Hello Stranger

by Jade West

A scared pang that chewed me up fresh, because Halsey was on a different train line. This was nothing to do with the Redwood line. And nothing to do with the stranger on it. Not a glimpse, not a glance, not a shiver. It didn’t matter what happened on my commuter mornings from here on in. Dr Hall wouldn’t be there.

I’d made a mistake. I’d let my own abject shock recoil me in the opposite direction, and I felt it. What I’d shown to Chloe Sutton when she’d ventured nervous footsteps onto my ward wasn’t professionalism. It was a professional veneer. No warmth or welcome, just clipped and cold. There was no smile and no Welcome, Chloe. So nice to meet you. No Chloe, welcome to the team here. We’ve met on the train, hello. I’d remedy that.

Brave New World. I smiled at that. I sensed Chloe Sutton would be a brave new part of mine. A sweet face boarding my daily life in Franklin Ward, as well as on the train. Only she didn’t get on the train at Eddington. The same faces boarded at the platform, but she wasn’t there.

“Chloe Sutton seems a nice girl. When does she move over from Kingsley?” I asked. Wendy’s expression switched in a flash. “Ah yes, about Chloe.” There was a pause. A definite pause. “She’s a little more… unsteady after yesterday. Not quite sure if she’s ready for this ward yet. I think we’ll get Rhonda Freeman over from Leadon Ward instead. She’s very good.” “Unsteady?” I asked, and I actually felt my blood run cold. “Yes, unsteady. I’m glad she ventured over here to get a feel for it herself.” It wasn’t unsteadiness that had shifted Chloe’s commitment to the new role, and I knew it. It was me.

She pointed behind me with a nod, and I spun in a flash. And there she was. Chloe. Standing there with her fingers twisting together in front of her, staring at me with those big, wide eyes. Jesus Christ, the girl was beautiful. “Chloe,” I said, and took a few steps forward. “Can I please have a minute?” She nodded, and that beautiful blush was rising high on her cheeks. She gestured somewhere off to the corridor to the side, and I followed her nervous little steps with my heart racing.

And it was awkwardly ridiculous, a bluster of small talk that meant an insane amount more than it should.

“It’s, um…” Another little dither and pause, then she took a breath. “I, um… split up with my boyfriend. I’m in Halsey now… back with my parents.” You could have knocked me down with the tiniest of feathers, right there and then, but I held it steady. Held it firm. My voice was calm when I spoke. “I’m sorry,” I told her. “It’s always unfortunate when things don’t work out how we hoped.” Her voice wasn’t calm when it came out again. It was gaspy and shy. “I’m not…” she said. “Sorry, I mean.” My eyes must have widened on hers, but I kept so still. She shrugged, and flashed the most adorable little smile I’d ever seen. “He’d say I was a boring book addict, didn’t like me reading at night.” I flashed her a smile right back. “I’m sure you’d have plenty to say about him in response.” A nod. “Yeah. Sure would.”

That little boy in me was leaping in my damn chest when I left Kingsley and charged on back across to Franklin, and I tried to push him down. I tried to scoff at his insanity and his pathetic outlook on the world, but today I couldn’t contain him. I couldn’t force him back into the depths where he belonged. The silly little fool would learn his lesson, of that I was sure. But not right then. Right then it was all about Chloe Sutton and that sweet little smile.

I never expected our longest ever conversation to be one where I was wobbly on my feet in a hospital corridor, telling him I love wolves. But I’d take it any day, all day long, just to hear his voice again.

“You look happy,” she said. “Have you had an opportunity to think about things with Franklin?” I nodded one hell of a nod. “Yeah,” I told her. “I mean I was always really keen to do the role, I just felt that maybe it wasn’t quite right for me in Franklin.” I zoomed out my words super fast. “But it is right. I know it’s right. I saw Dr Hall earlier and he told me I could go get an introduction and I want that. I really do want to take over from Gina.” She was laughing when I finished speaking, a really warm laugh that made me giggle out a giggle along with her. “Sorry,” I said. “I can get a little…” “Enthusiastic,” she finished for me. “Never apologise for that, it’s a lovely thing to see.” “Thanks.”

I dawdled, and then picked my book up ready to go. She looked at my novel intently. “Gina said you share train journeys with him. Said you share what you’ve been reading.” I shrugged. “Yeah, we both read a lot. Bookworms, I guess. Two peas in a novel reading pod.” “Excellent,” she said, but she had a weird expression. One I couldn’t quite understand. “Well, have a lovely evening. We’ll start you in Franklin next week. You have a lot of faces to meet and a lot to take in.”

It was a whole new load of wondering on top of wondering if this whole flutter of want I had for him was a hope about nothing that could ever be. Because that’s what it was. Want. I wanted him. I wanted him so bad I couldn’t stop thinking about him in bed at night, especially not now Liam was gone. Last night had been quite… intense… in a bed on my own…

Most people would say I was out of my mind. Maybe I was.

I pictured him. Dr Hall with his deep, dark eyes, and that beautiful smile – even though it only showed in flashes. I pictured his hands on novel covers, his fingers flicking the pages, and I couldn’t help myself… my own fingers slipped their way under the covers, until I felt how hot I was. How wet I was… Want.

Oh, how I wished the fingers between my legs belonged to the stranger on the train and not to me tonight.

Please, universe. Please one day make this crazy girl crazy happy and get me up close to Dr Hall. Just for a minute. Just to feel him against me one little time.

I believed in the universe with every part of my soul. It was just a shame I didn’t believe in myself to match. I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees up to my chest, and I felt that horrible little lurch in my heart. The one that could never imagine a man like Dr Hall feeling that amount of want for a girl like me. My freckles, and scars, and my imbalances. My wonky toes and my duck feet, and the way my thighs are too big against my skinny calves, and how my birthmarks make my tits look weird.

Please, universe, please let it be true.

She thanked me a lot on our way back through to Franklin’s double doors and told me how much she wanted the position with that effervescent grin on her face. It was intoxicating, just how alive that little bubble of excitement was at my side. I watched her leave, admiring her trot down the corridor back towards Kingsley, then forced myself back to the severity of my world without her in it.

I was tired. Jaded. Aching from strained legs and a strained spirit along with them. Nothing was able to pick me up.

But then it all changed. The very next Monday morning Chloe Sutton stepped onto the ward, and along with her came that sparkle of soul everywhere she turned.

Still, it wasn’t Chloe Sutton that surprised me most that week, despite the fact I’d learned to expect the unexpected wherever that girl was concerned. It wasn’t Chloe who stopped me in my tracks, jolting me into a maelstrom of shock as her first week on Franklin Ward drew to a close. It was me.

Dr Hall was polite, but quiet, barely saying a word to me outside of consultations. The difference between the doctor with his patients and the man outside of it was crazy huge. Two different pieces of a puzzle that I could never imagine fitting together.

I guess I’d watched him all the way. I guess it was obvious, too. “You like him,” she said to me. Three little words that had my heart thumping right up in my throat. “He’s… brilliant…” I gulped. “A great doctor.” My words were stupid and I knew it. Her grin told me she knew it too. “He’s not married, you know. Goes home alone.” She tipped her head at me. “Maybe you could brighten up his nights a little.” I was cold and hot both at once. Dizzy with embarrassment.

“You’ll have to be the one to do something,” she said. “There’s no way he’s ever going to make a move on you. Not since you’re half his age, and a member of his team. He’ll hardly even reach out to share a birthday card with people he’s known for years, let alone ask a lovely little thing like you out on a date.”

“Honestly,” she carried on. “You have to do something. There’s no way he’ll be the one grabbing hold of you first, not since you’re young enough to be his daughter.” She laughed again. “His very pretty daughter, who is every bit the book addict he is from the sounds of it. You’ll both be reading in bed together when you’re done with the fucking.”

I was still soaring high with that crazy flash of hope when I passed him next in the corridor, just after that Friday lunchtime. I dared to smile my very biggest smile and say a hi and got nothing back from him other than the same clipped nod as he walked by. I was deflated in a fizzle. No. Gina was wrong. He didn’t want me. Not like that. And it was ok. That’s what I told myself.

I tried get a grip of myself. I tried to tell Dr Hall I’d be ok, and to leave me to cry, but I couldn’t. My eyes met his and they held, fixing hard, even through the tears. His eyes held right back. Fixing hard. So hard and so steady. And more. There was more. Everything stopped. Right then in that moment, everything stopped. There was barely a breath moving in either of us as his arms reached out and pulled me close. I folded into him, pressing tight, and it was there. Just as I’d dreamed it would be. Just as I’d asked for, but better. Better than I’d ever believed it could be as he held my body close to his. His warmth was against me. His chest was firm. Strong. His breaths were hot against my forehead, and his arms were so solid and so right. So him.

I’d never belonged anywhere like I belonged in his arms, and I knew it. I felt it with every single scrap of my soul.

It stayed. That insanity of closeness with that beautiful girl and her beautiful heart was too strong to let go. I felt it right through me as I walked through the ward back to the Hadleys and their devastation, and it didn’t leave me. It wouldn’t leave me.

Still, it didn’t matter how much I craved her. The rush of closeness with that beautiful freckle-faced girl could never be translated into something more. She was too young, with too much of a road ahead of her. Far too precious a little beauty living her life to ever consider tying it up alongside mine.

I wondered where she was tonight, that sweet girl. I wondered if her tears had dried and she was sitting somewhere with a novel on her lap, that tatty pink bookmark gripped in the front cover. I wondered if she was thinking of me, the way I was thinking of her. Her body had fit against mine so perfectly. Heart racing and crying out for the steadiness of mine. Her cries had been so raw and so true. Her eyes filled with such genuine hurt for others’ pain. She had so much of that hurt coming, so many days ahead on the ward. The last thing I should do was add more.

No. I couldn’t do it. I’d never be able to fulfil the daughter-in-law request. Mum could plead all she liked, but she would never get that particular tick on the wall.

She shifted herself to leave, and I felt terrible as she gave me her kindest smile. Sympathy. She gave me sympathy. I didn’t want sympathy.

I was crapping myself with nerves when I headed back into the ward on Monday morning. I was aching for his touch again, and aching to talk to him properly. Aching to ask him how his weekend was, or what he’d been reading, or even how the blond bearded guy was doing on the train. Anything just to hear him speak. It didn’t happen.

There were no unexpected goodbyes to be handled on my shifts, and I got to know everyone a little better. All except him. All except the man my whole soul was screaming to know.

Nerves, you know. Nerves asked for prosecco, and the prosecco delivered. It delivered me staring over at Dr Hall, without being able to hide a peep of it anymore. It delivered me laughing along with my new hospital friends, but fluttering right through me at the thought of walking away from this chance – this one little chance at actually speaking with him. I was plucking up the courage, I really was. I was sipping away at my drinks and flashing him glances he’d flash back at me, and I was getting ready to do it. Getting ready to clear my throat and head around the table to chat with him, like it was the most natural thing of all time. But he didn’t give me the chance.

Thank you, prosecco. Please, universe, can you be a decent friend to me, as well?

Please, universe! PLEASE!

“You seem to be on the wrong train,” he said, and he knew it well and true. We both did. “Maybe I’ve made a mistake, then,” I replied, and it was the prosecco talking. For sure, it was the prosecco talking.

Please, universe, please. Please let Gina be right.

I already had my eyes closed as I took those steps towards him. I wasn’t even sure how well my lips were lined up for his when I headed for his body and pressed up tight. It would have been easy for him to step away. Easy for him to halt my motion. Easy for him to say no, Chloe, and make sure this was shelved for all time. But he didn’t. Gina was right. He kissed me back. His lips were warm, like the rest of him. Firm, like the rest of him. His chest was as solid as I remembered, his arms just as welcoming and calm. Until the kiss deepened and our mouths opened and his tongue met with mine. Until that calm turned to fire, and fire turned to want, and want turned to need. I needed him.

My arms wrapped up around his neck and I sank into him, and I felt safe there, in my prosecco haze. The train pulled away behind us, and we were left on the empty platform, kissing hard. I never wanted it to end, but it did.

Thank you, universe. Thank you. Thank you, prosecco, too.

Her hand was burning in mine, and everything with any sense in me was bellowing that I should put her in a cab and send her back to Halsey. Yet no amount of logic or reason could make me do it to myself. My feet kept on moving, step after step.

If the journey home had seemed alien, it was nothing compared to seeing that girl in my hallway, staring up at me with sparkling eyes.

Her thighs were quivering as my tongue lapped at her slit through the lace, and I realised then, in that flash of a moment, that I was lost to everything but consuming that girl.

Her head tipped back, arms raising over the back of the chair to hitch herself higher, seeking more. I gave her more.

“Feel whatever you feel, just let yourself feel it.”

His smile was different than I’d seen before when he turned and approached. His eyes were different too. Darker. More feral somehow. I’d never seen him like that. So raw. So powerful. I’d seen him in control. Calm and in control. He was permanently the most solid and confident person in all creation in the hospital, but not like this. This was a whole other kind of control. Control of me.