The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

by Kelly McGonigal

While not controlling their thoughts, they still had to control their behavior.

WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: ACCEPT THOSE CRAVINGS—JUST DON’T ACT ON THEM

1. Notice that you are thinking about your temptation or feeling a craving. 2. Accept the thought or feeling without trying to immediately distract yourself or argue with it. Remind yourself of the white-bear rebound effect. 3. Step back by realizing that thoughts and feelings aren’t always under your control, but you can choose whether to act on them. 4. Remember your goal. Remind yourself of whatever your commitment is, as the students reminded themselves of their agreement not to eat the Hershey’s Kisses.

WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: TURN YOUR “I WON’T” INTO “I WILL”

WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: SURF THE URGE

They ask us to remember what we really want so we can find the strength to do what is difficult.

The fact that this same basic approach helps such a wide range of willpower challenges, from depression to drug addiction, confirms that these three skills—self-awareness, self-care, and remembering what matters most—are the foundation for self-control.

Trying to control our thoughts and feelings has the opposite effect of what most people expect. And yet rather than catch on to this, most of us respond to our failures with more commitment to this misguided strategy. We try even harder to push away thoughts and feelings we don’t want to have in a vain attempt to keep our minds safe from danger. If we truly want peace of mind and better self-control, we need to accept that it is impossible to control what comes into our mind. All we can do is choose what we believe and what we act on.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

Investigate ironic rebound. Is there something you try to avoid thinking about? Does suppression work, or does trying to push something out of your mind make it come back stronger?

Feel what you feel, but don’t believe everything you think.

Accept those cravings—just don’t act on them. When a craving hits, notice it and don’t try to immediately distract yourself or argue with it. Remind yourself of the white-bear rebound effect, and remember your goal to resist.

Our human nature includes both the self that wants immediate gratification, and the self with a higher purpose. We are born to be tempted, and born to resist.

In the quest for self-control, the usual weapons we wield against ourselves—guilt, stress, and shame—don’t work.