Hello Stranger

by Jade West

With that, the stranger held his novel up for me to see the cover. Mythago Wood. My mouth dropped open. For real, it dropped open. He’d picked up the very same novel I’d been reading. I held up my cover right back. Lavondyss. The very same novel he’d mentioned. His mouth didn’t drop open, but he was shocked too. I could see it in his eyes. I smiled, and blushed, and looked down at my lap, and it was stupid. A doofus move on my part, because with that he looked right down at his. And we were done.

I shoved Lavondyss under my arm and grabbed my bag from the seat, resigned to walking away without a word. But no. He cleared his throat as I stood, and he met my eyes as I looked his way. “Have a nice day, Chloe.” Hearing his voice was enough to light the whole grey sky outside. My smile back must have blinded him by the force. “You have a nice day, too,” I said. And then I bounded away.

I guess that’s where it started. Hello, stranger. Every morning I’d get a tickle of excitement when I stepped onto that train. Hello, I’d say, and hello, he’d say back. Over and over as I sat myself down opposite, both of us in the same seats on every ride. I’d hold my cover up and he’d hold up his, and we’d smile, and sometimes we’d comment, but that would be it. He’d drop his eyes and I’d pretend to drop mine, sitting with this weird tingly squizzle inside until Harrow. The next station is Harrow. And then I’d shove my novel under my arm and jump to my feet ready to leave, and he’d speak next. Always. Have a nice day, Chloe. I’d smile back. Always. Bright enough that I must’ve burned the whole entire carriage with the glow. You have a nice day, too.

Harrow. The next station is Harrow. Have a nice day, Chloe. Harrow. The next station is Harrow Have a nice day, Chloe.

Harrow. The next station is Harrow Have a nice day, Chloe.

Harrow. The next station is Harrow Have a nice day, Chloe.

Harrow. The next station is Harrow Have a nice day, Chloe.

Harrow. The next station is Harrow Have a nice day, Chloe.

Until it wasn’t ok. Not on the day I’d jumped on that train and my heart stopped pounding, and my squiggles turned into a whole other kind of squiggly and the grey outside stayed grey and shivery. Because my stranger was gone.

I felt strangely alone and strangely vulnerable in that seat behind the steering wheel. Strangely human, in the face of being so cold. And strangely like I wanted to be sitting back in that train seat with the freckle-faced girl sitting opposite. One day without her, and I was feeling it – void of my one flash of fantasy in the grey. I needed it. Needed her. Needed that flare of light in my own deteriorating reality.

“Why won’t you let someone love you?” she asked me. “Please, Logan, just tell me. Why won’t you let yourself fall in love?”

“Please,” she said again. “I don’t want to leave you here alone. Don’t make me, please. That’s the most important thing of all on my list, that I don’t have to leave you alone.”

one single morning without the stranger on the train was enough to drive me insane. I was petrified I’d never see him again, and it was crazy how much that scared me, since I didn’t even know his name.

I just figured the stranger would always be there, on that journey every morning. I was thinking of him every time I had a spare second. I thought about his dark eyes, and his velvety voice, and his smile, and his bookshelf and how many of the same novels we might have. But that was nothing compared to just how much I was thinking about him on that one scary day he was gone. Stupid. I was a stupid, crazy idiot.

People said I’d find it hard in there. Vickie pulled a face every time Dr Hall was mentioned in conversation. “Amazing, but… serious.” She always left the same pause between words and always had the same weird half smile on her face.

The train. The train. Where was the stranger on the train, universe? WHERE WAS HE?

“I’ve heard you’re off to replace Gina Salzaki,” she said. “Dr Hall is hot but… weird.” That same pause, and that same half smile from a different mouth. “I’ve heard that,” I said. “Everyone says so.” “You’ve seen him around? You’d probably recognise him, he looks great in a suit, and his eyes are… serious… and his hair is… obvious…” I’d heard about this. I’d heard plenty, but I was done with it. It was always the same loop of stuff, over and over, about how great he is, and how hot he is, but how weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always the same. Always. And I got it. I really got it. I thought it was great. But still, that loop of stuff didn’t mean crap to me that day.

The train, the train, the traaaaa...

I tried to remember how it felt when I loved him with all of my heart, every little piece of it. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t there.

I tried to imagine wanting him to touch me, the way I’d always wanted him to touch me. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t there. There was something else. Something that should never be. Something that sent my fingers wandering between my legs.

And it shouldn’t be him. It shouldn’t be the stranger on the train I was thinking about. But I couldn’t stop. I tried to be quiet and still. I tried to leave Liam asleep next to me. It didn’t work.

I needed to feel this. I needed to feel the love for Liam that used to give me tingles. I needed to remember that he was the one for me. The one for the rest of my life. Chloe and Liam forever. I tried.

I searched for the passion in his kiss to spur mine on, but it wasn’t there to be felt.

but I didn’t feel it. No matter how hard I tried, I didn’t feel it.

The passion in the physical was gone, and it was like that moment in The Labyrinth, when Sarah says the magic line, and you know then that the Goblin King is done, and even though you want to marry the Goblin King yourself, you still know that Sarah is done with him and utters the you have no power over me statement with that moment of mad realisation on her face. That’s what it was for me, right there in bed with Liam. You have no power over me. I’m sure I had an open mouth with the shock, and my breath caught in my throat. I was glad that I hadn’t let him have lights on for years, not wanting to show him my imperfections, because he’d have seen that moment. He’d have seen it and been wide open eyed himself.

I got this weird choke of sadness in my throat, because it was a horrible feeling – knowing in one striking moment that your dreams of spending the rest of your life with someone have been shrivelling to nothing. You’ve just been too scared to face it. He rolled off with a thanks, babe, and I knew then that it’d been shrivelling to nothing for him too. He slept. I didn’t. Well, barely anyway. I was caught up in the horror of accepting it – that me and Liam were really through.

The next morning I was petrified all over again as I made my way through that train carriage, scared shitless that the stranger wouldn’t be there. I was feeling this crazy horrible flutter about how that was it, I was doomed, even though I’m usually the most optimistic person on the planet, and always have been.

I’d been telling myself, as I galloped my way towards the station, that it was okay if he was gone, and if I never saw him again, because my life was busy and full, right? Right? It wouldn’t matter if I never saw a stranger again that I didn’t know, right? Right? I was lying to myself. It may have been stupid, and based on nothing at all, but I was lying to myself.

And then it happened. Harrow. The next station is Harrow. No. No. NO! I couldn’t do it. Not anymore. I couldn’t walk away from that train and risk that pang all over again.

He was as shocked as I was. I know he was as shocked as I was, I could see it all over his face. He walked into reception, just as I did, and I knew it then, my heart knew it before my head. Please, universe. Please, oh my God. And the universe delivered. I’d always believed in karma, and fate, and destiny, but never like this. Never actually like this. Dita Allen, the main receptionist, looked up as we stepped towards the reception hub, and she smiled. She smiled at him and held up a hand as he stepped on by. “Good morning, Dr Hall,” she said.

She hovered on the spot, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, staring over at me so intently you could have struck her down with a feather. I felt it, too. You could have struck me down with the same damn one.

I tried to brush it aside – this ridiculous shiver of fate – tried to laugh it off as nothing, right then in my head. But it’s hard when you’re staring across at the girl who’s been driving you insane for weeks, and realising that she’s been heading to the same damn building that you have, day after day.

“Do you have any idea who that was?” I asked the receptionist. She shrugged. “A nice girl, fresh to Kingsley, I think. Her name might be Chloe… she usually says hi.” “A nurse?” “Yeah, a trainee, I think.” I nodded. “Thanks.”

There was no excitement due here, that’s what I told myself. So what if the girl from the train was a nurse at the same hospital I worked at? Plenty of people worked at the same hospital I did. Plenty of nurses worked at the same hospital I did. No huge coincidence. So, why did it feel like one? Why did those shivers keep coming?

So, why did those shivers keep coming?

“Oh, Dr Hall. Of course, her name is Chloe. You’re talking about Chloe Sutton. Has someone pointed her out already? I was planning on showing her around the department early next week. I sent her files, for your approval?” She paused when I looked blank. “She’s replacing Gina.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. I must’ve turned white. As pale as a fucking ghost. “She’s replacing Gina?” She grinned at me. “Yes. Well, so long as that is ok with you. She’s very excited, and very good. I thought she’d be perfect over here.” Another pause from her. “I did send you her files through, right?” I didn’t know. Couldn’t think. I couldn’t fathom anything other than Chloe would be in my team day after day, working on the same ward, walking the same corridors and sitting at the same bedsides. “Are you ok, Dr Hall?” Wendy asked. “You look a little… unsteady.” I summoned my most steady smile. “Fine, Wendy. Thank you.” But I wasn’t fine. I backed away from there feeling like the ward was spinning around me, and my breaths were tight in my chest. Fluffy bullshit fate had no place for me, so why was I flying and twisting inside, my belly lurching and wheeling like a fucking fool.

Chloe Sutton. The girl from the train was a nurse. A trainee nurse. Chloe Sutton. A trainee nurse who was going to be on my ward. Chloe Sutton. A girl whose smile I’d be staring at every day, right through the day. The shift of those knees, and that flick of hair from her forehead… Chloe Sutton. I’d find out if she liked elephants. Chloe Sutton. I’d find out if she’d ever been to Pilsner. Chloe Sutton. I’d find out everything I wanted. Everything she was. And I didn’t know if I could do it. I didn’t know if I could keep it sane. I headed into Jim Harris, to talk about upping his medication, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I felt sick. Sick and dizzy, and fucked. I felt fucked. Truly fucked. Chloe Sutton.

I stamped it down – the shivers, and the excitement and the ridiculous fucking joy. Because what fucking joy was there to be had here? Because some random girl had a job on my ward? No joy. Because there never fucking was any – only a pitiful little sliver of life amongst the death.

Chloe Sutton. I wouldn’t react to her. Not a jot.

Nothing. It meant nothing.

My God, universe, what the hell are you doing to me? I was doomed.

I wished I could blurt out how I was feeling and what the hell was going on, and how insane it was that I was already in love with the guy I’d be working with in a few days’ time, even though I knew it didn’t make any damn sense. I couldn’t be though. I couldn’t be in love with him. This was a crush. A stupid crush. It couldn’t be more than that. So why did it feel like it meant so much?

“Can I help you?” he said, and his tone was as flat as they come. We stood. Staring. The girl on reception sat. Smiling. And I was a fool. A stupid fool that felt like the biggest fool for ever thinking of coming over here.

I pictured that as me in a few days’ time, holding hands and helping people find their peace, but the whole thing felt weird now. Everything about life felt weird.

I tried to pretend my attention wasn’t on him as he walked up the corridor. I tried to pretend I was the coolest chick in town, who’d barely even noticed he was the guy from the train I was crazy about, but it was a joke, and we both knew it. He flashed me the tiniest hint of a smile and held a hand up, and it looked strange with his paperwork in his hands and not his paperback. It looked strange with him under hospital lighting, so bright and cold. And then he stepped on past me, and it was easy to look at him then. So much easier to watch him walk away than meet his eyes. Which is when I realised I’d never seen him from behind before. No once, not ever.

She beckoned me along the corridor, in the direction of Dr Hall, and I was edgy every step as she told me about how great the ward is, and how much I’m going to love it, even though it can get really hard. I nodded. Dumb. I felt dumb. “Dr Hall is amazing,” she told me. “Seriously, he’s amazing. Quiet and… intense. But amazing.” I nodded. Dumb. “I’ll introduce you,” she told me, and with that she was already pushing into the office, and presenting the man who’d consumed my world, clearly not having a clue of the fact he’d been the one to point me to her just a few minutes previous. “This is Chloe Sutton,” she said to him. “She’s replacing me.” “Yes,” he said. “I know.” We stared. Awkward. I was awkward. He was… nothing.

“Do you know Dr Hall?” Gina asked, as we walked along. I shrugged. “I get the train with him, in the morning.” “Cool,” she said. “Looked like you knew each other, that’s all.” I shouldn’t have said another word, but I needed to. I needed to voice it and make it real. “We read books,” I told her. “Both of us, I mean. We show each other what we’re reading. On the train.” She smiled. “Nice. I’ve seen him with books sometimes. He doesn’t talk to me about it though.” She laughed. “He doesn’t talk to me about anything. Maybe he’ll be different with you.” Somehow I doubted it.

It was her face, so intense, and her questioning so sincere, and right then in that heartbeat I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure I could handle it, not being next to that man being so… cold… I dunno. I didn’t even mean cold. I didn’t even know what I meant. I shrugged. “I’m not sure,” I told her. “I’m just… I just want to be right for it…” “I understand that,” she said. “And it’s a hard one. I know it’s a hard one.”

I felt tingly and sick all the way home to Eddington. I felt dithery on my feet when I made Liam’s dinner for his lap on the sofa, and I couldn’t take it anymore. Not the excitement, and the fear, and the tingles. Not the insanity for a guy I didn’t know. But there was more than that. I couldn’t take the rest of it, either. I couldn’t take the flipside of the very same coin. The flatness, and the disappointment and the nothing. Because that’s what this was now, my life with Liam. It was nothing.

I told him so before I left, and he cursed and told me he loved me, and I was mental as fuck and should get some sense in my head. But he didn’t mean that. He’d be back to his game the second I was out the front door. That’s what the sense in my head was telling me loud and clear.