induced willpower failures, we’ll need to find a way to feel better that doesn’t require turning to temptation.
The brain, it turns out, is especially susceptible to temptation when we’re feeling bad.
So whenever you are under stress, your brain is going to point you toward whatever it thinks will make you happy.
The stress hormones released during a fight-or-flight response also increase the excitability of your dopamine neurons. That means that when you’re under stress, any temptations you run into will be even more tempting.
The promise of reward combined with the promise of relief can lead to all sorts of illogical behavior. For example, one economic survey found that women worried about their finances shop to cope with their anxiety and depression.
UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: THE PROMISE OF RELIEF
WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: TRY A STRESS-RELIEF STRATEGY THAT WORKS
Is there a way to remind your stressed-out self what actually makes you feel better? What encouragement can you create for yourself before you are stressed?
UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: WHAT’S TERRIFYING YOU?
THE WHAT - THE - HELL EFFECT: WHY GUILT DOESN’T WORK
the what-the-hell effect describes a cycle of indulgence, regret, and greater indulgence.
Crucially, it’s not the first giving-in that guarantees the bigger relapse. It’s the feelings of shame, guilt, loss of control, and loss of hope that follow the first relapse. Once you’re stuck in the cycle, it can seem like there is no way out except to keep going. This leads to even bigger willpower failures and more misery as you then berate yourself (again) for giving in (again). But the thing you’re turning to for comfort can’t stop the cycle, because it only generates more feelings of guilt.
UNDER THE MICROSCOPE : WHEN SETBACKS HAPPEN
Common sense says that the message “Everyone indulges sometimes; don’t be too hard on yourself” will only give dieters permission to eat more. And yet getting rid of guilt kept the women from overindulging in the taste test. We may think that guilt motivates us to correct our mistakes, but it’s just one more way that feeling bad leads to giving in.
As soon as I mention self-forgiveness in class, the arguments start pouring in. You would think I had just suggested that the secret to more willpower was throwing kittens in front of speeding buses.
My students commonly argue that if they are easy on themselves—that is, if they don’t focus on their failures, criticize themselves when they don’t live up to their high standards, or threaten themselves with horrible consequences if they don’t improve—they will slide into sloth.
Most of us believe this at some level—after all, we first learned to control ourselves as children through parental commands and punishment.
However, many people treat themselves like they are still children—and frankly, they act more like abusive parents than supportive caregivers.
If you think that the key to greater willpower is being harder on yourself, you are not alone. But you are wrong.
The harder they were on themselves about procrastinating the first time, the longer they procrastinated for the next exam! Forgiveness—not guilt—helped them get back on track.
Surprisingly, it’s forgiveness, not guilt, that increases accountability. Researchers have found that taking a self-compassionate point of view on a personal failure makes people more likely to take personal responsibility for the failure than when they take a self-critical point of view. They also are more willing to receive feedback and advice from others, and more likely to learn from the experience. One reason forgiveness helps people recover from mistakes is that it takes away the shame and pain of thinking about what happened. The what-the-hell effect is an attempt to escape the bad
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WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU FAIL
We all have the tendency to believe self-doubt and self-criticism, but listening to this voice never gets us closer to our goals. Instead, try on the point of view of a mentor or good friend who believes in you, wants the best for you, and will encourag e you when you feel discouraged.
UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: RESOLVING TO FEEL GOOD
WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: OPTIMISTIC PESSIMISM FOR SUCCESSFUL RESOLUTIONS
When we do experience setbacks—which we will—we need to forgive those failures, and not use them as an excuse to give in or give up. When it comes to increasing self-control, self-compassion is a far better strategy than beating ourselves up.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
6 - "What the Hell?"
